Oh, one other thing...I've kinda been using this thread to journal. If you think we should keep it to specific work areas, then I can try to journal in my old thread. Whatever works best is fine with me.
I think that most people would tell you that it isn't good to have anger...
I would tell you otherwise. I think that anger is a normal emotion, and to refuse yourself of that, then it would be the same as refusing to allow yourself to be sad, or to be happy, or to love.
It comes from the way that we choose to deal with that anger that can change things. Your anger, is just. Other people may not view it as healthy, and may tell you to lose it. In reality, your anger right now, should be used as a shield. Against all of the crazy schidt that you will have to deal with. It should NEVER be used as a sword against her, or anyone else.
What are the things you do, to release that anger ???
I completely understand that you want to make her "feel" her decisions. I get that....
The only problem with that, is that YOU are not the one who gets to make that decision. Life will hand her all of the Lemons that she will need.
And if YOU ever feel as though you need to do something to help that along ? Yea, that plays right into the judgement thing that you are working through. The Superiority thing that you are working on. Nobody died and passed you the Moral Torch to carry....
I think that you are denying yourself the one thing that each of you needs the most right now....
TIME
And I think that no matter how much you push things, you aren't going to get to a place of healing until you can put the brakes on a little.
Inviting her over would be considered pursuing her right now. She made her choice to leave, yet you inviting her over, is enabling her , as you put it, "cake eating".
I think that you should recommend having a schedule written out for each of you. Post that schedule on a calender, somewhere that you can ALL see it, so that there are zero questions on what day is what.
Bottom line is, that yes, she made this choice for herself. Moving forward for your life is what you should be focusing on.
Emotions are REALLY HIGH on both ends of this right now, and you are making emotional decisions, based on your hurt, instead of rational decisions based on reality.
What I would recommend, is ...
-write out a schedule -take steps toward defining your role as a single Father -re-commit to your goals for yourself -re-commit to the work that you have been doing for yourself -Her time with the kids, should be happening at her new place. Not involving you leaving your home.
That is the reality for her.
And in no way, are you doing this to "hurt" her. You are simply living what has become your reality....
I have often referred to detachment as...
Doing the right things, regardless the reaction, not to induce a reaction....
In your decisions that involve the children, the FIRST thing you should be asking now is...
"Is this decision, what is best for the kids"
If the answer is no, then you should be stepping back and re-thinking things..
If the answer is yes, then you have your answer...
Oh, one other thing...I've kinda been using this thread to journal. If you think we should keep it to specific work areas, then I can try to journal in my old thread. Whatever works best is fine with me.
I would like to see you have an active thread for yourself.
My ego isn't that big, as to think I am the only one with VALUABLE input on how you should proceed....
And I don't want anyone to feel as though their opinion doesn't matter...
Plus it will help you form connections with your fellow posters....
We can use this thread for whatever you feel like, and if you want this for your focus, then that is what we will do...
For the anger, if it's intolerable, or if I can't get it out of my head, I try to work out. Otherwise, I try to understand where it's coming from, tell myself it's ok, and focus on what I want next. She left Friday night in a drunken tirade, and I still managed to put it aside, have dinner and play uno with the kids. Yeah, I was upset, but I didn't let the anger control me. I did what I wanted to do. I was really proud of myself, and honestly, had a blast with the kiddos. Sunday though, the anger worked a little more stealthy...I didn't realize I was letting it control me until after the fact. I didn't even realize I was mad until after the fact. I need to work on that more.
I have been thinking about the schedule since Sat and had kinda decided over the last few days that I'd just let it go for this week. She'll see the schedule as my need for control and I want to just roll with the flow for a week and see where she ends up. Weds I play golf (though I've been missing it due to heat) and she told me yesterday she'd take care of dinner that night, as well as take the kids for school supplies. A little later she said something that indicated she meant she would come over and stay here while I was out. It made me uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything. Again, I thought we'd ride this week out, let emotions settle a bit, and then maybe have a sit down on schedules/boundaries over the weekend.
You know, the weirdest thing for me in all of this is that we have had the most honest, deep, patient, understanding, and productive discussions in the last year...more and more all the time. It's like we've figured out how to talk about stuff and share our feelings. But that resentment she has for the past, there's just no getting it past it for her. After church, she told me how she thought of me after the message...how me she's been hurting me for the last year and I just continued to love her. She sees it....she just refuses to do anything about it.
