from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

Just heard the song "what hurts the most" by Rascal Flatts and started to cry. I know I have to walk down my own path. It just hurts that something that was so special in my life now seems like a dream.

On a more positive note, I saw something today that made me smile...

when life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say "you hit like a b!tch"

[strongerthanever]

I find myself pondering the meaning behind "for better or for worse"

I guess right now I'm in the for worse part. H and I have to give each other copies of D paperwork before turning it in to the courts. H has not handed anything over or mentioned it, so neither have I.

I contacted him earlier this week about enrolling D3 in soccer and asked if he was able to commit to taking her to practice/games on his weeks. He was enthuastic, which is good. I am happy to see us working together as parents. Even on his weeks I plan to be at her games. This is not about pursuing him, but is about being involved in my daughter's life. If it were any other person I'd be there too.

Only one interaction to comment on-
H and I ml on a Monday, followed by a week of no contact. The following Monday he text me last min as I was headed out the door to drop the girl's off at H's daycare for them. (it was the beginning of his week with them) He started out with small talk, but I responded by telling him that I was busy at the moment and would have to talk later. He then responded that he wanted me to watch them so that he would not have to pasy for their care for the day. I politely responded 2 hrs later that I just noticed his text and had already dropped them off at the time we had agreed upon. He said it was ok and wished me a great day...lovebug. No responce from me.

I still do not have any desire to work on a R with him. His ACTIONS would have to consistantly match his words, and as of right now that hasnt happened for longer than a few hours. Perhaps God isn't done working on this man's heart yet....
But enough trying to figure someone else out

I can't express how happy I have been this past month! My sweet girls are such a blessing, I cherish every moment with them. I am so grateful for their little arms that wrap around me and their sticky kisses. I make every day with them as meaningful and memorable as possible. Never again will I take me blessings for granted.

On my days without them I zumba and cardio kick box it up! I love having a healthy positive outlet for expressing myself. The woman I have met are so much fun to be around. I'm even getting some muscle definition! I have also regained all the weight that I lost post turning into the LBS.

For the longest time I wasn't cooking, which is something I have passionatly started doing again. I even cook full course meals for myself when I'm alone! This week with my girls I'm looking forward to starting a new tradition-home made smoothies and ice cream crawling with gummy worms and other gummy critters. I love letting them help pick out and create our meals.

A friend told me something last night that brought tears to my eyes... "you are taking on full time school, night time shifts in the hospital, a divorce, single parenting and life all with dignity, grace and self respect-it's inspiring" thank you

[strongerthanever]

I also changed my name from jamiegarcia333 to strongerthanever-I like that much more, because I AM stronger than ever

[AprilT]

How do you do it stronger? How do you stay strong?

[strongerthanever]

April,

I was just reading your posts and my heat hurt for you. There were months where I would wake up feeling so gotempty inside and would spend my days crying, begging to God to bring my love back. .it is part of the process, but man its no way to live.

I think I got to a point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was focusing on what was "missing" and not what I had to be grateful for. I knew I was a great person, despite the things I wish I could take back, and that I deserved to be happy. I also reflected on past heart breaks that at the time I thought I would never recover from.

And yes, I Assn happy

[strongerthanever]

(posted too soon)

Yes I am happy now, but that doesn't mean that I don't get sad and cry every more and then. I love my husband SO much and the family we created together. And in about 2 months we very well will be divorced.

It will hurt like hell, but I know I will be ok. I know that I am a great woman, worthy of being loved. So are you. I won't place my self worth in someones hands that does not have my best interest at heart. And neither should you.

Wish I could pull you outside for some fresh air and a good walk. We are here for you. I have faith that every tear shed is making you stronger.

I do have one question for you to ask yourself. When will you allow yourself to feel happy again?

((((hugs))))

[AJM]

Stronger, I'm confused as I read your posts. I read through them, and it seems like you are waiting for him to change. That seems odd to me.

Your honesty is very helpful and I thank you for it.

I didn't see your posts in thinking about leaving, but I'll go take a look. You mentioned you had good reasons for leaving. Why has that changed? Why do you want a changed him and not the him he is?

Just curiuos.

AJ

[strongerthanever]

Im not waiting on him to change (in order to be happy), but he would have to change in order for me to consider being in a R with him again.

If you look back you'll see I was a waw, and he DB me without even knowing it. But once the hype from that calmed down, I saw that he was still the same MSN I walked away from. I love him dearly, there's no denying that.

BUT, I need to be in a healthy relationship where I too feel like a equal partner that is loved and cared for. I need to feel appreciated and cared for. I use to think it was selfish to want that in a relationship, now I understand that's the basis of a healthy relationship.


It wasn't so easy for me to just walk out. At the lowest point in our m I was a sahm, no car, expired dl, no personal bank account...nothing. I completely depended on H for survival and my personal identity. It took 2 years to get where I am today, that's a long fight for my independence, but I am worth it.

I now have a full time job as a dod civilian, I'm a full time student st a university, I have my own apartment and last December bought my car. Complete change since 2 years ago.

And like I said, I love this man like crazy, but I'm also at a point where I'm ok that he just might not see r the way I see them. That he may not be capable of meeting my needs in a r. Make sense?

I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than in a R for the wrong.

[strongerthanever]

Excuse the typos, its my darling phone, lol

[strongerthanever]

suprise interaction today

H was out of a special ointment for D2 and asked if he could have some of my stash. Of course I said.

I was in the middle of making brownies for my girls and for a potluck at school when he arrived (with d2/3).

He kept commenting on how good the house smelled, and how he use to get excited in the old days when I baked. He laughed and made small talk. The girls and I danced in the kitchen while waiting for the first batch to cool. I love dancing with them.

I noticed H was just staring and smiling, like he was in the moment too. We all enjoyed brownies, and I sent some home with him. I bake for my co workers all the time, and I can't wait to bake for d3's soccer team

A few hours later H text me saying that he loved me so much as the mother of his children. He says that quite often.

Either way, it was a treat having a suprise "family" moment. I wasn't nervous and wasn't thinking about the past at all. When he left I was pleased to find that I easily returned to the happy place I was in before he even text me. It gives me real hope that we will be able to leave the past where it belongs and focus on our girls together as friends.

It was also really nice to see him genuinly peaceful and happy. I really am happy for him.