Only you know if you W is drawing closer to you or not, if that is what's happening and it were me I would also be inclined to keep doing what works.
Yeah. Many moons ago I fooled myself with that belief. I wish I had listened to the vets then myself. It wasn't until my own head cleared that I was able to see clearly.
Lost, no one has a magic wand but you will see one day that those who advise you to do things which seem counterintuitive are in fact right.
More often than not posters like you who brush off good advice that comes from experienced vets, prolong their limbo and end up back on forums 6 months down the road with more of the same or worse situations.
Your W is feeding you crumbs while you feed her cake.
She is waiting for your finances to get better before she makes her move to kill.
She is making sure that you have not contacted OM. She does not want anything to go wrong with her plans.
She is making sure that the children are shielded from the direct damage and don't know the whole truth in case there will be custody battle.
She is doing everything that works for her.
Sadly you don't wish to see the big picture. And that is also a part of the script.
I am taking this damn seriously. As bad as this situation is, it snapped me out of my downward spiral. I was severely depressed and just going through the motions in my life. I took my W and Ds for granted. I dreaded spending time with my Ds on my days off because I was so depressed all I wanted to do was sit in my misery. I lost all my drive and ambition. I was defeated in life. I saw no hope.
This woke me up. I started to work out again and became confident in my body and my appearance. I now had energy. I looked forward to spending time with my Ds and like to plan things to do with them. I started to care about my career and got a great job that is aligned with a 'normal' family life (nights and weekends off, holidays off, etc). I reconnected with friends and started to do things for me.
Whether my W and I R, I know I am a better person. The person I used to be and the person I wanted to be.
If my W don't make it, it isn't going to be because I didn't try. I won't look back with any regrets on what I wish I did. I will know I did everything I could and it just wasn't meant to be.
If I went dark and we didn't make it, all I would do is question why I didn't try. Going dark shifts the focus to the W. She has to make the first step. Some people in life are too scared to make the first step. I am not going to look back on life with regret anymore.
Think about all the girls(or guys) you liked in high school but never asked out because you weren't sure what they would say. A few years down the road it comes out and they ask why you never asked them out because they would have said yes.
I have gone completely dark before and it didn't work for me. I dated a girl I went to high school with during college and some time after graduation. We spent a lot of time together, connected emotionally. We used to talk long distance for hours at a time back when you were charged by the minute. We split up for a bit and she mentioned wanting to see other people. I went dark after that conversation. After knowing her for almost 10 years and talking so much over time, we never spoke again. Never. I never dialed her number, she never dialed mine. I am not a fan of darkness.
My situation is where it is right now because I followed some DB/DR practices.
I brought the situation from both W and I contemplating D, W saying she saw no chance of us every getting back together, severe tension between us during handoffs, W wanting to spend zero time with me, no hope at all to where I am now where we are talking again and having fun.
I did this with GAL, 180s and some darkness.
What is your trigger for when things are working? When it is time to move to a new stage. Mine was when the W started to open up to me again and started to feel comfortable around me.
I moved too soon. I should have waited a bit longer. But I didn't. So it is going to be a tougher road than if I gave it longer, but we are still moving. I am not going backwards to where I was. That would do more harm than good.
So while I might not follow advice 100%, I am following it and adjusting it to my situation. I agree on being available yet distant. I need to distance myself because I think we are spending too much time together too soon. Adjust the distance but not go too crazy.
Our R is building right now. My current goal is to slow it down. There are issues that need to be resolved so I need to take it slow. I am going to continue to GAL on the nights the W has the Ds and try to avoid doing anything with the W on those nights.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Lost you received a few different pieces of advice the past day. Some said to go dark. Some said to not make your self so available at a moments notice.
There is a reason behind this.
The goal is for your wife to miss you.
To realize that she is not in control of the situation.
She is the one having the affair. Not you. You should be in-control of your life and your marriage at this point in time.
Why?
Because you are the only one in it.
So there is no one telling you to be an A. To avoid her.
