Divorced.. #2

[sandi2]

MrsD, most people won't admit it when they are using their kids as an excuse to contact the X. Maybe you don't see it b/c you're too close to the problem, but to me, it looks like an excuse and I'll bet your H sees it that way, too. Even if he didn't......how were you expecting XH to react to you scolding him? One thing that's a very large turn-off is when a W acts like she's the H's mother. You won't win any brownie points that way. My heart really goes out to you b/c I saw my daughter go through the same as you are. You can't make him do anything, MrsD. That includes being a good parent. Leave it up to your H and your son to work out their R. If you use to fuss at H for not spending enough time with his son (before the divorce), then he will believe you've made no changes. Nobody wants to be around another person who is fussing at them.....and he sure won't have a desire for something "more" with you.

I realize it's painful, and you're being very honest, when you say it is so frustrating that the OW comes before your son. I doubt your H sees himself doing it. BTW, I'm not taking up for him when I tell you this, but the more you press him about your S and/or him telling OW this & that.....the deeper you're digging your own grave. Your son can tell you're angry, and kids have a way of feeling like they are the cause for their parent's split. Like most boys, he's probably crazy about his dad. But if he hears you laying down the law and telling his dad he needs to put his son first, yada--yada........he might began to question how genuine his dad is about sharing time with him. He probably wouldn't want his dad to do it just b/c mom would get mad otherwise.

You have a chance at a future with your XH, but you have to stop doing these type of things. If your son wants to call his dad, let him do it. You don't have to be in the middle. When his dad comes to visit.....do you excuse yourself and make scarce, or do you intrude (you might think it's more like taking an advantage of the opportunity)during his visitation and stick with him & son througout the time he's there? If that's what you've been doing, then don't hang around when he goes to visit the kids. Find out how long he plans to stay and tell him you'll be back by the time he leaves. Don't imply that you have a date (or tell him anything else) b/c you want to interesting....not obvious.

Oh, and you don't have to apologize for not doing better, or whatever. I don't remember anyone coming here that already knew just exactly what to do......and never messing up sometimes. We're here to help and support the best way we can. You will be able to see in the posts from other, what you can't see in your own. That how we help each other.

[Mrs D]

Thank you Sandi for taking time to reply to my post - I do appreciate it. I feel like I have to apologize all the time because when I start to think I may be doing better - I end up screwing things up...

After the demo tonight, I had asked my H if we could sit down together to talk to our son because he was having some difficulties yesterday afternoon. So, the conversation went well. We explained to him that we will always be there for him, and would love him even if we werent together. Our son seemed happier after the conversation. Maybe.. Then the converstaion turned to us. And how Im doing things to make myself better, and what I want to do to make us better, and could we please one more time try to make things work. His response was that he didnt trust me, didnt know if he could trust me, didnt think he wanted to give me the chance to trust me. How he is so frustrated that I want to make things work now, and why not before? He was almost to tears. The new girl makes him feel wanted again, and that he really likes that feeling again. SO, then I said - you would take 4 weeks of this over 12 years and a family? 9 years we were extremely happy - what if we can get back to that point again? 9 years of happiness!!! He just said no. And that hes sorry. But he gave me two of the biggest, tightest hugs as if he didnt want to let me go before I left.

I KNOW this conversaton should have never came about. Not yet. I kissed his neck and told him to just try to believe as he was hugging me.

I also know I need to back off on my issues I have with my son, and her. I just go into over protective mode with our son. I just see the hurt in his eyes, and pounce on the situation I guess. I had already made the commitment to myself that I wasnt going to let our son call unless he asked. And this is what happened this morning. Lesson learned. And the day really was a wasted one since all this talk went down that shouldnt have...

[Mrs D]

What does anyone make of a woman that seems to only date guys that are on rebound? Just curious ...

[labug]

I agree with pretty much everything Sandi said ^^^.

About the rebound thing, is that you or the OW? If it's you, figure out why you would do that and thing work to change.

If it's OW, not your problem and it's again you turning the focus off of you.

[labug]

25 says it all the time, about how much time she wasted worrying about what her h was doing and why he was doing it. It is a hard concept to grasp but really work on it. When you begin to worry about what he's doing or not doing, Ask yourself, Why do I need to know that? Would knowing the answer make my life better? How would knowing the answer change my life right now? Do I want to know because then I could help him fix it (whatever it is)?

This is a version of what I do when I get in those spots, I examine my motives very closely.

[Mrs D]

Thanks Labug - I agree what Sandi says as well - just need to start putting it all in motion. I dont feel like Im getting any better with anything. Or if I start to feel like I am, I start over-thinking and over-analyzing everything, and mess everything I started up. When does this get any easier?

I am focused on fixing me - but Im also focused on what is going on with him.

Rebound thing is the girl hes seeing. Every relationship she has been in the past three years have been with someone that is rebounding from a divorce. What does that say about her? I am focused alot on her because I would like the chance to show my H that I am working on me. That I can be trusted. But with her in the way - I dont know how he is ever going to see that. I know. My bad... Please slap my wrist.

[Mrs D]

Thank you again. Ill try to keep that all in mind. Who is 25?

[labug]

25yearsMLC

[Mrs D]

Thank you Labug - I started reading her story earlier but had to get some work done. I could honestly read all day on here to learn more, to find more strength. I just seem so fragile sometimes, you know?

I just wish I could find the needed patience. I pray every morning to God to help me find patience, to guide me down the right path in all of this. To bring my family back together one day. I know God listens. I know he doesnt bring anything to me I cant handle. I just feel like I need extra special help because I feel so fragile.


A friend of mine shares a quote with me a few months ago - I put it on a posty note and hung it on my cube at work.

"You have to find out who you are outside of how you wish you were and who someone else wants you to be". Basically be happy with yourself. I need to get there.

[Mrs D]

No contact all day with H. Our son went to my MILs for the day. When I was leaving the office, I called my MIL to see if our son was still there. He was so I told them Id be out to get him. Meantime my H called to say he was on his way to get him. Good deal. Went home and read some of the DR book, went for a walk with a GF. Came home and started reading again. H and our son came home shortly after. I had a check to give him from some computer work he had done for a friend of ours, so I went to give it to him. MIL bought a bunch if clothes for our son and school. That was nice. Wasnt much of a conversation but delivered myself as happy, positive, etc. After H left, I realized I didnt tell him the time for therapy had changed on Wednesday, so i shot him a text. He replied not a problem. I sent back ok have a good night. His reply u 2.

In the meantime I called MIL to thank her for the clothes. She said it wasnt a problem, etc. It took alot for me to call. She obviously has some issues with me. But she was cordial - so all good there.

Then H juat called to tell our son good night. All in all a good evening I think?