from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

Journaling

Phew! Glad I let go of the crazy phone call issue. Why was I so hurt? Anyhow, after a crazy shift and mental distractions, I feel better about everything.

H could have been having a bad day or could still have some anger issues going on. Either way, the way that he chooses to handle his emotions are HIS choice. They have nothing to do with me, though I may be in the way when he feels like spewing. It's ok, I'm coated in anit-spew. It just won't stick or affect me

Not saying that he is child like, but one thing I keep in mind in dealing with my 2 and 3 yr old is that you can't teach manners with rudeness. No reason for me to ever be rude to him, regardless of the way he treats me. I don't have to interact with him when he is in crazy mode, and I don't need to feel guilty about politly drawing the line when it comes to the way I deserve to be treated.

Why did I make such a big deal about all of that again? I'm more interested in thinking about having chocolate creme pie for breakfast. isn't it so cool being an adult?

[~ kd ~]

There is no way to know why he spewed at you. Just to state the obvious, he must have felt threatened somehow and lashed out at you.

Money is what he pointed to, but there's something else he's put significant meaning to (more important than money) that he just didn't share. For example (and I have no idea of course) he could feel like he's not a good provider (which translates to not being a good man, in many men's minds) because he can not afford to take the kids with him.

The reason I say the above is, he has his reasons and those reasons were important to him, even if his choice of how he expressed his fears was inappropriate.

You can choose to approach this directly, or indirectly, or ignore it.

If you choose to ignore it, then understand that means dropping it. IOW, the pattern most people would go into here is resistance and then resentment. ie. His money problem is HIS money problem and he had better man up and figure that out. I'll make sure to get him back for this.

Or...

You can choose to approach this directly. Ask him. Let him know that you understand money is tight for him as it is tight for you, as well. Or better, we say around her to just tell the spewing spouse, "I understand how you could feel that way. I am open to looking at other options to help work this out. Do you have any suggestions or thoughts?"

Or...

You can choose to approach this indirectly. Truth is, money is the reason on the table, and it is a valid problem, yet it is not THE problem. He's avoiding the problem by "running away" which is showing up as attacking you.

If you know he's otherwise comfortable talking with you, have a conversation with him. Use this as an opportunity to know what is going on with his life. You'd be looking to talk with him in order to find out what might be stressing him out (other than your R). Is he stressed because travel stresses him out? Is there problems at work? Does he have major problems with his car and he's going to have to spend a lot of money, there? Did he buy some toy that cost him "too much money" and now he's regretting it?

Once you begin to understand what's going on in his life (again, other than your R), you may start to see what's really bothering him and then you can look at how you can support him, without enabling him. IOW, allowing him to solve his own problems and supporting him in that.

Just some thoughts. Think about it for a bit and see which of the possibilities above are something you might consider based on what you want in your life and follow that path.

[strongerthanever]

Great perspective!

H showed up at my work, though he didn't have the paperwork he came to drop off.

I was upbeat and pleasant. He asked if I was ok with still doing it if he agreed to the $250, to which I replied of course, I am here to help you whenever I can.

He opened up about why he is going, it is to baptize his nephew. He told me about the classes he would have to take, and that he was considering getting baptized himself. I told him that sounded exciting and that I was happy for him.

After he left I sent him a text. I thanked him for taking the time to calm down and then discussing the situation. I also told him that it said a lot about him that he was willing to see a different point of view and offer solutions. That's a first for him.

I'm ignoring the bad and praising the good. Goin elementary here folks

[strongerthanever]

KD

I think I know what the problem might be.

The army pays him to provide a home/food for his family. Even though we areliving apart he is still required to allocate my share to me. For a while he wasn't and as a result I ended up being evicted from my home.

When this happened he laughed at me and mocked me. His only reply was for me to let him know when to pick up his girls so they wouldn't be homeless too. He had his own apartment and was partying it up.

I grew a back bone and went to his command. They made him set up an allotment to my bank account. As a result he had to terminate his lease and move in with a friend. He's been living there 3 months now.

On top of that, he is getting out of the army in November. He doesn't have a job or anything beyond November figured out. So technically he will be jobless and unable to provide his own home for our girls.

That's a lot to weigh on someones mind. Pretty sure that's it.

Believing to know his problem doesn't help to solve it though. It is his choice to continue living this way and I don't want to enable him. I have no anger towards the way he treated me during my eviction. He was so deep in his A and I understand it fogged his thinking back then.

I am glad that he hasn't come back just for the security, I can give him that much. Another issue for him could be the obstacles I have overcome and that I have continued to succeed, where he has been stagnant and dependent on others. Maybe he feels guilty about coming to me to help him after everything he has done? Just speculating.