But to pull back. You have improved. Good. You always speak to your wife with respect and you always act honourable.
That is what being a man is.
But some times we get focused on recovery when we should not be at that stage.
You are not at recovery.
She needs to miss you to be given the opportunity to decide if she wants to recover an equal marriage.
You need this as well.
This is not a high school relationship. The stakes and experience are higher here. So I would put that out of your mind.
And as long as the potential for OM is in the picture. Your R is not building. It is just spinning.
Let her come to you. But not always on the first or second attempt.
Let her work for a change.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
My only concern is you say you're going to take it slow and I think you already had this mindset before you went to dinner with her, however, then look what happened... she slept over.
So if you say you're going to take it slow then I would really stick to that. This is why I see going darker as a positive for you because it's really easy for you to get drawn in really quickly. You've already shown that by your recent behavior and all the trips you two have been planning together. Does that make sense?
I am in no way trying to judge your W. I don't think anyone is. We are concerned for your situation because you really have so much hope to turn this around.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Hold. I was never thinking about dating. I think I said I could date, but it would be out of spite only. If I didn't say that, that is what I was thinking.
My goal is to slow down.
Regarding the sleep over, it was rated G. Nothing happened nor did I try to make anything happen.
My W is confused right now. Space and time is what she needs. But the definition of space is key. She wants space from any sort of relationship.
W's friend called me earlier and told me a few things. W says she is having a lot of fun doing things with me. I don't put any pressure on her. It is relaxing. I am respectful of her wishes.
OM isn't talking to her. W is feeling the effects with lower self-esteem. Why am I being rejected... Friend asked W if she was going to call OM. W said no, couldn't say if she would never talk to him again, but right now no. She doesn't want to play games and how I am a straight-shooter. Someone stable she can rely on. Friend says what I am doing is working. Just continue to give her space and don't pressure her when we hang out. She isn't thinking about any R with anyone. She just wants to be for a while.
I told her friend that I was considering doing the same thing and stop talking to the W. Friend quickly said that would be bad right now. She said if things were different, then yes, doing that would get her attention. Do it when things are bad.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
I was more commenting on the dynamics of going dark. I never thought my W to be someone with low self-esteem. To see how going dark affects her is interesting. The feeling of rejection, etc.
I am definitely not giving her a shoulder to cry on regarding OM. She quit/fired from her job. I haven't once offered to assist her and she hasn't asked me to help her. I fail to see how I am rescuing her.
"What happens when she lays her eyes on the next OM?
What is your goal here?
The goal is to rebuild the foundation so it doesn't happen again. I am slowly (but surely), stopping myself from being the rescuer. With the job situation, I am just validating her. I am not getting involved, just listening.
I really want to get this point across: I am not assisting my W financially. She pays her own bills and has her own account.
The state wants her to do an interview regarding child support from me where they will determine how much I need to pay. She hasn't asked me for a penny on this matter either. She gets almost $700/month for food which she allows me to use to buy food for the Ds. If anything, she is giving me money every month.
She has a per-existing condition that is expensive so she needs insurance. There was a time she needed medication and without insurance it was very expensive. She never asked me to help her pay for it. Medicaid kicked in and paid for it later, but she was able to get by with samples from her doctor until the insurance kicked in. Legally as her H, I can't withhold insurance from her without her consent. I would have paid for the meds if she asked, but she never did.
She might have done wrong with the OM, but in regards to finances she is determined to do it on her own.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
The woman who you keep up on that pedestal needs to be removed.
It will be better for the both of you.
As it will help you realize that you place her here right now as a defense mechanism for your ID. The power of self can do this. But you need to realize that some times crap happens because people just make poor choices due to weak boundaries and poor moral choices.
This allows you to look at everything more realistically.
Allows you to detach and rebuild your self esteem.
You will not go dark with children unless you have a go between. It is unrealistic.
I would only go dark if she intensifies with OM or OM2 steps in the picture.
Just stay dim. GAL. And take your time to respond.
And no kissing or hand holding or hugging.
Save that for your wife.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
