No More LRT, but slow progress

[LostIn407]

Update:

Went out for dinner, had a great time. Lots of talking and laughing. Hit a couple of places after dinner and at the end of the night she said she was too tired to drive home and was going to sleep at my place. Shared the bed, but nothing physical. She stayed in bed to sleep longer after I took the Ds to daycare and went to work.

Points of Interest:
I leaned in to give her a quick kiss. She said she doesn't kiss people she doesn't live with. I laughed and said whatever. She then asked me if I spoke to him. I was confused on this and said who? She said you know who (OM). I told her no, I have no reason to talk/email/text him. She said she hasn't talked to him in a week or his mother as she isn't returning her calls. I told her it was a game. She asked what that meant. I told her he wasn't going to call her so she would miss him and call him. She denied that. I told her it is all a game. We want what we can't have. He wants to go dark on her, I am going to F that up for him.

She made the comment in the morning she didn't want to confuse the Ds. (Believe none of what they say and half of what they do?)

She never asked me for any help financially.


Going to work on no dates with her for a few weeks. I am transitioning to the new position so my pay schedule will be off for a couple of weeks. Going to have to stretch my finances during this time but there is a windfall at the end. So not taking her out won't be hard.

W is hesitant with me at times. I am trying to stay out of the friend zone by trying to hold her hand and kiss her (rated G kiss). Sometimes she will hold my hand for a long time. Sometimes she pulls away. Sometimes she will kiss me when I pull in, sometimes she turns away. It feels like she is holding back. I don't know if the dam is about to burst or that is how it is for her now.

Gotta get back on my GAL track. We have a trip planned for an out of town concert in a month. My goal is to scale back activities with her until this trip.

[HollyAnn]

Sigh....
This is why you should have canceled dinner.

[HollyAnn]

Update:

Went out for dinner, had a great time. Lots of talking and laughing. Hit a couple of places after dinner and at the end of the night she said she was too tired to drive home and was going to sleep at my place. Shared the bed, but nothing physical. She stayed in bed to sleep longer after I took the Ds to daycare and went to work.

Points of Interest:
I leaned in to give her a quick kiss. She said she doesn't kiss people she doesn't live with. I laughed and said whatever. She then asked me if I spoke to him. I was confused on this and said who? She said you know who (OM). I told her no, I have no reason to talk/email/text him. She said she hasn't talked to him in a week or his mother as she isn't returning her calls. I told her it was a game. She asked what that meant. I told her he wasn't going to call her so she would miss him and call him. She denied that. I told her it is all a game. We want what we can't have. He wants to go dark on her, I am going to F that up for him.

She made the comment in the morning she didn't want to confuse the Ds. (Believe none of what they say and half of what they do?)

She never asked me for any help financially.


Going to work on no dates with her for a few weeks. I am transitioning to the new position so my pay schedule will be off for a couple of weeks. Going to have to stretch my finances during this time but there is a windfall at the end. So not taking her out won't be hard.

W is hesitant with me at times. I am trying to stay out of the friend zone by trying to hold her hand and kiss her (rated G kiss). Sometimes she will hold my hand for a long time. Sometimes she pulls away. Sometimes she will kiss me when I pull in, sometimes she turns away. It feels like she is holding back. I don't know if the dam is about to burst or that is how it is for her now.

Gotta get back on my GAL track. We have a trip planned for an out of town concert in a month. My goal is to scale back activities with her until this trip.

You should have been passively listening, not yukking it up with her.
You should not have let her stay over with you.
Not tried to kiss her, hold her hand, nothing physical at all.
Not engaged or given any advice re: OM AT ALL! Why would you show your hand like that?
As for "confusing the kids"..you guys are already doing that bt playing "fake family" right now.
Seriously, you should have canceled dinner.

[jks]

Man, I feel like you just went days and days with getting the best advice on these boards and you went against everything that some very wise people have advised you to do.

I agree. You should have cancelled dinner. No question. You are emotionally too involved. Do you get that the "going dark" thing is just as much for you as it is for her? It allows you to see more clearly what is really happening here.