A positive is that he DID come to me, and not ow (pretty sure she is gone though) or anyone else to watch our girls. I'm thinking that has to say something.

Regardless, I get 3 Weeks in a row with my girls next month, super score!

[AJM]

So the learning continues... There is always more than one perspective and you're learning that faster than most. Good for you.

And additional time with the girls? Score!

Remember to have no expectations. Rather, stay detached and watch what unfolds. You may be surprised that your speculations were wrong more often than not. That's where real understanding begins.

Great job!

AJ

[~ kd ~]

Great job reflecting and understanding that it is all speculation. Also, there is a possibility that, to top it all off, he's still in resentment because of your original walking away on him.

Own your parts and your parts only and fix them, even if you never plan to get back with this guy. Sometimes we might think we've fixed them, simply by acknowledging them. Without practice, we don't know they are fixed or just stuffed. Your H is still a possible opportunity to see if you've fixed those things, again, even if neither of you want back.

You do sound great and I definitely see growth in you. Keep those positive changes going! Make them habits!

You point out some very interesting things that have come up for him and will come in the future. Note those. He will possibly react to them as they come closer and you could possibly be a target for either spew or false connection (if he looks to you for security).

Support him without enabling him. I think based on your posts regarding his positives and your own, the future looks good, no matter the outcome.

[strongerthanever]

You guys are great, I really appreciate the time you spend walking with me through this. Thank you for your support and encouragement.

[strongerthanever]

H is on 24 hour duty in the same building that I'm in. My shift started at 11pm, and around 12:30am he showed up. He looks worn down. Not like I've been up all night tired, but more like his soul looks tired. His eyes have lost their spark, his passion seems gone. I don’t think I’m speculating here, he’s just gone.

He opened up about work, about how xow (his supervisor) is being so mean and hard towards him. My intuition told me the R was over, but I didn’t focus on that aspect, just focused on listening to him. He dreads going to work every day. That [censored].
His leadership made him type a memo for me to sign in regards to his vacation. Basically worded that “because we are in the process of getting a divorce, I cannot take my girls out of the state…wife will be watching them during my week…”. Makes me wonder if his command is acting in ways that continuously reminds of that “oh yeah, we are getting a divorce so I should be talking/acting this way” OR if xow is acting that way towards him + being mean, for whatever reason. Kind of reminding him that she is the supervisor, he is the subordinate AND he lost his family/wife. No one knows for sure, just speculating again.

He has been under a bad spotlight with his leadership for the better part of 6 months. I hate that for him. Back when we were dating we were in the army together and I’ve seen his work ethic. He is such a hard worker. I hate it that his current leadership doesn’t see what a valuable asset he is.

XOW’s most appealing factor was her willingness to slide into my role and support/love right away when I was in WAW mode. I believe this bc that is what he bragged about, which makes me believe he was so happy to finally feel as if that need of his was being met. She went away to an army leadership development course and “everything about her changed when she came back”. Meaning that she was no longer buddy buddy with everyone (um, that IS how it should be…). I first noticed her absence about 2 weeks before she left for that school. IE the girl’s hair no longer smelled like her products, they weren’t talking about her or accidently calling me her name, they weren’t sporting her hair do’s, that kind of stuff. Needless to say, the way he presented it makes it appear as he felt like she was WAW #2.

Lord knows I may be waaaaay off with all of this, but it DOES give me a new perspective on things, his possible point of view. Holly cow if I were in his shoes I would feel like the victim! A crap ton of negatives in the short time frame of 7 months. Plus the quickly approaching unemployment date and uncertainty of his future…no wonder his soul looks so tired.

Bottom line: this guy needs some serious love and support and I’m gonna give it to him. Not to get him back, but bc this is a man that I love dearly and he needs to get that sparkle back in those eyes. Perhaps I went through the “victim” stage first so that I could be better equipped to help him through this?

[strongerthanever]

This is so right on!!! My horroscope for today....
SO many nuggets of wisdom here


You have been waiting for it...waiting for your answer...and it is Now!

And, the answer...the answer, always and ever, forever and ever, the answer is Love!

Mercury has been in Leo since June 25 and moving retrograde since July 14. Now Mercury (your mind) aligns with the Sun (your Self) and an answer is here...but you need to make ready to receive it. You need to be quiet and attentive...you need to be still within yourself and thereby open your sacred space to the possibility...for only then are you ready to be touched by the gift, to be lifted up by the Wind of the Spirit.

Mercury retrograde is your time of opportunity to review, revise and renew your understanding of yourself and your world. This periodic (thrice-yearly) reversal of Consciousness Force, of mind-stuff, provides the means by which you are able to move outside of your structured pathways of facts, assumptions and points of view.