I agree that TIME is what we need. I am going to spend some time today thinking about a new hobby, or digging back into an old one.
For the anger, if it's intolerable, or if I can't get it out of my head, I try to work out. Otherwise, I try to understand where it's coming from, tell myself it's ok, and focus on what I want next. She left Friday night in a drunken tirade, and I still managed to put it aside, have dinner and play uno with the kids. Yeah, I was upset, but I didn't let the anger control me. I did what I wanted to do. I was really proud of myself, and honestly, had a blast with the kiddos. Sunday though, the anger worked a little more stealthy...I didn't realize I was letting it control me until after the fact. I didn't even realize I was mad until after the fact. I need to work on that more.
It's about more than that...
Look closely, and ask yourself ....why do I let another human, have control over MY emotions ???
Spoiler alert !!!!
Click to reveal..
It plays into judgment, and superiority...and ultimately ? Control
Originally Posted By: BD
I have been thinking about the schedule since Sat and had kinda decided over the last few days that I'd just let it go for this week. She'll see the schedule as my need for control and I want to just roll with the flow for a week and see where she ends up. Weds I play golf (though I've been missing it due to heat) and she told me yesterday she'd take care of dinner that night, as well as take the kids for school supplies. A little later she said something that indicated she meant she would come over and stay here while I was out. It made me uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything. Again, I thought we'd ride this week out, let emotions settle a bit, and then maybe have a sit down on schedules/boundaries over the weekend.
The schedule is something that you work on TOGETHER...not just you...
Where you BOTH sit down, and actively look at what needs done, and who is available to do things. It is when you try to work together, towards a common goal....the betterment of your children.
It doesn't have to permanent, nor does anything have to be a legally binding contract....
It is about communication for Parenting....
Originally Posted By: BD
You know, the weirdest thing for me in all of this is that we have had the most honest, deep, patient, understanding, and productive discussions in the last year...more and more all the time. It's like we've figured out how to talk about stuff and share our feelings. But that resentment she has for the past, there's just no getting it past it for her. After church, she told me how she thought of me after the message...how me she's been hurting me for the last year and I just continued to love her. She sees it....she just refuses to do anything about it.
I agree that TIME is what we need. I am going to spend some time today thinking about a new hobby, or digging back into an old one.
Tell me the ways in which I want to smack you right now : )
Seriously though....
How do you know what she is capable of ???
Thinking that you do, will serve you very little in the future...
Look closely, and ask yourself ....why do I let another human, have control over MY emotions ???
That is exactly how I have been thinking lately. I say this to myself all the time and even apply it to actions. My other mantra is "I can only control me."
Originally Posted By: Mach1
The schedule is something that you work on TOGETHER...not just you...
Agreed. I was thinking I'd give her a week to "settle in" and then we could sit down and discuss it together over the weekend...or even a week after that. She's pretty emotional right now and I know she needs the breather (hell, me too!). When the talk does happen, I plan to let her lead it.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
How do you know what she is capable of ???
Poor choice of words. What I really should have said is "I can't MAKE HER get past it, and she's certainly not going to do it MY WAY."
She did tell me she was trying to work thru things her own way, but trying to hide from me while doing so. I don't know how she'll work thru it, but I think seeing me everyday just made it harder for her. So space and time is probably just what the doctor ordered. I just need to respect the doctor's orders so that the wounds can heal.
Interesting day so far...W shows up to take S17 to orientation. Friendly banter, then she looks at me and says "I'm have a hard time" and then hugs me. I'm like, yeah, me too. The hug was awesome. I told her she looked great.
She wanted to go look at a car after orientation so we went and kept it friendly. When we get back to the house she ask if I'm going to be gone Wed night so she can see kids. We talk a little and she says, if you're not uncomfortable, you are welcome to join us for dinner. OK, great.
Then she asks me if she's going to be able to stay at the house next week. Wow, I guess she forgot she told me she would pick them up for next week. I think my BIL must have nixed the entire family deal. I said "I'm not planning on leaving the house" and she said "so I have to see them when you say until I get a divorce decree?" Sheesh, wth just happened. I said, "No, you can take them...your visits don't have to be here." There's some silence and then I say "I think there are clearly a number of things we need to discuss going forward" and she agrees to set up some time with me to discuss later this week.