Didn't I mention before that she sees this as a game and you said, no, she doesn't. BUT NOW YOU'RE TELLING HER THIS IS ALL A GAME?? I guess you need to go through this in order to learn but I don't see this working out in your favor if you continue this way.

[vera be fierce]

My mistake in this is that I didn't wait long enough before doing things with the W. I thought it was over with OM, so I jumped. My mistake. I was hearing too many things from friends, in-laws, W, etc that the honeymoon was over with OM. I was doing fine and enjoying life for me. I should have waited longer.

Now I am trying to find a way to back out of this before I do more damage.

??????

[Broken74]

Hey Lost,

You're in a tough situation man, in that your W is willing to do stuff with you despite what is going on with OM. I know it is hard to turn the other way but as many of the vets are saying that seems to be your likely best way forward at this point. I see you are a couple of months into this. I will share with you that I have been in my sitch for 10 months and found this site 6 months ago. Although I have read the books and listened and understand the DB principles, I haven't applied them effectively and as such have more of less spun my wheels for 6 months. Don't make the same mistake, follow the 37 rules and give her space to miss you and be a man only a fool would leave. The boats we are in are somewhat similar. Good luck and keep your chin up!

[LostIn407]

My mistake was that my GAL and not being available was working. However, I jumped back too soon and should have kept up with the GAL and not being available.


I apologize if how my W acts and the person she is does not match the script perfectly. If this was a computer program to write where things always acted a specific way, it would be easy.

While I do sincerely appreciate the time and effort people are putting into helping me, some of the advice I am seeing is not me. It is actually quite a-hole like. I have not played games in a relationship since I was a sophomore in college. Cancelling a dinner on short notice is a rude thing to do.

My relationships have always been based on communication. My W and I stopped communicating and this happened. What she did does not fit anything she has ever done. She has apologized and admitted it was a mistake. Now she has to lose the emotional attachment that was built when we lost contact.

What information do you want from me? Do you want to hear my W and I haven't ML since November 2011? My W is not the type to ML to two people at the same time. She doesn't get physical with two people at once. Things we have discussed.

So excuse me if I am seeing progress in our interactions compared to Jan 2011, June 2011, Nov 2011, March 2011, May 2011, etc. I am the one in the trenches seeing it. I am the one that knows my W and knows her cues. How did the OM get in? I stopped looking.

My W isn't this evil person trying to be with two people at once. It has always been my decision to do things with my W during this. She isn't playing a game with me.

If my W was filing for D or filing Protection Orders against me or keeping my Ds from me, then yes, some of this is great advice. If my W wanted nothing to do with me, then yes, going dark completely would be a great thing to do. My situation is not yours. Every situation is not the exact same, but have similar areas.

My W is looking to see if a M with me is going to be more of the same or the M we envisioned having years ago. My goal is to show her that a M to me is going to be a good thing. To accomplish that, takes actions, not the same words I gave her over the past 5 years on how we were going to do this and that.

Yes, I am a better person post bomb than I have been in over 5 years. I am happier, healthier. I enjoy my life on the days I am with the W and I enjoy my life the days I am not.

This isn't a cattle-call where I try to be the best me from a distance and hope she picks me. This is about being there and showing results. My W wants to pick me but wants to make certain things will be different.


If this turns some of you away, then thank you for taking time to help me. I sincerely appreciate the advice and I am sorry that you will no longer choose to help me when I have questions. I will continue to give advice to others when I think I can help in a non-judgmental way.

I have gotten some really great advice here that I have chosen to follow and it has worked great and has improved my situation.

[HollyAnn]

These are the facts in your sitch:

W is playing you, big time.
You have not detached. You MUST do this immediately.
You are still meeting her emotional needs. Stop it. Now.
No physical contact. At all.
No staying overnight.
No $$$ from you. This takes away from your real fam (you & kids)
Stop talking to her except relating to kids at the exchange
Cancel concert
NO MORE DATES, DINNERS, ETC. NOTHING!
Deny her your company
In fact, I would suggest going pitch black, except for kid exchange.
During those times, do not initiate any convos at all.
Give brief, one-word answers to any of her attempts to engage you.
Do not defend or explain anything at all to W.
Stop tipping your hand.
GAL and socialize with anyone other than W.

