from the WAS to being walked away on

[AJM]

Nice to hear it was a good time and a good interaction.

Just for the sake of clarity, what changes exactly do you need to see in him? What's he said about those changes?

From what you posted, I can see a lot of confusion on his part - you changed radically in a short period of time where he wasn't necessarily aware he needed to change as well (I don't know, but speculating.)

So curious, what was his reaction to your stated needs?

AJ

[strongerthanever]

This is something I have been thinking about, BC this is a discussion we have not had. Crazy, I know. I do understand how impossible it is to move forward without it. You can't just randomly text your needs in a r out of the blue, but I do plan on taking advantage of the next opportunity to discuss my needs in a future r with H. And its ok if he isn't wanting to meet them. These ate needs that would supply to any relationship, so it is good to have clarity.

I need to have quality time with my partner, at least once a week, even if its only an hour walk somewhere. I need to have daily interactions where my partner and I communicate about our day. I need to feel supported and like an equal when it comes to domestic matters. I need to feel spurted in my personal goals and lovingly allowed to have my personal hobbies and identity. I need affection, and not just sexually. I also need the acceptance that I will make mistakes, and a partner that is willing to work through difficult situations.

I would not ask for anything that I expect/want myself to give to my partner. I know life has its challenges and don't want to give the impression that I'm looking for Mr perfect. Do my needs sound unrealistic?

[strongerthanever]

I do realize that you asked me what changes HE would need to make, and instead I went general on you. I believe I answered you this way BC right now I'm focusing on what it is that I need to slowly see with any man, and have dropped the expectation that he will be that man.

Forward thinking I think the next logical question would be WHAT will a person be doing that will demonstrate these qualities...I will touch on that tonight at work. Not sure why I'm wide awake at 4 am, but I know my 2 and 3 yr olds will be waking up much before I'm ready for them to

[AJM]

You never had that conversation? Your behavior felt justified to you? Your current behavior seems OK to you now?

It might be ok, but I can tell you as an outsider that it would confuse the hell out of me. I'd basically suggest that "my spouse is unhappy but having conversations in her head about me and to me. I get little fragments of those conversations. Not sure what to do about it." If I was your husband.

On the one hand, I get some of it. You are ending your marriage and blaming somebody else for it. I'm sure there are all kinds of crazy emotions around that.

On the other, it's all about you. Is that new? I dunno. But you are so self-centered in these posts, if I was your H I would be confused as well. Caught between my love for you, my pain at what you've done, your self-centeredness, my desire for my family to be together, and my own sanity.

More later,

AJ

[AJM]

Seems later came earlier than expected.

Look. You're hurt. You have hurt. The cycle continues. You are trying to make yourself ok.

I get that.

I am trying to play back to you what your husband may see. I know it is what I see. I am in no way trying to diminish your feelings or actions. They are yours and you are entitled to them.

But what I see in your posts is what I wrote. I see what would confuse any man or woman if you acted that way towards them.

What you described as your wants and needs earlier? Those are baseline easy to provide for from any partner. They are basic partner type principals if you ask me. I don't think you should have any trouble getting that IF YOU ASK.

But you will need to give as well. Do you know what your H expects and wants? I mean really expects and wants not just what you think he does?

Your posts seem confusing, but not "abandon all hope" level. It seems to me from what you described there is a problem but I'm not sure yet where it is. I do think to solve it, you'll want to start with better communication and less trying to hurt each other.

AJ

[strongerthanever]

I never thought of my actions as being self centered, and I so appreciate your honesty in what you saw. H and I never communicated about our R needs. What I do know is that we are both hurt and waiting for the other to change or do the ice breaking.

What's holding me back? Pride, pain, ego, fear of opening myself up to rejection? Yes. Afraid to go there emotionally again after 7 months, yes.

This if making me cry and I don't even understand. But I do get what you are saying. It doesn't make since to leave the home, not communicate your needs and then build a huge wall of protection, only to cry about not having your family together or to focus on Hs behavior. I get it.

I need to communicate with the person that I love. The reason I have not is out of the assumption that it will inflate his ego and he will walk off thinking he won, that he feels inflated that I want to be with him and walk off with his chest in the air.

I don't think I've ever been so honest.

Seeing my own (crazy) words in front of me, it seems impossible to have a meaningful r with ego in the way.

I need to communicate to him everything. He prefers email, so I'm thinking I need to push my ego aside and be a big girl. My biggest concern is on how to communicate everything without it appearing as begging or pursuing AND while detaching from an expected outcome. I'm scared but I know I can do it. The D clock is ticking down, if I have to detach all over again after bringing to light all of these suppressed emotions then do be it.

[AJM]

If I may, let me suggest a few things:
1) think about it before you write anything to him. Seriously. You do NOT want to waffle as that will just destroy trust. You have to mean it.
2) You said your ego is part of the problem. I think there's more. But I will say that ego, in the scheme of things, is worthless if you watch the love of your life and your family walk away because of it.

I get it. Nobody wants to be hurt. But everyone does want to be the hero. You may not get what you want. You may not fully know what you want. But you have the chance of a lifetime to make things great. To learn the lessons and really make things great.

What I do know is that we are both hurt and waiting for the other to change or do the ice breaking.

What's holding me back? Pride, pain, ego, fear of opening myself up to rejection? Yes. Afraid to go there emotionally again after 7 months, yes.

