Roller coaster ride continues. Good conversation this evening, some explanations on both sides, better understanding of why the move out occurred. Honestly, had she not been drinking, I don't think she would have left now that I've talked to her about it. But since she's out, she figures she might as well go with it and see if she feels any different. I think that's fine as she's doing more damage being here than not.
She wanted to agree to no sex with anyone else for the short term....she doesn't want to see anyone, just wants to work on herself and try to figure things out. She doesn't want to have sex with me because of the emotional bond and doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else for the same reason. I told her I wasn't interested in seeing anyone else right now, but she said she didn't know how long it would take her to work thru her issues.
She also said she can't stay away from the kids. She wants to come over every morning and make them breakfast before school. She got upset and started crying so I just said we'll talk about it. I really don't like that idea. It sounds like she wants all the comfort of the family, with all the freedom of being single.
Also got a death threat from OM for talking to his wife...that was awesome. Had to have the police come out and write it up.
Now, what to work on. I feel like the issues I've been working are still valid, but there's a whole new dimension now that I'm not sure how to handle. How nice should I be? How giving should I be? Where do I draw boundaries with the kids? How do I create interest yet protect myself? Need to work on these items over the next few days.
She wanted to agree to no sex with anyone else for the short term....she doesn't want to see anyone, just wants to work on herself and try to figure things out. She doesn't want to have sex with me because of the emotional bond and doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else for the same reason. I told her I wasn't interested in seeing anyone else right now, but she said she didn't know how long it would take her to work thru her issues.
I wonder if this is something like where my W is partially at right now...we haven't had this discussion, but the actions seem to sorta match...it is an improvement from last fall/winter though, when the internet had one wild cougar running wild... lol.
This also may mean that she has second thoughts, but is afraid of making the wrong choice (either one, stay or go). Don't promise her anything, you have said it perfectly (not interested in anyone else)...leave it there, she needs some uncertainty that she may lose you...imo...
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She also said she can't stay away from the kids. She wants to come over every morning and make them breakfast before school. She got upset and started crying so I just said we'll talk about it. I really don't like that idea. It sounds like she wants all the comfort of the family, with all the freedom of being single.
BD...this is almost verbatim of one of the schemes my W tried selling me last fall and winter...funny how the words and schemes are so similar across so many very different people and sitches...can you say "script"?
I told W that that was not acceptable to me (total cake-eating), and confusing for the kids, and of course her SAHM status would have to change, as I cannot afford a second housing expense...so it never happened (yet, always the "yet" possibility...*sigh*).
Hang in there and keep your mind open...my sitch turned positive in a rather fast way out of the blue (I think her last OM scared her, stalky predator type, but I don't know, just a gut feeling). Maybe this last drama with OM/OMW/you and her was a reality 2X4 for her...ya never know...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks T^2. I'll read up on your sitch, as I can always use the help.
W has been texting me the "why are you trying to hurt OM's family" crap here lately. From my view, I didn't do anything other than bring his W up to speed....the behavior has been all his (and my W). That said, I did agree not to contact her again (suggested by the police I spoke to today, so really wasn't much of a give on my part). But I left her with one thought....if OM is really just a friend, and OM's family is so important, and OM's W thinks you're having an affair, continual contact is only going to continue their downward spiral. Read up on it.
At this point, she basically told me that working relationship is nearly gone and she has begun cutting contact. I got that sense that she didn't tell me this before because she thought I'd gloat or something. She explained the "I love you" comment, and even admitted it was wrong. Some acceptance of responsibility on her part...huge step forward. She also explained the "meeting" Friday, told her side, and again, admitted she let it go too far and should have excused herself.
We talked a lot about the last two weeks (after Mach1 gave me a 2x4 on controlling behavior) and she admitted, it wasn't hard, and felt very good for both of us. She is still extremely scared to try, expects behavior from years ago to continue, and has a lot of resentment, but I can see some glimmer of hope.
"I'm not trying to be an ass, but this is what she's asking for."
You are being an @$$. This is YOUR SON"s birthday. Not yours. He deserves to have both his parents act civil enough for him. Are you going to be that way when he gets married? If it was any regular time it would be fine, but this is HIS day.
It was YOUR choice to give him good memories of the day where both his parents were there. Don't let your hurt feelings affect his happiness. Be the bigger person.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"I'm not trying to be an ass, but this is what she's asking for."
You are being an @$$. This is YOUR SON"s birthday. Not yours. He deserves to have both his parents act civil enough for him. Are you going to be that way when he gets married? If it was any regular time it would be fine, but this is HIS day.
It was YOUR choice to give him good memories of the day where both his parents were there. Don't let your hurt feelings affect his happiness. Be the bigger person.
Two sides of this coin MrB. Is she trying to make things easier for my son or for herself? If she was trying to make it easy on him, I think she would have stayed....or at least stayed til after his bday. If I let her have it exactly as she wants, am I making it easy on my son or letting her cake eat? I think you could go either way here, but I chose to make her live with her decision.
And you say say my son deserves "x." The way you say it, "x" is whatever my wife says. I believe she's been cake eating in this relationship for 6-18 months...I'm not willing to let her continue it outside of the house. Should I let her stay in the house and sleep with OM just because it's better for the kids? I think not.
With that said, I did invite her in to open presents and blow out candles, and we did talk for a long time after....so I wasn't really an @ss...it just wasn't exactly how she wanted it.
