I think being aware of it is step 1. Step 2 probably is asking questions, rather than providing suggestions. In my example above, instead of saying "here, do this" I should ask "what makes you feel that way?" This really ties into listening, so again, more practice on that.
Boundaries are for you. They should be in place for your protection, not to place restrictions on anyone else. They should be in place to protect your personal emotional space. To limit the amount of pain that another person can inflict onto you.
Before you can put them into place, you really have to know who YOU are ...
What you can allow inside...
What you are willing to tolerate...
What you can, and cannot live with...
Do you know that right now ????
So let's 'breakdown' your boundaries.....
#1- Inform me of evening plans/changes
I may be wrong, yet it appears that you are doing the majority of the Parenting during the evening hours...
Yes ?
If that is the case, then #1 is pretty easy, and actually it should be unspoken...
YOU should be making the plans for the evening. No questions, no BS.
And YOU can communicate to her, what YOUR plans are....
Wife, I am planning dinner for the kids at 5:37pm. After dinner, we are planning on going to Billy Bobs Barber Emporium to learn how to shave a Sasquatch. We should be home around 9. Please let me know if you are planning on joining us.
Wife, I am not planning on being home this evening, I have made plans and should be home around 10.
You aren't being an ass or anything, you are simply taking control of the things that you are already taking care of. The only difference is, that you are showing confidence in YOUR actions.
Be respectful, and tactful when you interact.
So really, there is no boundary to put in place, or enforce...
I was once told that...
Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell, and they look forward to the trip....
Sometimes.....you have to be the change that you want to see...
Mach1, that was very helpful, thank you!!!
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
I think being aware of it is step 1. Step 2 probably is asking questions, rather than providing suggestions. In my example above, instead of saying "here, do this" I should ask "what makes you feel that way?" This really ties into listening, so again, more practice on that.
So...
Your step 1 , is my step 2...
My step 1, would be asking a hard question of myself....
Step 1 - WHY am I like that ?
Step 2 - Being aware
Step 3 - Asking questions
Step 4 - Stopping controlling behaviors
Are you with me ????
I hope so, cause I already know my answers, and that would look kinda creepy, if I sit here with a "Breakdown" costume on, trying to think like you....
Wow, that's a serious question. At first, I just wanted to cop out and say that's just the way I am, but wow, that one stings. The more I think about it, the more upset I am....and I can't really explain why that makes me feel so sad. I should be happy I'm figuring this stuff out, but maybe this one is a little close to home.
I took a look at a quiz on "am I controlling" and unfortunately, I passed. The thing that really stuck out to me was the resulting paragraph:
Quote:
You are a controlling person. You feel that control is necessary because people hurt your feelings a lot, and your memory of this goes back into your painful childhood. To keep from being hurt more, you try to control your feelings, which basically means you are very selective about revealing yourself to others. Your overriding need to be in charge or to have things your way drives people away from you, despite the fact that you work very hard to take care of their needs. The only emotion you show easily is anger or irritability. You constantly explain your motives and give reasons for why you are the way you are, but somehow this doesn’t help you get you what you want, which is other people’s love and affection.
This describes, at least for most of my life, pretty well. So just like my insecurity, my unwillingness to open up completely to my wife, and my judgmental attitude, control is another piece of the puzzle.
I think you hit a good spot to dig a little. Really be honest with yourself, and see what comes to the surface...
This is the hard stuff BD, yet it is the part of it that will complete you as a person down the road..
Becoming that person, is what will ultimately give you the best shot at restoring your relationship....
Counter-intuitive huh ?
So, would I be safe to assume that working on your control issues will help you in the other areas that you have identified as trouble areas ???
I highly recommend reading Co-dependant No More
A lot of things that you see in there will really open your eyes, and help you see things from a new perspective.
And maybe you should re think your list of personal goals. I think it helps to re-evaluate them as you grow...
Thanks. You have really helped me think thru some stuff. I read "The Journey Called You" a while back...I think that was one of my first books I dug into when I started to question how I felt about things, before the bomb was even dropped. One of the things that stuck with me from that was that once you start down the path of personal improvement, you start to question everything, and the journey turns into a lifelong project.
I definitely feel like that and I've even told my wife, this is the beginning of change, it's not a short lived thing...it's going to continue. I've just begun to change into the person I want to be...I don't plan on stopping. But sometimes answering those hard questions is just that...hard. But I thank you for asking them...I think I've grown much faster with your guidance than I would have on my own.
Will definitely pick up the book you suggest....more growth!
Yes, I definitely feel that way, that once we open ourself to accepting change, that we never stop....
The day I stop being open to change, is the day they are chunking clay on me...
You have come a long way, and you will continue to see things in a new light.
One thing I noticed is, that you have told your wife ?
While I realize that you do have some communication with her, I would recommend keeping that silent.
