He came over way earlier than expected. We chatted about stuff and then I said how are you and he said good and I said how are you really and he said yeah, good. and I said are you happy and he said yes.
Then he asked how I was doing in that department. and I said what department and he said romantically and I said I've had a few dates nothing serious.
He said I saw that (the coworker I was dating in Dec/Jan) was at the olympics with you. And I said yes he's now seeing xx. And he goes oh really. And I said yeah I don't know. I mean I think people want there to be more drama but the truth is we both said we'd wait until our sitches were more stable and then I decided I wasn't over you. so I let that fizzle. And decided to take another look at us, which you didn't want to do
He asked me where I was with that, if it was okay. And I was so honest and I'm so proud of what I said. I said,
Do you know what...I am. I have accepted what's happened. It is what happened. It is life. So I've accepted yes. yes I mean. It's really if you're okay with it. I don't know if you'll have regrets in 10 years that you didn't take another look at us. I was so unhappy with myself and I look back and I don't like who I was then. I just couldn't even function and I thought it was best to leave. I am happy I did say I may have f*cked up and made the wrong choice. I said I don't think it's.... I don't think you can look me in the eye and say you're not attracted to me (no, I think you're gorgeous) or that we get along and have fun (of course I think you're great) and that we had a good thing (I'll always think that) And I had the courage to say hang on because of that I think we should give it another look. (at this point I thought I might cry) And it hurt and it was hard. But I'm so glad that i went through it. I could have just said no this is my decision and pushed it away and went out loads and met lots of guys and pushed all those feelings away but i didn't and i'm glad because I'm so much better. I'm 100% a different person than I was then and I don't think I would have if I hadn't admitted that. But your choices are your choices. I made the choice to want to look at our relationship again and you didn't so it's if you're okay with that.
He said i'm in this horrible position. Of course I think you're amazing, I loved all the time we spent together. I hate to use the phrase but for a little while before that we started growing apart. But I'm also really happy now.
I said I'm glad you're happy.
he said I don't want to hurt you and I'm worried about your feelings but in my mind we will divorce.
I said I know. I've accepted that.
He said that he was worried about how I would react given how I reacted in May when he told me he might be moving in with her. And he said I want you in my life I want us to be friends I never don't want us to be friends.
So I told him how I don't always feel like his friend.
And he went on and on about how he's felt cagey because of I acted in May. And he knew that I wanted him back and he didn't want to lead me on. and it was so bl**dy patronising. I was like look there's lots of things I don't like about you too.
And he said like what?
So I told him that he needs to learn to balance his own checkbook, and I told him about the whole going down the easy route, And then I mentioned something else and he got defensive and I said look I don't want to argue.
So then we started talking about how I have accepted the situation, that I wrestled with whether I was wanting us to look at our M out of loyalty or love and whether I'd be sh*t scared if he turned around and said I want to work on this. That I didn't know what it would be like.
He said it would be horrible and you know it would. We didn't work we did for awhile but we don't now.
And I said look it's fine. You decided you didn't want to travel down that road again. he said that's a great way to put it. And I said and I don't want to twist your arm. I can't force you. your choices are your choice. And as much as I think we could have made another go of it, it doesn't matter. I mean I don't want someone that I have to force to be with me. I don't have to do that. I said I worry that you always go the easy route and I don't know how much you actually like being in the R you're in or if it's just easy and then you can marry her and your visa's sorted.
And he nodded and said yeah....
So anyway he lets slip that they are getting married. That they've looked extensively into visas/divorce proceedures/etc. And I was really calm. We talked about it all. All in sort of rational logical terms. Then he said what's that look?
I said I don't know...it's just you met me in Feb 05, you met her in Feb 12, you moved out of your ex's and into your own place for a few months and then you moved in with me at the end of May and you've done the same thing this year. And he said did I? And I go yeah...then we got married that Dec...It's definitely a pattern. He said be my friend Brit not my mom.
I said I do want to be your friend and because I'm friend I want the best for you. We didn't work I don't want that to happen again for either of us. For myself I don't think the four months is long enough to know that I want to marry someone and he said look I make a lot of jokes about her being loaded. But she's good people. She's a lot more like me. And I said then what? me? And he said, yeah, look I don't want to hurt you.
