Some passages I read this afternoon that really hit home with me:
Quote:
It hits you in the stomach. The feeling fills you up--that gut-twisting, handwringing anxiety that is so familiar to codependents. It is what causes us to do much of what we do that hurts ourselves; it is the substance worry and obsession feed upon. It is fear at it's worst.
Yep, that pretty much explains the "panic" feeling I get sometimes when my W does whatever she wants without regard for our M. Now I realize that it's not just my W's behavior, but my reaction to it.
Next chapter was on detaching....talk about timing. One passage that rang out to me:
Quote:
Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves.
I am trying to allow some peace to flow over me. Letting go of the control, and not running to controlling behaviors is a challenge, but I'm going to keep my mind occupied. Off to read some more, work on my dialogue questions and maybe watch a movie!
Not perfect. But not bad. I didn't say anything and tried to appear upbeat. Unfortunately I'm an open book and my wife reads me pretty well. She asked me what was wrong and was I mad or upset about something. I said I was just reading and asked how her day was. When she changed clothes and went to the kitchen, I did not follow. When the kids became loud and she started yelling, I did not intervene. I let her come back to the br to get me for dinner. We had a couple of beers together and watched a show, then went to sleep.
She got up at 5am to workout. I did ask her where she was going,so a slight slip. At 7am, I went OUT for coffee. Yay, me time. My brother called and said he wanted to join me so another win.
This book really hits home in so many ways...ive highlighted so much!
Yesterday, when W got home, and I asked her how her day was, she started giving me the play by play....I did this, then that, etc etc. I said, you don't have to give me the play by play, I was just asking a general question.
This morning, I see a contract on our counter than has OM's signature on it dated yesterday. Somehow this wasn't listed in the play by play...imagine that. So like I said previously, she's going to do whatever she wants and either omit or hide interaction with OM. I've got to surrender to it and let her do her thing. I actually read something this morning that was right on..."People ultimately do what they want to do." She went on to say it didn't matter if it was right or wrong, who it hurt, or what we thought. That really hits home, and makes you realize why detaching is so important.
Once we're both off the phone this morning, she gives me the "hey, you weren't home when I got here, where'd you go?" I said, "I just went out for coffee." And then I get the "With who?" I started to think of that analogy someone wrote up about being outside the castle, having a picnic, and the spouse tip toeing out to see what was going on. No sudden movements....a little mystery, a little fun....no sudden movements.
Note, I'm not sure "OM" is the right term for the guy in this case, but given the lack of clarity of the situation, and the sneaking around related to it, I'm going to stick to it for the time being.
Decided to have movie night with my brother last night. I started getting phone calls from home and text from the kids around 9pm. No one knew where Mom was and D11 needed picked up from a friends. I called W, no answer. I then talked to S17, who ended up taking care of everything. All that was fine, but then I slipped up and sent W a nasty text. She responded as you would expect. After a few texts, I said I didn't mean to be an ass, but was scared and didn't like the kids to be home alone late. She responded she was struggling too.
As I look at this in hindsight, I view it as a small test, one which I failed. I assumed that W was being irresponsible and disrepectful. And even if she had been, and I knew it for certain, I let that control my behavior. I didn't act how I wanted to act, I let all the frustrations I've been holding back all week bubble up.
I feel a change in myself, a different way of thinking and understanding things. I actually laid in bed thinking over my actions, thinking thru my feelings and how I would have liked to act. Historically, I would sit there and think about how W did things wrong, but this time, I find myself stopping that train of thought before it even starts moving. She's going to do what she's going to do....I can't control it....I can only control me, and must choose how I want to behave. Man, change is hard.
NO! You're mixing up irresponsible parenting with control. Your kids were home alone and they tried to get a hold of your W who was God knows where. So they tried calling you. If they were in any mortal danger, your W could be thrown in jail.
Make a log of these incidents where they are left alone. The next time something like that happens again, when the kids call, go over and pick them all up and take them home with you. Tell your W that while she has the right to do whatever she cares to do to herself, when it comes to your children, they become the priority.
When she start objecting it, tell her that you have logged everything down and are turning them into the L for the record.
This isn't a test! It's lousy parenting from an irresponsible parent.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
NO! You're mixing up irresponsible parenting with control. Your kids were home alone and they tried to get a hold of your W who was God knows where. So they tried calling you. If they were in any mortal danger, your W could be thrown in jail.
I'm not saying her behavior is ok, just that my own behavior was not what I want it to be. I assumed the worst with limited information and acted out. I could have text her something like "Hey, S17 is saying xyz and no one is picking up at the house. Do you know what's up?" Instead, I basically went on the attack. I assumed she chose to ignore my call (that is a pattern I'm used to, but it's not an excuse), instead of thinking she may not have seen it or been in a bad cell area.
I discussed with W this morning (and apologized) and she explained what was going on, both with the kids and herself. She swears that she didn't miss a call from me, and only had 1 call from the house (not that it matters). I do think she had it under control and it appears that it was S17 who created unncessary drama because he wanted to go to a friend's sooner than W had told him. I will discuss with S17 today when he gets home just so me and him are on the same page.
On the negative side, W is still not in a place where she can accept an apology and move on though....she tried multiple times to turn it into a fight, but I refused (progress!). I wasn't really apologizing for her benefit anyway, it was for me. Even if she was being disrespectful and irresponsible, I would like to problem solve without the anger and frustration seeping thru.