You are not taking this seriously and you really need to. You are early in this mess and are making it far worse each time you come in contact with W. That is because you, for some reason, refuse to detach.
Plus, you seem to think there is a magic bullet, or something. There isn't. This takes a lot of time. A LOT more than just one month.

Cancel the concert.

[Broken74]

Very well said Lost,

You are right in that this is not a computer program and taking the cookie cutter approach is not always effective. Given what you just posted it sounds like what you are doing is working, which is the ultimate goal in my eyes. I don't post advice much because I haven't been successful myself. My heart goes out to you though because I know the pain of OP in the marriage. Only you know if you W is drawing closer to you or not, if that is what's happening and it were me I would also be inclined to keep doing what works.

Thanks for your post to my thread the other day it was very insightful and helpful. Have a good weekend!

[chatterbug]

My mistake was that my GAL and not being available was working. However, I jumped back too soon and should have kept up with the GAL and not being available.


I apologize if how my W acts and the person she is does not match the script perfectly. If this was a computer program to write where things always acted a specific way, it would be easy.

While I do sincerely appreciate the time and effort people are putting into helping me, some of the advice I am seeing is not me. It is actually quite a-hole like. I have not played games in a relationship since I was a sophomore in college. Cancelling a dinner on short notice is a rude thing to do.

My relationships have always been based on communication. My W and I stopped communicating and this happened. What she did does not fit anything she has ever done. She has apologized and admitted it was a mistake. Now she has to lose the emotional attachment that was built when we lost contact.

What information do you want from me? Do you want to hear my W and I haven't ML since November 2011? My W is not the type to ML to two people at the same time. She doesn't get physical with two people at once. Things we have discussed.

So excuse me if I am seeing progress in our interactions compared to Jan 2011, June 2011, Nov 2011, March 2011, May 2011, etc. I am the one in the trenches seeing it. I am the one that knows my W and knows her cues. How did the OM get in? I stopped looking.

My W isn't this evil person trying to be with two people at once. It has always been my decision to do things with my W during this. She isn't playing a game with me.

If my W was filing for D or filing Protection Orders against me or keeping my Ds from me, then yes, some of this is great advice. If my W wanted nothing to do with me, then yes, going dark completely would be a great thing to do. My situation is not yours. Every situation is not the exact same, but have similar areas.

My W is looking to see if a M with me is going to be more of the same or the M we envisioned having years ago. My goal is to show her that a M to me is going to be a good thing. To accomplish that, takes actions, not the same words I gave her over the past 5 years on how we were going to do this and that.

Yes, I am a better person post bomb than I have been in over 5 years. I am happier, healthier. I enjoy my life on the days I am with the W and I enjoy my life the days I am not.

This isn't a cattle-call where I try to be the best me from a distance and hope she picks me. This is about being there and showing results. My W wants to pick me but wants to make certain things will be different.


If this turns some of you away, then thank you for taking time to help me. I sincerely appreciate the advice and I am sorry that you will no longer choose to help me when I have questions. I will continue to give advice to others when I think I can help in a non-judgmental way.

I have gotten some really great advice here that I have chosen to follow and it has worked great and has improved my situation.

Why do you think she will do the work ? When you do not understand boundaries.

What she is doing is keeping you in play. She figured out a little niceness. A kiss here a hand held there is all that is needed.

You know the primary goal here is to do the following.

1. Break the Affair.
2. Improve yourself.
3. Start a new relationship where you both work at it.

You are heading down a path where either you live in limbo for years or get back together with her in control and history repeats and she bids her time for a clean financial backing break from you.



Cancelling dinner on short notice is not being an A

Stringing you and your family along like this is being an A


I am sorry you do not see this.

But 2x4's can be harsh at times. Were looking at the forest not the individual tree.

"It doesn't matter if you call it a stream, creek, or river. You are still going to get wet if you fall in." I overheard one kid said to another on my walk today.