I said so when were you going to tell me...and he said we needed to talk about this for awhile. It was most of the reason I was coming over tonight.
So we started talking about other stuff. And I was suprised how calm I was. Then he kinda offered going to pick up my mum from the airport. I said I wouldn't dream of asking and he said this is me offering. Then out of no where when I sat back down on the couch after using the loo he says you look really pretty.
When he left he gave me a big hug. I am at a loss for words. That's what happened but as far as what I feel? I'm glad I said what I said that it's not if I'm okay with it it's if he's okay because at this point I've stood for my marriage and he's said no....so that's on him now.
At some point I talked about how I don't know what our friendship is and he said that he's just felt like he couldn't be friends because of what happened in May and he's been so worried about my feelings. And I told him that wasn't a problem anymore. I've accepted it I'm cool.
We were talking about something else and I said yes you have been to that town. I did a 5K there and i got angry and he said and you started crying I'm so sorry I was so horrible then. I was thinking about all the stupid fights we used to have. And I said you used to be really quiet on purpose. And he said yeah..And then I said i'm sorry for all the times I yelled at you about driving. I know that you'd never try to get us hurt and I should have trusted you. He said I don't remember it that way. He said you hated me driving fast. and I used to drive like 25 mph and think this woman still got something to say!!! I said no you didn't and we were cracking up laughing.
He said at one point I will always look back fondly at what we had. And I said and I think we still could have had it. And he was quiet. And I said not that I'm saying I actively want that now.
There was another point when
When he left I fell into and old pattern and reached my hands up for a hug even though I was sitting down. He took his hat off and knelt down in front of me and gave me a really big really long hug. And kissed me on the cheek. There was a very long 2 seconds where I thought I could try and kiss him. I think he'd be receptive And then I thought...why...why on earth would I do that.
So here I am. It's most of my fears (?) thoughts (?) whatever confirmed. He's doing exactly what I worried about 6 months ago. Except i found myself feeling slightly sorry for him. There he is wearing horrible cheap shoes because he didn't want to pay �20 for the brand name shoes, needing a haircut, and I'm thinking if you're really happy I'm amazed. Or maybe I wasn't that special either I was just the one that he thought yeah okay she'll do. Because he'd apparently (I found out tonight) only had one date inbetween the ex he lived with on and off for 5 years and me. I don't know.
i'm sorry it went down like that. i can't help thinking that so much of what he said was script and fog and all that shite that we've had to deal with.
i'm so glad you didn't resist, didn't freak out, that you dropped the rope. let him have it - let him feel that yes this is going to happen and it's all in his lap now, and then he can really start to see what he's got and left with.
he's still holding on to that "it will be horrible if we try thing" and there's nothing you can do about it except go on with being the best brit you can be.
there aren't enough hugs i can put on this post that i want to give you right now.
i hope that you will go do a really long meditation, or a really long run - anything to keep you extra balanced right now..
i am so proud of you , the way you handled this whole thing. and it's done. but like you told me just because our worst fears are seeming to come true - doesn't mean that we should spin off on them.
they are just words right now. just let them go. i cna't help wondering that he came over to test and see if you would react the way you did in may.
i have to get back to work, but will check in in a little bit to see how you are
everyone = blanket hug and brit - just come sit with us and you can have 5 shots of your favorite whatever. i'm bringing a big bowl of strawberries and cream, and let's move that elephant over to the edge so we can all fit on the blanket - because we are all there right now, with you, sweet sweet friend
{{{{{{{{{brit}}}}}}}}}}} zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
okay so it's been 20 minutes since I've written that and I'm certainly starting to feel it.