These elements are needed and necessary...they are the very means by which you came to know the world as you do, of how you became self-aware and able to exercise your wondrous gift of Intelligence. But your pathway is circuitous...and it is equally true that you must come to see how these prismatic paradigms, your very own viewpoints have also been the source, the inherent creators of the blind spots within your dim-lit, self-illumined world. For as much as you have turned you eye upon the world with your brightly-beamings, with your wondrous intelligent illuminations, you have equally been creating deepening shadows too. You see through a glass darkly...and you do not know that you do this...and you will not and therefore cannot understand what you do not perceive...

You need help, a way to move beyond or outside of yourself. You need to find a place upon which to stand and see what lies beyond your self-cast shadows, you need to leave this hall of mirrors that you made. So Mercury/Hermes, the Messenger of the Gods, he answers the call, he does his part. He turns around to stir The Waters...he breaks the surface stillness and shows you the refracted, mirrored world through which you move...Yes it was real for you, but limited, shadowed and bounded...bounded by you.

Hermes reveals other points of view, he shows you other prismatic perspectives, different pathways of perception...and you can move into a greater awareness, you may be able to consider the possibility of another way of understanding...and you will Grow. You are able to better comprehend the perspective of another...and your Compassion waxes so that you can draw closer to one another...You move along the pathway of Knowledge and approach the Halls of Wisdom...

During this retrograde, in this re-turning/tuning of your mind, Mercury has danced to the song of Leo. You have been seeking to better understand how Leo can help or, if you misperceive, hinder your understanding of yourself and your world...and, given the over-long sojourn that Mercury has made here, there has been much to learn or re-learn this time around it seems...

The answer you have sought is here for you today...are you ready? Mercury has offered up a greater understanding about your mind as governed by Leo, by your need for appreciation, respect and approval...by your need for LOVE.

More often than you might like to admit, you may fall into error because you have a point of view that you feel you must uphold and defend, (even if you have your own misgivings or doubts about it), you hold firm because to admit that you were incorrect or wrong would be embarrassing to you. So...you hold when you should yield, you dig in when you should give way and the pain you create is equal to the pain that you will face later on...for that is the law, that is Karma.

But Hermes shows you the way through these shadowed pathways of the lower self, of your ego...for the true Leo way is the pathway of Love and Understanding. That rather than seeing your view as the one and only, the one true way, you extend and encompass through your Higher Self the Unconditional Love that links one and all, you extend your Self as you embrace the other before you whom you love as you love yourself...

And it is this greater understanding, to love the other as oneself, which leads to the breaking down of your more limited views as you blend or incorporate a more inclusive view with and through the other, as they do likewise through you. For this is the truth of it, what stands before you is a spark of the Divine, the Self-Same source as your Divine Flame, and for this reason you are held together in the all-encompassing Love of this One Divine Spirit, forever and always...

Your answer is now...let go of Pride and Fear.

Your answer is within...listen to your Higher Self.

Your answer is LOVE...let it shine, let it shine...

See the shadows fade away...as you Shine!

[~ kd ~]

STE, if no one has ever mentioned this to you or you have not read it here on the boards, DB (per the book) is a set of solutions to help someone work through and maybe save their M. It's touched on in the book and we speak more of it here, that DB is about what works and it is unique for everyone, therefore it is OK and APPROPRIATE to modify DB methods to suit us and our particular sitch.

So often when we talk about not mind reading the spouse, that is generally something that is said when the LBS is having thoughts about the WAS as "having the time of their life" or that they are intentionally trying to harm the LBS. Those are the types of thoughts the LBS needs to stop. It is harmful to the LBS.

Of course, that also takes us away from focusing on working on ourselves and becoming even better people than we were before.

OTOH, what you are doing IS mindreading, yet you're coming at it from a place of empathy. Understanding that he has his reasons and "here might be some of them" and it allows you to see that perhaps he really isn't the monster he might come across as.

That is a good thing. That you are understanding that his actions and words are possibly coming from a place of fear.

The difference is, the first type of speculation allows us to shut off and blame. The second type of speculation allows us to open up and empathize.

No, you can not help him solve HIS problems. What you CAN do is be that safe person that, even if all that comes of this is you are a true friend for him, he no longer is afraid of and feels he needs to protect himself from.

Certainly, it can also lead to the same for you. That you no longer feel he is the enemy and feel you need to protect yourself from him.

It will go a long, LONG way to helping your kids now and in the future.

Keep up the great work! Stay focused on yourself, yet be understanding and compassionate of your H.