I totally see this in your posts. Your words ring painfully true. If that helps

I think you are both hurt and I think his confusion makes it harder for him than you. You don't have a huge window of opportunity I would think. But you do still have a choice whether now or later. Your choice is how you handle things. You have to accept that his choice is just as valid.

Be brave. Take the risk and go get what you want. You don't have to give up your pride or ego for this, but you can set it aside and realize there are much bigger and more important things you want in the long term.

I appreciate your honesty and consideration of another side to things. I really do. I think that says a lot about you.

Peace,
AJ

[strongerthanever]

Thank you AJ. I will not waffle, nor will I allow myself to continue to act from a place of fear or anger. I will post my email after I send it.

[strongerthanever]

Well, email is sent. I'm just going to be still and quiet for now. Here's a copy of the email...ps this was huge for me


Marcelo,

You recently told me that you regretted not trying harder in our relationship. My biggest regret is failing to communicate with you. For the past 7 months I have been assuming that you understood how I felt. I also continued to justify my actions based on the past, and put up a wall to protect myself.

You can be loved, or you can be right, but you can't have both. What's the point in me being right if in the end it means losing the man and family that I love? That is why I am writing you, the possibility of rebuilding our relationship is more important to me than my pride.

I want to start by going back to December, when I decided to leave our home. I did not walk away from you and our family because I did not love you, or because of another man. At that point in our relationship I truly believed that I was in a relationship where I was not loved, not cared for and felt taken for granted. I believe in our marriage and family so much, and it took A LOT to make me feel as if I could only be happy if I walked away from our relationship. To best describe it, I felt trapped in a home where I felt I gave so much to someone that didn’t even notice me. I do not say this to make you feel bad, I just want you to understand where I was emotionally at that time.

YES, at that time I was in an affair, but understand he is not the reason that I left. It was never my intention to leave you for another man. By that point I had emotionally checked out of our relationship and someone else just happened to come along. To be honest the relationship was more of an emotional band aid than anything, something to distract me from the pain that I was feeling.

To be honest all I really wanted was for you to appreciate me and to "wake up". I never wanted any of this to get so messy and painful for our family. But here we are, 7 months later...both regretting letting things get so out of hand and not sure how to repair things. The only thing I know is to be honest and communicate with you. I have been so quiet all this time because I was just scared of opening myself up to being hurt again. I have been busy playing victim since December that I haven’t allowed myself to think about what it would take for us to move forward.


I can't even imagine how betrayed and hurt you felt when you discovered that I had been unfaithful. I know that being able to trust and feel secure in our relationship is something that you struggle with. Your fears are more than valid. If we were to pursue a relationship again your trust and love is something that I would never again take for granted. I had a hard lesson in discovering how damaging outside relationships can be, and how they prevent the real relationship from healing and moving forward.

You have said that you are worried that I would be looking for "something better". I planted that seed of doubt in your head early in our marriage by judging you about your weight and not being the supportive friend that you deserved. I so wish I could take that selfish time in my life back. The honest truth is, I've been on my own for 7 months now, and I have yet to find another man that could begin to take your place. Yes, I have gone on dates, and I always found myself comparing them to you. Regardless of how good someone may sound on paper, they couldn't fill that place in my heart like you do. When I am close to you, when I am in your arms, when I kiss you-my soul is at peace. I don't know any deeper way to describe it. The reason that I have been single for the past few months is because I realized how in love with you I still am. For me being with another guy would be settling, and I don’t want to settle. It doesn't feel right to have any other man by my side or in our girl's lives. I'm not gonna lie, this has really sucked and been painful, and yet I still love you unconditionally and am committed to you.

You asked me what would be different if we were to try again, and I really want to answer that. You would be my equal, my partner. Our relationship would be my biggest priority, because without that strong foundation everything else just falls apart. Alone time for us at least every other week would be a must-at some point we stopped making time to nurture our relationship. You would have the space to have an identity and life outside the home. I have learned how important it is not to lose yourself in being a parent or spouse, you need your space too. When you need to talk I will listen, when you need to cry you have my shoulder, when you feel down you would have my encouragement and when you are mad you would have the space to work things out. You would also have my undying word that never again would I go outside of our marriage for any kind of fulfillment.

With that being said I think it is fair to tell you what I need from a relationship. I need to feel like my well being is important to you. I need to feel your presence as a parent with our children and a partner in our home. I need to feel supported in pursuing my personal interests. I need affection, I need date nights or quality time alone together. I need to feel safe that should we have a disagreement that we can cool down and talk about it in an appropriate way. I also need to feel loved and accepted for who I am, flaws and all.

I realize that I have been writing this as if you still wanted to be married. During this time apart from one another you may have decided that you would rather not spend the rest of your life with me, and I have come to accept that possibility. This is your life too, and I want you to be happy. I don’t want to give the impression that I am writing this to convince you to come back-if you are content with moving forward with our divorce then I fully support it. No matter what, I will always love you. I am more so writing this to attempt to heal the past so that our future can be better-whether that be as husband and wife or as parents to our little girls. I hope this email can serve as a healthy start for us to begin communicating more openly.

I know this was long, there is a lot I wanted to express to you. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

[AJM]

That has to be the strongest thing I've ever seen somebody do. No matter what happens now, and I think you should plan to wait for a while, I think you did the right thing. Remember to not waffle on the things you wrote.

I did notice in there that you blamed him for some of it. I would suggest tabling that line of thinking for the near term. In other words, somebody has to go first, and I suggest you let him and hold off with any accusations. In this case, learn to be a great listener at this point.

I'm proud of you!

AJ