I get it that you're trying to establish boundaries. But using your son as a pawn (and it's obvious that's what you're doing) isn't the way to do it.
She's not cake eating in that respect. She wanted to see her/your son. There will be times when it will be her time with your son and you will want to be with him also. You've got to learn to compromise.
"And you say say my son deserves "x." The way you say it, "x" is whatever my wife says."
Uh no that's not what I said. 'x' does not mean "whatever your wife says", you're interpreting it based off of your personal hurt feelings. This is in regards to this specific event.
Let's face it, it's obvious from your posts that you're still p.o.'d at your W. I get it. But when it comes to your son, be the bigger and better man.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Let's face it, it's obvious from your posts that you're still p.o.'d at your W. I get it. But when it comes to your son, be the bigger and better man.
Point taken, and yes, hurt, angry and frustrated would be accurate. I let my emotions get the better of me yesterday in a couple of ways, but I don't agree I used my S as a pawn. Could I have made a better choice, yeah, sure.
I will think on it some though, because as much as I want to argue the point, I think I owe it to myself to do some soul searching on it and be completely honest with myself. Boundaries with the kids are going to be a huge issue with us and this whole deal is an emotional roller coaster, for both of us, so better to think thru it all now before more decisions are made.
She's not cake eating in that respect. She wanted to see her/your son. There will be times when it will be her time with your son and you will want to be with him also. You've got to learn to compromise.
Maybe I didn't post the complete deal here, but what I ended up agreeing to was we went to church as a family...she got S from after church up til 530pm. I softened at 530pm and asked her if she wanted to stay for presents and cake. She'd already done this once with him, but she stayed. So while she wanted us all to be together, she didn't get that, but I do think I was more than fair.
With that said, you are right...I was angry and hurt and I wanted to have her feel the results of her decision as quickly as possible, which meant we split the day rather than shared it. I honestly didn't think I could be around her that day, but I could have bowed out of the activities a little more graciously. Distinct boundaries could have waited one more day.
I feel like I have been carrying the load for the family for a long time now, and sometimes I just want to put it down. Some days I am just so worn out, it's difficult to do all the "right" things. No excuses, I did not behave how I want to be. I'm really getting good at being who I want when things are calm....the high stress moments are still a work in progress.
I'm going to try to get myself in a mental state of "we're just friends taking care of kids together" and see how I feel about that. I want to be upbeat, compromising, understanding, but not a doormat.
Point taken, and yes, hurt, angry and frustrated would be accurate. I let my emotions get the better of me yesterday in a couple of ways, but I don't agree I used my S as a pawn. Could I have made a better choice, yeah, sure.
Fill me in a little.....
Was the party pre-planned before all of the other stuff happened ?
Maybe I am assuming, and maybe I missed it, but according to .007's reply to you, I think it was....
IF...it was....
Then yes, you used your son as a pawn...
You knew the thing that would hurt your wife the most, and you used it against her...
So fill me in on the Cliff Notes of where you are now....
How did your actions over the past few days relate to your goals ?
How could you have done better ??
Did you show the world what you wanted to show it ???
BD...I'm not too much on the daily living advice as much as I am a philisophical person...
What you do daily...YOU have to live with, so I will leave you to make those choices.
Yeah, Mach, I'm good with that. The roller coaster I ride day to day is going to be just that....I just need to be reminded occasionally to steer it in the direction I want to go.
As for the bday, all I really knew was what S wanted for bday dinner. W moved out Fri, then Sat text me if I wanted to go bowling with them all...this was a new plan, or at least new news to me. She also assumed we'd be doing the dinner together without really discussing it. Tempers were still high, and I honestly didn't want to be around her, and as I said, I wanted her to feel the impact of what she had decided so I let her know that we would be splitting the day, not sharing it as a family.
So, to sum up the last 3 days since she left, I'd say we've had some really good discussions, with depth on both sides. Also has been some fun, flirtiness here and there, which has been good. She took some baby steps in admitting some things she's done wrong and said how good the last two weeks had been. She also indicated if she hadn't been drinking, she wouldn't have left. On the bad side, I let her push my buttons Sunday morning before church and I let my anger control my actions on a couple of things. I think I recovered ok, but my goal would be to hit it out on the first pitch, not the 2nd or 3rd at bat.
Biggest problem right now is dealing with the hurt with something besides anger, and having the patience to give her the time she needs without pressure. I'm probably pretty good on the 2nd one, though I have to keep talking myself out of texting her. I want to have some boundaries so she doesn't cake eat, but I also want the to keep the road home smooth.
So, let's use an example to see where my head should be. She text me this morning and said, "If you are going to be away from the house today, please let me know. I would love to come by and see the kids while you're out." I said "I'm not planning on going anywhere, but you can see the kids whenever you want, just let me know. If you want me to be gone, I will find something to do." She found out from the kids that I went out for a few hours with my B yesterday and was upset she didn't get an opportunity to use that time with them. I don't think she has a problem being around me, but she may think I have a problem being around her and is trying to avoid making me upset. I know that's a bit of mind reading, but trying to shed a little light on it.
I am making a new recipe for dinner and I thought I could invite her to stay and visit the kids for a while then. I feel confident I can do so without pressure and without R talk. And I don't really want to get in the habit of leaving the house so she can visit. As I said above, I'm trying to get my head in a "we're friends" kinda state and roll with that. Thoughts?