I was trying to keep it upbeat and friendly, but she took my head for a spin there at the end. I don't think the discussion is going to go well, and she's going to be p!ssed when I tell her I'm not going to agree to swap weeks. Any advice on how to do this gently??
Then she asks me if she's going to be able to stay at the house next week. Wow, I guess she forgot she told me she would pick them up for next week. I think my BIL must have nixed the entire family deal. I said "I'm not planning on leaving the house" and she said "so I have to see them when you say until I get a divorce decree?" Sheesh, wth just happened. I said, "No, you can take them...your visits don't have to be here." There's some silence and then I say "I think there are clearly a number of things we need to discuss going forward" and she agrees to set up some time with me to discuss later this week.
Sigh...
Once again, words buddy....
No, you can take them...your visits don't have to be here.
Anytime that you use the words "I" , or "You" in a sentence, there is a chance of it getting taken the wrong way. There is a potential for guilt being passed on, and there is a chance that it gets mis-interpreted as controlling, and/or blaming. Use those words GENTLY...
I would like for your mind to slowly drift toward something like....
I have been thinking about the negative impact that spending time here, will have on the children. While I would like the best for them, the mixed message of having time with you here, would most likely not be in their best interest. We need to move forward with our lives , and if that encapsulates you not being here, then I think it would be best to start that now.
In no way, an I attempting to keep the children from you. I will support them being with you in every way. What I am saying is, that I feel, that we have to keep this simple for them, and do our very best to not confuse them. They are going to have a rough enough time adjusting. And if they see us in disarray, then they will be in disarray.
I am open and willing to listen to all of your suggestions on this.
Originally Posted By: BD
I was trying to keep it upbeat and friendly, but she took my head for a spin there at the end. I don't think the discussion is going to go well, and she's going to be p!ssed when I tell her I'm not going to agree to swap weeks. Any advice on how to do this gently??
I txt W yesterday about some scheduled massages we have Friday and asked her if she wanted to go or have me cancel hers (I am defintely going). We had some flirting back and forth and she said she wanted to go. Today, she took the kids shopping for most of the day and ran some errands for us, then made dinner for the family. She had planned to stay thru dinner, but had a meeting come up so said she'd just get it ready and then go. I was really happy to see her and smiled the whole time...didn't take much for me to be upbeat in this case. I actually feel like a teenager again when I'm around her.
Anyway, W asks me if I want to do lunch before massages or drinks afterwards. I said sure, sounds great. She also says that she will be staying in the guest room Thur because she can't stay at her friend's or her B's. Then tells me how she's been sleeping on couches, air mattresses, etc and how much her back hurts. She just looked exhausted, and I really felt for her.
As she got in the car to leave, I asked her if she was ok and she said "no, not really." I asked, "do you want a hug?" And she said yes and she held on to me a long time. She went on to say she didn't like this, didn't like being away from the kids, or her home, and didn't like not getting along. I told her I didn't like her not being home either. I then told her we were playing uno as a family later and she was welcome to come back after her meeting. She looked thankful for the invitation, and said she'd let me know, but she looked so tired, I seriously doubt I'll see her. I know that was a little pursuing, but she was already planning on spending the evening with the kids...I just wanted her to know it was ok to take her meeting and then still do that. And I really didn't want the conversation to slip into something serious.
I felt really good....no pressure from me (or very little), no control, no anger or frustration. I even sidestepped the potential serious discussions here. I tried to keep it upbeat and tell her I was happy to have a "date" on Friday and enjoyed our conversation yesterday. Have to be careful with this stuff, as I know her LL is words of affirmation, but I also don't want it to seem like pressure.
Trying not to mind read, but my biggest concern is that she's going to want to move back in without any commitment to working on the relationship or even working on her own issues. The last year has really been hard for me....I'm not sure I can go back to that. I definitely can't take more of the EA or the destructive behavior. I guess I'll just keep an open mind, and try to focus on the moment and having fun. I actually might push any serious discussions to the weekend if in fact she decides to take the discussion in that direction.
