Haven't posted for sometime as nothing much has been happening in terms of our R. All I have been doing is trying to concentrate on keeping my changes and not backsliding.
It looks like things are slowly improving.
While on vacation, on the 5th or 6th day, after getting lost while driving in a foreign country, we were all getting a bit on edge. H and I argues but got over it.
The things about this is that when our D seemed to get irritated too, H starte explaining to D that she should understand that the reason why one persons mood affects the other, was that we were all connected. I said "yeah, we all care for each other" amd he agreed, pointing out that we never say "whatever" to each other, and its because we do care.
I really felt good hearing him say those things!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Although it wasn't completely a surprise, still I was hoping that things would not be so bad and I would be able to stay a bit more.
The good thing is that H has taken it well. He is being supportive, telling me that I was miserable anyway at that place, and that I should take a break and that it was time for a new job anyway.
The day after I lost my job we went to attend a Retrouvaille picnic and had so much fun with everyone else!
We are doing OK so far. We never talk about our R but H does talk a lot about future plans, about vacations we are planning to take years from now, he even has mentioned retirement, and it seems like we are a solid team again. No ILY's, no physical affection though. It seems like we are best friends in this M. We do ML regularly, every week or so.
The R with OW I believe no longer is there. I see no traces of any communication other than work related, OW is getting married in just a little over a month now, and H doesn't anymore seem depressed or bothered by it outwardly. I do think that he is suppressing his feelings for OW to avoid feeling hurt, but for me, that is positive, as it means that he is able to control himself more. I also see him as consciously makng an effort to be appreciative of his family.
The doctors he works with in OW's country are here in the US for training; he told me this morning that tomorrow, he wants them to meet me and D. I can see that his prode in his family is coming back, and he seems to want to show us off to them.
I am being very careful to keep my changes, and its hard but slowly I am getting there.
The loss of work, which would have devastated me before, now has been put intoproper perspective by all the sufferings I have been through, and I do think that having my family intact is way more important to my happiness than work, thus I don't even feel bad about it.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Angel, just popping in to see how you are doing. I'm sorry to hear you lost your job, and glad to hear your h is being supportive. How are you doing now?
How do you feel when your h talks about future plans and vacations? When my H used to do this last summer in the middle of the crisis, that was one of the small things that gave me some hope, that he was actually talking about a future and including me in it, despite his behavior toward me.
Take care of you {{{{{{{{{{{{Angel}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I'm doing OK, interviewing. I think I should be able to find work soon.
When H talks about future plans, what i think about is that he really doesn't want us to be apart, and is trying to let me know that by implying it, but he will never ever admit that to me.
Oh well.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Hi CTflor! I have been wondering about you too! I did go to your post and read your recent update. Let me share with you my update, and after this, I am going to start a new thread. I’ve been doing well… I now have a job, it’s out of town so that means I travel more than usual, but between traveling I get to work from home so it’s actually a great compromise! You know, marriage wise, I am also in sort of the same boat as you. In the back of my mind, I still feel the hurt. Once in a while, it comes to the surface. I sometimes still snoop; go through his things, his phone. Remember, in my case, there is still a small connection between ex OW and H as she works for the company he is in, though very much in a part time manner, and remotely (as a consultant in a far-away country, as she has gone back there and is now practicing her profession, and is actually engaged to be married at this point). Most of the time, there’s nothing, but once in a while I’d see a work email, or a text. It would bring back the feelings of anger, of frustration, and makes me suspicious. I have to practice thought stopping so that I will not open old wounds with discussions that would only make us backslide. There are still a lot of things that are missing in my life at this point, if I measure it against what I want. Until now, H has not apologized to me verbally. By actions, yes, I can see it, and knowing H intimately, I can tell every bit of what his actions are telling me. But I still want to hear it. We have not discussed OW, what is happening now with her, or anything else about that relationship. He has not said ILY. What I can tell from his actions on this is that he is trying to learn to love, doing things that Biblically are the definition of love, but I know that he is not quite there yet. While I do appreciate it, I also feel sometimes that its not natural. When I think of these, I feel this emptiness and sometimes ask myself: is this something that I can live with? Just like many, I want my H to be crazy in love with me. I wish for those feelings of being secure in someone’s love. I long for affection, intimate conversations, and holding hands and loving looks. And then I look around me, and see how happy now my D is. She is blooming under the relaxed atmosphere at home, knowing that Mom and Dad are once again in good terms. Whenever I see H now, he is always smiling, laughing, calling me from work, calling me while driving home. I think of what a big difference there is from two years ago, how long we have come. I still remember how it felt to be like to be ignored, to feel like it was not my home, to want to leave and never come back. It has been a slow road. Just last April/May, we still had some major set backs. But now it seems like the road is getting smoother. And whenever I get that discontented feeling, I just tell myself to stop and let healing take over. And let God.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