When that change becomes a part of your life, that you are living just for you ? Then you won't have to 'tell' her anything...
They will become part of your actions, which speak way louder than words..
It is all part of "acting as if". Just living your life, knowing that whatever gets thrown your way, YOU can handle. Because you have taken the time to learn about yourself, and accept criticism in a positive way. You learn what "your" truth is, and you learn how to let the un-truth slide off of you, like water off of a Duck's back...
You have come a long way, yet there is still so much to do...
How about your new list of goals for yourself ?
How about you, plan to find time for just you....One afternoon each weekend, and Two nights a week...
Is that something that you can find acceptable ?
Even if you take a walk for an hour one of those nights....
Or you go to the local Coffee Shop every Saturday afternoon..
I don't make a point of talking to W about my changes, but she mentions it quite often, sometimes casually, sometimes during an argument. We've been casually talking this week, no R talk, no D talk, no physical touch, just normal everyday stuff. We were talking about someone else this morning and she said "I don't think you realize how angry you were for so long." I definitely do, but I didn't really want to tell her everything I've learned about myself so I just said, "I do understand it" and left it at that. I'm with you here...if she wants to ask me questions about my personal growth, I'm happy to discuss, but it's not something I need to bring up. If she was DBing, she wouldn't trust anything I'd say anyway....it's all in the actions.
I'll work on a new set of goals and circle back to you.
I think 1-2 nights/week and an afternoon is a good goal. I've been trying to do movie night with my B and golf night every week already, so that generally gives me the 2 days....weekends I need to work on.
I took the day off today...going to dialogue with the W in a few mins, then taking the kiddos to see Batman. I told W we are doing pictionary and pizza tonight. She has a bday party to attend but she said she may try to cut out early to join us. I didn't really invite her or not invite her, but I'm glad she showed interest.
Tomorrow I've got to take my daughter home....summer break is about at an end. It's about a 9-10hr round trip for me, so I generally have a good chunk of thinking. This time though, I've decided I'm not going to come straight home. I'm going to take a detour and stay the night at my mom's, see some of my family that lives there. I'll take my new co-dependency book in case I have down time. Every time I make this trip I think about stopping at my mom's, but I never do. This time, I will, for me. It'll probably give my W some additional space too, which is what she's been asking for, so win win.
Just back from visiting with my Mom. Got together with my sister and her 3 boys for dinner last night...they hadn't all been together in over a year, so that was kind of cool. We had a good time and I really enjoyed the evening.
I read about 1/5 of the co-dependent book....really hitting the mark. Sometimes I actually think it's talking about my wife, sometimes me.
Got home a bit ago, walked in the house and unloaded. Saw the camera sitting at the front door and thought I'd download the wedding pics from last weekend. Once I open them up, I find pictures of a motorcylcle that is clearly at OM's house. I take a look at the time stamp and it's Monday at 415. Recall from Monday:
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
Again, after serious discussions, and all, I see baby steps tonight. She calls about S12's swim meet, saying she's otw....he decides he wants to skip due to heat, so I text her that. She calls and says, "do you mind if I go do this work related stuff." I say, no, do what you need to...I've got it under control here. She says great, be home at 7. 645 rolls around and she text me "going to have a beer with joe and his wife, be home 745"...I say "k, thx." Wow, that may be the first time she's actually told me that she wasn't going to be home when she originally said, and actually told me she was going to be drinking. I feel safe...I know what's going on, I feel that she actually trusted me. That may not seem like a big deal, but in our relationship, it is. Maybe it's because she's saying she's done, but she's been saying that every month for a year now so I think that's real progress. She took a step and trusted me....I'm taking a step and trusting her. I will be upbeat and happy when she gets home, with no expectations. Let's see what happens.
That call was at 445, so she's coming from OM's house. Wow. Now, maybe the guy wants to sell the motorcycle and she's helping by taking some pics...hell, I really don't have any idea. It's actually got me a bit worked up, and I'm struggling to find some peace. My heart is pounding and I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack.
She's at "work" now, so my guess is she's probably with him...the kids have no clue. Now, that's a negative thought....gotta stop with those. Old habit...bad, old habit. What I'm not going to do is mention it, or act mad, or anything. Maybe 45 mins of cardio and some reading will get me to a peaceful place. If not, maybe I'll go grab a movie. I cannot be like this when she does get home.
Well, cardio wore me out...still irritated as I feel I'm constantly being lied to, but what can you do. What I can't do is control W...she will do what she pleases, and hide it effectively if she believes it will make me upset or if I disagree with it, that much she has shown me again and again. Digging in deeper and trying to "find the truth" just appears controlling to her, so I'll dismiss it and move forward.
I'm going to go grab some tea or a beer and read for a while. I don't want to just sit here stewing.