Decided to have movie night with my brother last night. I started getting phone calls from home and text from the kids around 9pm. No one knew where Mom was and D11 needed picked up from a friends. I called W, no answer. I then talked to S17, who ended up taking care of everything. All that was fine, but then I slipped up and sent W a nasty text. She responded as you would expect. After a few texts, I said I didn't mean to be an ass, but was scared and didn't like the kids to be home alone late. She responded she was struggling too.
Hey BD....
Just catching up. I'm not on here much anymore, and don't read much here. So I hope that you aren't in any panic mode...LOL
You know, the WAS is going to make some pretty crappy choices with their parenting. That much is expected out of most of them.
I liked the way you came to grips with this, and that you EVENTUALLY put some perspective on it.
With that...let me ask you a couple things....
What was the plan for the evening ?
Did you effectively communicate that you were going out ?
Was she fully aware that SHE was responsible for pickup and drop-off for the evening ?
Was she under the impression that your Son was handling the pickup ?
All in all...
Was there CLEAR communication from you on what you expected from the evening ????
It is like what we talked about a few posts ago..
(Wife), I am going out for the evening. (Daughter) needs picked up at 9 from ____ , and Son has plans that hinge on her being picked up.
I'm not advocating what she did in any way. And I think that it is irresponsible for her to not be available for the children when they call....
What I am saying is...
That one of the things that YOU want to change within yourself, is that judgemental side of yourself. The controlling side of yourself...
What I would like for you to do, is to think about a way in which you can get your point across to her, without placing any blame, or judgement on to her for what YOU would have done differently....
And I would like for you to think about how YOU can handle a situation like this differently the next time....
Thanks Mach. No worries....this is a process and at some point the training wheels are going to come off!
Yes, she had a clear understanding of the fact she was in charge and like I said, in hindsight, I do think she had it under control. 90% of the negativity I felt I think I put on myself....I didn't trust her, I let myself have negative thoughts, and I let myself get worked up before figuring everything out. I made assumptions that were wrong. It didn't take me long to see this so that is progress, but I want to see it before I act next time.
Been an interesting couple of days. W has been down in the dumps lately...seems mostly from stress of work, but OM has been mad at her and she's been upset about that. Their business relationship looks to be ending, so that's good from my perspective, but I can see her rebuilding the same kind of thing with new people. It's weird. She seems to feed off other people so much, whether it's negative or positive. Even as I sit hear typing I can hear her laughing and giggling, half work related half BS with someone else on the phone (who I know isn't OM). Maybe this is just who she is. So much of the Codependent No More book applies to her...probably more than me even, but that's got to be her deal, not mine. My deal is not following her around worrying about who she is talking to...that's what I can control.
I've been concentrating on no pressure, no control, no expectations. I think she feels the difference. She asked me to dinner the other night, and we ended up spending the whole night together. It was fun, but also a little uncomfortable. My schedule just filled up though, so I probably won't be able to make another outing this week At least until Saturday night, when we have a retrov post session on conflict resolution.
For the rest of the week, I'd like to finish the codependent book and get our dialogue questions finished. We did 4 this week on forgiving and trusting....a couple of them are pretty deep and could shed some light on things for both of us. I'd also like to have game night with the kids again Friday and have dinner as a family on Sunday. Man, my week really did just fill up!!
Just heard that our retrov schedule got flipped a few weeks....instead of conflict resolution, we're doing intimacy and sex. Neither of us see that as a big issue for us...but I think we'll learn some things regardless. That means conflict resolution moves two weeks out, and we have a conflict (another wedding). Dang it...so probably the best two post sessions for us (forgiveness/trust and conflict resolution) will have to be made up in Oct/Nov timeframe.
One thing about the forgiveness session was mentioned via email that really stuck out to me. It said that we have a hard time forgiving people sometimes when their apology or request for forgiveness is not done in our preferred manner. W has really struggled forgiving me, and I think this may be part of the deal. I have said "sorry" for a lot of stuff (so much that eventually I said "I'm not apologizing for the same stuff over and over"), but I don't know that I've asked for forgiveness. I may initiate this at some point, should the opportunity arise.
W just blew out of here going 100mph....gave me a little insight on the 90 mins she was otp. She actually talked to 3 separate people, a GF, OM, and someone from her office regarding the deal she's working. I assumed it was a single person, and again, I hate that I make any assumptions! She said she'd be home early, but might have to go back out for a meeting on this deal she's working. I said "as a reminder, we have retrov on Sat and I'd like to..." She interjected "finish our homework...ok, this is Thur, got it."
No time for me in the AM bothers me, but now I understand that my LL is quality time and seeing her spend time with others, with none left for me, stings. Understanding the how and why I feel really helps hold negativity at bay.
One other thing I want to focus on is being lighthearted and fun. While my W was otp this morning and getting dressed, she turned to me and flashed me. I was just reflecting on it and wow was that a missed opportunity to have some fun. A little late, but I did text her in a flirty kind of way about it. I know this is something she wants and I've been a stick in the mud way too much. I deserve this type of fun as much as she does, so it will be another focus area for me.
So recap:
- No controlling behaviors - No expectations - No pressure (i.e. no R talk) - Have FUN!
When you think about it, this really is like when you start dating someone and it reminds me of something MrBond said to me when I first posted...being that person again when we first got together. Yeah, there's responsibilities and there are things to worry about, but my list above should be the "big rocks" in the jar.
At least until Saturday night, when we have a retrov post session on conflict resolution.