Wow Brit. I wish I could give you an answer. I will certainly be awaiting the responses to that from the more experienced DBers. However, I do agree that friendship needs to be with people on equal ground.
((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
give it 48 hours to brew in my mind and heart. search my motives. ask myself what i am hoping to accomplish and if i think that a talk will get me closer to my long and short term goals. search out any underlying thoughts and feelings about it of which i might not be aware or on the surface.. ask myself how to be the woman i want to be in the world in this talk.
i know that is not an answer, but a process.. and that would be my process.
(((( ))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Thanks ladies...I did dump/vent a bit here because I knew that I didn't want to say all that to him and I needed to work through it. It's tough on the one hand my girlfriends IRL (in real life) are like just email him he can't just come over whenever he wants. But I know that my long term goal of us having a friendship is that maybe this has to happen on his terms. I did tear his heart out and then flipped the script.
So.....no I'm not going to have that conversation. I am going to say I saw you had the MRI, I hadn't even heard they'd scheduled it...I know I've been really busy lately but we should make it a point to chat more. And just be warm and friendly.
This is of course all the same complaints I had when he was my H. His lack of vulnerability, his unavailability, his lack of communication about silly things if he was working late etc. And that's what's making me angry. this is who he is..in a relationship, in a marriage, in a friendship. Not the first year of course.
After we split and we were roommates if I was depending on him for something I stopped being nice and was like you would tell your mom if you were going to be late, or your boss, or your friends so where exactly do I rank here?? it's common courtesy.
Which was something I told him again and again I stopped getting common courtesy in the relationship years before I walked. And I don't get it now. I'm opening myself up to more of the same.
Would I stay friends with someone who treated me that way....no. Or I would at least think if that's the level of friendship they're offering then don't expect anything more. And yet as usual if I do want the friendship, just like if I wanted the marriage, I have to do the work, be the better person, put my feelings aside.
The woman I want to be would of course hang out with him, but none of this would bother her.
H texted me to say that he couldn't come over today. (okay, you're the one that suggested that)
He had a "scheduling upset" LMAO I have no idea what that means except you don't want to tell me what's going on in your life
he'll some by tomorrow at 8ish that's funny because he's let slip in convo that she is busy on Thursday nights. he's said he has the place to himself. So he's waiting until she's whereever she's going and then coming to my house. It's laughable.
If I were mind reading I'd say he mentioned to her that he was coming over here she got a bit psycho he said okay I won't. Then decided to come when she wouldn't be around.
I'm starting to feel like Vera...just sitting back watching him spin. I don't ever want to be in a relationship where I have to lie, or change my plans constantly.
Hi Brit, sorry you're in this state over him. FWIW, I see expectations on yor part and we all know what that leads to, especially with a WAS. He is living with her so he has to accommodate her and appease her, to some extent.
Can you really be friends with expectations? Doesn't it require acceptance of a person to really have a friendship? Maybe it's really too early for a real friendship?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
hi brit - just catching up - lots here to think about.
just wanted to say, that the best thing you could do is play it out - for yourself.
you've been triggered somehow here, and are reacting to it - and that's ok. but maybe you need to step back a little and see what is behind this for you?
is it really his "perceived control" in the dynamics bothering you or is it something else?
i think that if you could find out what the underlying thing is that is making you crazy about the way he is behaving, you will find a little peace in all of this.
accepting him the way he is right now - spinning - is very hard to do, and it's more of the same. you've moved on in your mind, but are frustrated that he hasn't??
also you are frustrated because he comes to see you when she's not around. why don't you just make plans to not be there - call him last minute and say sorry - going out to drinks, won't be home.
could you find a way to use your ACTIONS to give the message, rather than your words?
words are too weighted and emotional, when we are fired up, but actions - ooh they really get through big time. by slightly blowing him off, you would be saying without opening your mouth - i don't like it when you play with my schedule - i have more important things to do right now, let's see when and if i can fit you in
end of story no discussion.
if you have that kind of conversation with him - all it does is give him an opportunity to make it all screwy and nutty , because that's where he is in his head
so chill, step back and turn your mind to something else.
and seriously - about things like the mri - let it go - he can't come to you with that sort of stuff right now - it makes him too vulnerable in his own eyes. that sort of support came when he was with you, and to ask for that, even by simply telling you about it - could be there is shame on his part - i can't take that support from brit right now when i'm with someone else, sort of feeling.
so ((((((( ))))))))
and come sit by us on the blanket and have a shot - what's your vice today? vodka?
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Hello my lovelies! Thank you so much for checking in with me!!!
Something is definitely going on and it's not just that. I'm doing my damnest not to get sucked into some drama at work and it's making my eye twitch.
I was venting about the MRI thing but it did upset me slightly. He'd told me about it all the time, that it was in the works etc, and then he didn't tell me. Meanwhile throughout my medical drama in May he wanted constant updates. And when I didn't ring him once before putting it on FB he texted me and said "I understand if you don't want to discuss this with me, but I saw your post and wondered if there was an update. If you don't want to talk about it just ignore this text." I just don't like that the rules are different.
I guess what I'm upset with still is how he treated me in the relationship. And that it's still happening. He's not open, he's not giving, he doesn't share.
I didn't even want him to come over in the first place. He invited himself over....twice LOL So maybe I do change my plans. I'm just a bit grumpy I think I don't have a lot of patience with him lately!
Be grumpy - as much as you like - but don't act on grumpy. act as if...
As SS pointed out - you can't have expectations of even the friendship at this point. you know where he's at, so maybe you have to expect taht even the friendship won't be equal for now.
Maybe you can look at it this way - if you continue to show what you expect from a friendship, with time, it will reflect back from him.
don't forget he's ultra sensitive right now. that's why he's reacting like this - he's sensing you've 'taken off' and so he's coming to see where you're at. Either take the opportunity to let him confirm that, or take off yourself. Either way, it doesn't matter for where you are at now.
The old resentments are still popping up - they take a long long time to really go away - and all i'm saying is just be mindful about where you're at with them
love ya - and the grumpiness will pass - you do have reason to feel it, but you don't have to act on it (saying that again, just in case you didn't get it the first time )
((((( )))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
No I didn't act on it. I replied. No worries that works better for me anyway. I was hoping to go to Zumba tonight. He replied Cool, I'll see you then.
I think you're right that he senses that. The last time I went out of town for a few weeks. I rang him when I got home to tell him I was home. I remember saying "yeah, I'm home. Don't know why you'd need to know I got home okay. Just felt like I ought to tell someone."
What a difference a few months make. I got home and started unpacking, doing laundry, cleaning house etc without a thought of telling anyone I was there!
I think what's upsetting me is that I STILL have resentments and hurt. I don't want to. But I also feel like all I do repeatedly is accept what's on offer from him in terms of friendship without ever putting in my own boundaries. perhaps it's all control.
I went for a long walk in the late summer evening with my dog. It's my favourite time of day and I was struck again by how beautiful the light looks in the trees. I just enjoyed the water, the fields, the trees, I took a different road, I even window shopped a little bit. I need to re-centre. And it worked. I felt so good. Looking at the world so big you remember that your problems are pretty small.
I know with your strength you will get over this bump. One thing that struck me is that you still have resentments and hurt, and you don't want that. One thing I have learned from both you and zig is we can't rush that. It has to happen on its own time. We have to work through it in order to let it go. We can't rush it.
Thinking of you....
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
