One other thing I want to focus on is being lighthearted and fun. While my W was otp this morning and getting dressed, she turned to me and flashed me. I was just reflecting on it and wow was that a missed opportunity to have some fun.
Ya think ???
Maybe turn the tides on her a little with this....
What is the ONE thing, that she would not expect you to do in that situation ???
Find a way to respond, without responding...if that makes sense to you....
Find a way to turn that negative into a positive for you...
And is sure is better than those long showers you take : )
Originally Posted By: BD
So recap:
- No controlling behaviors - No expectations - No pressure (i.e. no R talk) - Have FUN!
Good list....
Sounds a bit like something that I read on a Divorce Busting website....
Quote:
When you think about it, this really is like when you start dating someone and it reminds me of something MrBond said to me when I first posted...being that person again when we first got together. Yeah, there's responsibilities and there are things to worry about, but my list above should be the "big rocks" in the jar.
It is about changing the things that you don't like about yourself...
Making better choices in life...
Dropping the co-dependant behaviors...
And just live your life...
Were you this anal when you met her ?
You didn't expect marriage on the first date to Chuck-E-Cheese did you ???
Maybe turn the tides on her a little with this....
What is the ONE thing, that she would not expect you to do in that situation ???
Find a way to respond, without responding...if that makes sense to you....
Find a way to turn that negative into a positive for you...
I am pretty happy with my delayed reaction....I text her something like "thx for the flash...next time I'll return the favor!" I think it was fun and lighthearted....I just want to start looking for fun things so when they happen, I'm right there with it.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Sounds a bit like something that I read on a Divorce Busting website....
Yeah, I've heard that website's pretty good
Originally Posted By: Mach1
You didn't expect marriage on the first date to Chuck-E-Cheese did you ???
Live that way now....
LOL...excellent point! And yes, definitely trying...succeeding a little more every day!
W is working a huge deal at work, one that may change her career. She's been really good at keeping me in the loop on her schedule for the last 2 weeks, which is really weird all things considered. Last night she didn't get home til 1130, but she did call me at 630 and ask me if I was ok with the dinner meeting (like I'm really in a position to say no).
When she got home she was excited and was telling me all about the deal. She reads me like a book and could tell I was a little uncomfortable with the late night and was very kind and reassuring (again, surprising), though I told her I was fine. She cuddled up with me and went to bed about 30 mins later. Wasn't much, but it was the first time in 2 weeks she's touched me in any way, so that's a baby step in the right direction.
Before we went to sleep, I said, "W, I know you're busy with your deal, and I'm not trying to overwhelm you or pressure you, but I wanted to let you know we're having game night Fri night in case you want to participate." She said she would be home by 3 or so today, finish her dialogue questions, and participate in game night.
All in all, I think this is how we would both want it to work in a perfect world. I don't give her crap for working late, we make time for family things, and make sure our M makes the priority list as well. I'm not getting my LL (quality time), or really, any LL at this point, but at least I don't feel disrepected constantly and I think the relief of pressure on her is helping as well.
I feel really good all in all. I really like where I'm going, and generally like how I feel, but I know I'm struggling with patience a little. She hasn't mentioned R, D, or moving out in the last two weeks. Given the situation though, I think Aug 4th would really be the move out date....not July 30 as she indicated, so that's probably the telling point.
We've got a busy couple of days in front of us...bought a new vehicle which we pick up tomorrow, then retrov, and church on Sun, along with Sun dinner, so we'll see how the weekend goes and I'll report back then.
Wow, what a difference a few hours makes. I finished up work early, decided to hit the grocery store, but thought I'd grab a late lunch and a beer at our local pub first.
Low and behold, my wife is there, with two guys that were her lunch meeting from 11:30am....it was 3:30pm. The one guy was already gone and the other was walking out the door. W introduced me to him as her H, but I could tell they had all been drinking for a while. The tab on the table was $100, and was all drinks. She told me that this was actually the 2nd tab...the first one was $200. W went on to say she had maybe 5-6 beers, but the guys were doing shots, and even went to the car to smoke some pot at one point. Personally, I do not do shots at a business meeting...but maybe that's just me.
I told my wife I was very uncomfortable and she shook it off....why? she says. I tried not to press, but it made me feel uncomfortable that she was drinking for 3-4 hours with some guys I didn't know. She responds, "just trying to close the deal." At this point she gets up and says she has to drop some stuff off, and I ask her if she wants to stick around for a couple of waters. She says no and bails.
Then, I see a guy we know there and he asks me, "are you guys separated?" And I'm like "no, why?" He was pretty broken up about it, but eventually told me some of what he overheard. He said, husband to husband, it's way out of bounds. The wait staff knows me and basically agreed...it was awkward for everyone. There was some hand to thigh and discussion of sex to keep it short and sweet. And this is my hangout...this is where I like to go for beers...of all the places, why did she pick this place? I'm pretty sure it was intentional....I even asked her if it was before she left the restaurant (she said no of course).
I went ahead and went to the grocery store shortly thereafter and came home. W was there and I asked her about it...I was clearly upset. She had enough to drink that she just exploded with anger. At one point, I grabbed her phone (yes, that was wrong). She's attached to that thing at the hip. I saw that she told OM "I love you I love you I love you" and that was enough for me. I gave her the phone back and she left.
