Stronger

[kat727]

That was supposed to be "break".

[mishka422]

It's not even either of those. All I really want is to know that he considers our R as an exclusive one and a promise to talk with me if he is feeling dissatisfied. Is that too much to ask?

Yes, he shows me in actions that he is in for a long haul but he nearly always did that. There were no real warnings when he jumped ship before. I don't trust what I see with my own eyes. Of course, I don't really trust words either. I'm just hoping that by putting it out there that I need some reassurance that he may be more forthcoming with his feelings in the future.

Frankly, I'm terrified of his reaction to me even asking this of him. My mouth goes dry and I start to shake while trying to come up with this conversation in my head. I can see his probable reaction and it's not good at all. He doesn't like to be questioned about his intentions, his plans, or his feelings. I'm supposed to just accept that he's here for now...period. That's what he's told me before. I just don't think I can keep living like that. It feels like the other shoe is going to drop at any time and I'll have no warning again. I won't survive that again.

[MaMaMo]

Your not going to like what I say but if you are so afraid to talk to him any thing deep, or about feelings your and his, can you really call what you have a relationship.

He's not alone in this, your there too, so why does he rule you with fear of losing him?

As long as he is there you should be happy? He doesn't want you to question anything just accept him that's he in for the long haul.

I'm glad that you want to sit down and talk to him, to get some clarity about your life.

[mishka422]

I know, it makes no sense to me either, it's just the way it always has been. My feelins don't matter to him if they don't exactly mesh with his. All that is important to him is that there is zero confrontation. He considers me talking about how I feel, even though I'm sure to tell him that my feelings are no reflection on him but are merely my own, as me finding fault with him.

Not good.

My fears are mine alone. I have had horrible experiences in talking to him in the past and that has caused me to clam up entirely. We talk about all sorts of other things, just not feelings.

[kat727]

Write it down and give it to him then. Don't give up. You deserve this and more.

kat

[SunFunOne]

Last night when I read this - I wanted to tell you to write it down. SO I totally agree with Kat. But this is LONG overdue.

This is how I lived for many many years - afraid to talk to ex. Afraid of the fighting. Afraid of the silent treatment. Afraid he might leave. Afraid of his temper.

I would NEVER live like then. And only when you're away from it do you realize how totally wrong it is for you. And for your son.

When you have lived without that for a while - you can never go back.

Ideally - you would have a mediator, a counsellor to talk with both of you. So you could both say what you need to say. Would he ever consider that?

If not - write it down. Let him know what you want. I don't like ultimatums but maybe you need to set goals in your own mind about how much you will accept and how soon you want these changes.

I think he needs to man up or move out. And when he does (or if by some miracle he agrees and does the work to man up) - you will be a new girl. And wonder why it took you so long.

Thinking of you. Wanting to hear that you've done it. Don't lose sight of your goal.

Barb

[MichelleLT]

All I really want is to know that he considers our R as an exclusive one and a promise to talk with me if he is feeling dissatisfied. Is that too much to ask?

Nope

Yes, he shows me in actions that he is in for a long haul but he nearly always did that. There were no real warnings when he jumped ship before. I don't trust what I see with my own eyes. Of course, I don't really trust words either. I'm just hoping that by putting it out there that I need some reassurance that he may be more forthcoming with his feelings in the future.

I don't quite believe this. Just because he's not a talker doesn't mean there weren't signs that he was just going through the motions. It sounds like he is much more THERE now.

Frankly, I'm terrified of his reaction to me even asking this of him. My mouth goes dry and I start to shake while trying to come up with this conversation in my head. I can see his probable reaction and it's not good at all.

First, work for the reaction you want, not the one you fear. Second, even if he does react badly, it's still important enough to say. Fear of confrontation is not just his issue, it's yours too.

He doesn't like to be questioned about his intentions, his plans, or his feelings. I'm supposed to just accept that he's here for now...period. That's what he's told me before.

He definitely is an actions kind of person, he's there therefore what is there to talk about. He definitely doesn't seem to get that you want some verbal reassurances, and that's definitely something you can ask for.

It feels like the other shoe is going to drop at any time and I'll have no warning again. I won't survive that again.

Is that your fear talking? Or has something actually changed? And of course you will survive. You already know you can do it.

[MichelleLT]

I know, it makes no sense to me either, it's just the way it always has been. My feelins don't matter to him if they don't exactly mesh with his. All that is important to him is that there is zero confrontation. He considers me talking about how I feel, even though I'm sure to tell him that my feelings are no reflection on him but are merely my own, as me finding fault with him.

If your feelings didn't matter to him, then he wouldn't get upset over the confrontations. He's a guy, of course he thinks it reflects on him, he wants to fix the problem you bring to him, but when he looks at this problem he needs to fix, he feels like he's the problem. He doesn't know how to do that because it's not a solid concrete problem, it's subjective feelings.

My fears are mine alone. I have had horrible experiences in talking to him in the past and that has caused me to clam up entirely. We talk about all sorts of other things, just not feelings.

The talks you have had since the reconciliation have been much better than in the past it seems? I also agree that trying another method like e-mail or a letter might help take some of the immediate pressure off him and might get a better reaction.

[mishka422]

Oh, I'm definitely not one for confrontation either. There are few times that I won't just put my opinion about something on the back burner to keep from escalating an argument about it. That goes for every aspect of my life, not just our R.

There is absolutely no reason for me to be so scared! It's not like I'm giving him any kind of ultimatum, I'm not asking for M. I just want an understanding. Simple? No. My heart still considers him my H and reconciling that to my head that says that a piece of paper is insignificant and no guarantee of anything has been really hard. I was raised to believe in the power of a M and this is so against the way I was brought up. Undoing all of that is really hard. I just think that if I can talk this trough with him I'll feel a little better about it. I need to be heard.

When we had an issue a long time ago I had convinced him to go to a C with me but then we lost our insurance before we could go and we couldn't afford it out of pocket. That was the one and only time I got him to consider it. When we separated he wouldn't consider it at all (of course he was up to his eyeballs in his A) and then once when he came back during that time we went to see the M couselors at church but he was sitting there with his arms folded and wouldn't participate. When he told them what he had said to me about staying unless he saw something wrong or until I brought up his A and then he would leave again they asked him if he heard himself basically dangling a carrot in front of me with his foot out the door...he told them to "f off" and left. It was super ugly. Not something I want to experience again.

I'm liking the email idea better and better. It seems so impersonal but then again I could at least get what I want to say out without backing up and giving up.

I'll post it here before I send it to him.

It still makes me very nervous.

[kat727]

You could just ask him to go steady.

kat