positives: I'm proud of the way I acted. It was a world away from when I almost sat down in a feild bawling my eyes out making a scene in front of other dog walkers, kids with bikes etc. I acknowledged that I was proud of my actions, my decisions, and acknowledged his choices and told him I accepted it and was fine with what he'd choose because it is what it is. I told him I want him to be happy and I want the best for him. We discussed issues in our relationship. I stated (and remembered how mean he used to be to me sometimes. he is very charming and he can also be downright ugly) We reminisced about some happy times. He brought up a store and it was a time we'd gone to London on our own and went to a museum. And we talking about how much fun we had. Because we'd had drinks before going to a serious place and we just laughed the whole time. Then he said the only good thing was this and I said no there was also this. and he said yeah. And i wanted to watch this film and you got bored and lured me away with a chocolate brownie in the canteen. And in a very silly voice I said no, H remember your choices are your choices you choose the brownie over the film. I only offered you could have stayed. It was your choice. and he goes oh shut up you....laughing the whole time
negatives: I probably bought up the idea that i didn't agree with his choice way too much. I made him feel like I was lecturing him when I pointed out his pattern. And I shouldn't have stated that I felt like he takes the easy way, it could have made him feel emasculated.
The truth is I knew this was coming: the divorce, him marrying her, etc. I knew it deep down inside. Hearing it and facing it is hard. Would a D be easier if at the same time I was planning a M, sure. Would it be easier if I had someone holding my hand the whole way, researching it with me, helping me do it, sure. Do I want any of things for myself NO.
So how much is different now than before he came over and before he said this outloud? Not a whole lot. It's hard. F*ck Me it's hard. I want ciggs, I want wine, I want to stay home tomorrow and cry in bed all day. But I won't because that's not really how I feel. I don't want to be 35 and divorced with the possibility of not having any more kids looming over my head. I can't believe when I left I worried that he would become some depressed hermit. He's the one that's on the road to getting remarried. But again...that's not really how I feel. I'm happy that I have come so far that I can be happy on my own. That I can find happiness inside me. That i can be independant and not codependent.
I've been crying a bit. I don't want to. i want to be more detached than this. I want to be stronger than this.
now there's a silly sentence if i ever heard one.(((((( ))))))
of course you're crying, of course you're sad of course you want to be more detached.
but being any more detached means you don't give a crap and that's not true. so cry your heart out now tonight. if you give yourself permission to cry, you will let out a lot now, when it's really at the surface and can come out - and then you won't have a problem getting up and going to work in the morning.
don't resist the emotion - acknowledge it fully now, because everything else is repression and that's not what you want to carry with you.
and guess what? if you let yourself fully acknowledge it, and give yourself real real permission to cry, i've a slight feeling you may be surprised at how fast you go through it. i think it lingers longer when while we are feeling it we are saying to ourselves 'i shouldn't feel like this"
go meditate, and practice tonglen on yourself, h and ow. you can do it. and when you come out of that, you will feel so much compassion for all three of you, that serenity will be right with you and a lot of peace to carry you through the next few days.
i'm here brit and so are the rest of us, to help you through this ((((( ))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
We are with you. I am so sorry for what you heard tonight. I know we can't be together, but we can be on the blanket. Light up and pour the wine. I am sitting right next to you for as long as you need.
(((((Brit)))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Oh, Brit. I'm so sorry for the pain and fear you're feeling. I second the motion on the wine. Call in sick tomorrow and feel the sadness. Cry your heart out.
The next day will be better and who knows what's in store for you? I do know that you have good things coming!
((((((((()))))))))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
So I texted my best mate when he left and she was like I'll call you when I get home. She was fantastic. She just validated and said that I was right in just saying that's your choice.
Talking to her I felt so much better. Just saying I don't want to live my life like that...to rush into a relationship etc. We talked about a few things all mind reading I'm sure.
I told her how he talked for like 10 mins straight about how she'd and he'd been researching all the divorce stuff whether it would be thru this country or ours, the visa sitch, visa apps, timelines etc. And I said to him so I guess you're sorting all this? My friend said yeah just let him do it all. She wants to spend all her time making this happen. You just sit back.
But one thing stood out. I said yes I'm okay I don't want to see any bloody wedding pictures. And she said that's a LONG way off. You're not even divorced. So at least a year, and then well you don't know where they'll be, where you'll be.
And I thought yes....by the time all of this talk which is all it is is talk happens...well it might not even happen and if it does I could be in a much different place. I remember when the mere whiff of this would drive me into a panic an anxiety attack and now I sat there calmly and said well that's your choice. By then who knows what Gorgeous Zen Goddess will be inhabiting the person you know as Brit45!