I decided it was time to enlighten all parties so I called OM's W. She and I have basically been in the same place for years. We've both seen inappropriate behaviors and have blamed them on ourselves. She let me know that she had left OM a few weeks ago, so everything looks a bit convenient.
W came back a few hours later and said I had sealed my fate by calling OM's W. She was so angry she could barely talk. She packed up a bunch of her clothes and said she'd get the kids next week.
Serious failing on my part in the approach....but her texting OM "I love you" is out of bounds. She's been disrespecting me like this for years and I think I'm finally to the point where I can see it calmly, not blame my own insecurities, and say "no more."
We'll see what tomorrow brings....but I do think we're probably done, at least for the short term. Maybe a few months will change things, but I'm not willing to continue like this. I have made my share of mistakes, but I own them, and am becoming who I want to be. I am not blaming my parents, or my W, or whoever for my actions. This is where she's at, and I'm no longer to take the blame for her bad behavior.
Oh, I could use some input, from anyone....I'm upset, but actually fairly calm all things considered. I'm not sure contacting OM's W was the right thing...but I have thought about it for a long long time and it seemed time. I know grabbing her phone and looking at it was wrong, but seeing the texts actually allowed me to let go.
One thing that really bothers me is that OM's W told me my W has been telling OM for years that I'm physically abusive to her. We've had a couple of incidents over 15 years when booze was involved, but she's been as guilty as me. I can't believe she's telling people this. And tonight, she told me she had bruises all over her hips and a black eye, so asked me if I wanted to get the cops involved....really? Our kids are right here and she's going here? And I'm like "how the hell did you get a black eye and bruises?!" She says "how do you think BD?" Huh? Seriously? That's some anger there. I don't know what's going on.
I'm getting ready to play Uno with my little people....gonna try to salvage the rest of the evening.
There is no concrete proof of a PA, and I honestly don't think there is one, but both myself and OM's W know the relationship is inappropriate. I was thinking last night about the text I saw, and I could see a scenario where that is platonic and assuming they are really just friends, I can definitely see how this would make her irate. The problem I have with the scenario with the OM is that they both see the affects it's having on their marriages, yet they continue, and try to fend the both of us off.
The other thing that really bothers me is the guys she was drinking with last night. She's only known these guys a few weeks and so it looks now, that the inappropriate behavior is not limited to OM. That bothers me more than the OM issue honestly, because now I'm really not certain who this person is. She is definitely not the woman I fell in love with and created a family with.
I've done really good working on myself...I'm making great strides. I was even doing pretty good backing off my wife and not applying pressure or control. Now, I think I have to go LRT, and honestly, her behavior makes it pretty easy. I really don't want to be with the person she's become.
Funny thought I had....W and I dated in high school and saw each other for years afterwards, just a few times per year, the occasional card or letter, etc. It wasn't until I really gave up on her, until I stopped chasing her around and accepted she chose a different life that she turned around and chased me. Hopefully, 15 years later, we can see that happen again.
S13's bday tomorrow...crappy timing for him. W asked if I wanted to take kids bowling and then get his bday dinner. I told her she could take them, but it wasn't going to be a family deal. She could have either lunch or dinner, but not both. She's made this bed...let's see how comfy it is. I'm not trying to be an ass, but this is what she's asking for.
On the bright side, I did ask her about her expectations for church and she said "I think we should sit together. We are still a family." Well, that's something I guess.
W pressed me on why I didn't want her there for dinner and I explained that we're doing half days for this stuff from here forward. Her response, "I just feel immediately pushed out of this day."
Yeah, who would have thought half the day would suck as compared to all of the day. Duh. Believe me, there's a bunch of other crap you haven't thought about either!
Now she's telling me she wants to see the kids at least every other day. Are you frickin kidding me? My oldest said today was the first time he's seen her in 3 days, so what's the deal now? Who knows. I just told the kids to go with it...
Gonna be a rough couple of weeks as we try to come to some agreement on visits and such. We had agreed to go to church as a family this morning and she just popped in unannounced to get something. It took us all of about 3 mins to get into an argument about her telling OM "I love you." I got the definite impression it had turned into a PA. I am so hurt and angry right now, I don't want to see her or talk to her. She was miffed when I wouldn't sit next to her at church, and further irritated when I was short with her after. I think she has it in her head that we can just be friends and co-parent. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Co-parent yes...but tolerance is about the best I think I can do outside of that.
I want my marriage to work, but no longer can it be on her terms. I realize now that she's been cake eating for at least 6 months, maybe longer. She has had me to take care of everything at home while she's done what she wanted. She knew how much I wanted this to work, so she took advantage of it instead of embracing it. I feel kinda dumb.
I'm really struggling today. I think I will pack the rest of her things up so that that visit can be as short as possible. I'm considering filing for D myself right now...I know that goes against everything I've read, and everything I've wanted, but I'm conflicted right now because of the hurt. I want it to be over. I want to be loved and accepted, and I don't want to continue to hear about all the bad things I've done and how that made her do all the bad things she's done.
I think we had such an opportunity here to teach our kids something great. Marriage vows are important. You can work thru your problems. You can choose to forgive, you can choose to love. Family is first. I've tried my best to represent those things to my kids, but my W has decided to show them the other side of the coin.
