Divorced.. #2

[Mrs D]

This morning I found out that a mutual friend of ours brother commited suicide over the weekend. I did reach out to my H to let him know, in case he hadnt heard. Broke NC again.. He in fact had heard, and went into what happened up to the point of the act. Sad, the guy was only 27. The converation went to FB because he had asked how I had found out. Of course, I wasnt going to lie - so I told him that I reactivated FB to check my daughters page, and saw that our mutual friend had posted something about it all. Bringing up my daughter brought a whole new conversation about her going to school at her Dads house, etc. All in all, it was a very good conversation - lasted 5 minutes. I didnt press about anything. The conversation stuck to those two topics then it was done.

Maybe I need to be his friend again? Or continue with the NC make him miss me thing? I am working on me for me. But I still question if me doing NC is what I should be doing? Wont he get closer to her if Im not in the picture? That is the question of the day.

Thanks - and Happy Tuesday! I am going to make it a good one because I CAN!

[Carnac]

MrsD:
I personally don't think that NC and being his friend has to be either one or the other. I think you can do NC well, and still be his friend when there is contact. I think its more about a mindset maybe, in that you do NC for you, but if he chooses contact you need to be kind/polite etc, but also do less talking and more listening.

I think personally one of the biggest things friends do is listen to one another, not necessarily talk. I know my best friend has listened to me for hours over this whole ordeal and rarely has much to interject unless I ask, he's been content to let me talk my way through it, and thats what being a friend to your H would be right now. Im trying to do the same thing, still simply waiting on her to reach out and attempt to have a conversation, when she does I want her to see that its "safe" to talk to me, that I won't pounce, that I won't judge, that I will validate her feelings....this is what friends do when they talk. Think about what we have talked about before as far as pouncing goes.....if you call your best friend does she do that to you? Of course not, so pouncing has to go immediately if we are to be a "friend" to our spouse.

And im sure women are so much better than me at empathy and concern, but truly care about what is going on in their life. It was a huge downfall of mine, in that i would listen with the ear to figure out how to "fix", rather than simply with a friendly listening ear that allowed her to talk her own way through something.

[Mrs D]

Carnac:
Good points and you are truly correct. Thank you again for your insight.

Sunday when I was at his place, and the whole conversation turned to us - I did alot of validating - but he did alot more listening. He would ask me a question, and then I would either validate or answer honestly. I think Sundays conversation still went really well even though he said that he couldnt let himself try to trust me. I understand that, and that is just more walls that I need to break down. I think its possible over time, and with me healing and finding myself - there could still be a chance. And I read somewhere that it usually doenst look to turn - like if it took 3 years to ruin the marriage, it could take up to 3 months and longer? Or did I misread that?

Anyway. I do have a GF that is completely my soundboard. And its funny she was his when the tables were turned..

[Mrs D]

Starskey - if you are here, I was reading some of the articles I found on the PEA thing - its not me. I ended that and am totally ok with it. As for letting him go - I cant. I know we still have a connection that can be worked out. Please respond when you are through my thread. Thanks.

[Starsky309]

M:43/ H:39
T:12/ M:9
S8, D15
M affair(one night): 2/09
M EA: 2/12-7/12
D:6/7/12
H: GF since 7/24/12

MrsD, I'm trying to understand your timeline in your signature. Are you saying your divorce was final on June 7th of this year? If so, why are you still characterizing your ex-husband's relationship with this other woman as an "affair"? Or is this YOUR affair you are referring to, with your trainer (the EA)?

I'm a little confused, sorry. Wanted to stop by since you asked me to, and trying to catch up.


Starsky

[Mrs D]

Sorry - yes the marriage ended June 7th - hes been with her since the 24th. We had been together every day, or if we werent, wed be talking every day up till that point. I had a one night in '09, then the EA just this year. Thanks for stopping by.

[Starsky309]

Thanks. I guess I just find it odd that you seem to still classify it as an affair, when he's already divorced you.

My advice, sadly, would be for you to try to get whatever IC you need in order to help you move on. I know it hurts, but I think your husband tried to give you a chance and you continued your contact with your trainer, and this was obviouisly a dealbreaker for him. Just live your life, try to grow/learn/self-improve, and then who knows what the future might hold? Something like 20% of divorcing couples end up re-marrying, with most of them reporting that the marriage is stronger and healthier than ever before.

[Mrs D]

I wasnt really classifying it as an affair. I just added that one for me. Yeah - Im going through IC now. I obviously have issues within me I need to find and improve. I just really dont think its over for us. But who knows.

[labug]

I was wondering the same, about why she is the OW? It was a bit confusing.

You may not be friends but you can be friendly if and when he contacts you. You aren't his wife, he has a GF; painful as it is, he's being pretty clear on his position.

Work on you, you may still become the better option.

[Mrs D]

Labug and Starsky...
I added it because even though we were divorced, we were still together - or atleast I thought. I added it to the sig just for me. That was when my world pretty much came to an end because like I said - we were still very much together.

I know we are divorced. I know he has every right to do whatever it is that he wants. But I also know that he is still very much in love with me, and wanted our family together up to 5 weeks ago. I think, and yes, it is mind reading - that he walked away hoping I would see what it is I was doing to us? And everytime I am around him - I can see how much he wants us. I apply the "believe nothing he says, half of what he does" because I do know all of this above. I think hes on rebound with this person. Most rebound relationships dont work.

So, In the meantime - Ill work on me. Because I know I will be the better option. I am a determined person. I will make myself better. And with that, I will hopefully get my family back together the way we were intended to be..