Kevd111

[Kevd111]

Total Newbie here looking for a bit of help and support. Can't seem to get my signature to work, so the basics: I'm 44 wife is 47 and we've been married 11 years (my first her second marriage). There is my stepson (22) from her first marriage and together we have a daughter (10) and son (8).

I am dealing with a WAW situation, and it centers on the fun and attention aspect that she tells me has been missing for some time. I am ashamed to say, but for the most part she is right. With opportunities to take her places, do things with her, or even just spend extra time around her, I put myself into work and into the kids (which may not sound horrible, but it made my wife seem like a lower priority).

Wife started working for a man who is 47 and single and generally fun-loving. They have been having an emotional affair since about March I can figure, though I do NOT think it has evolved into a PA. The affair has hurt, and prior to all of this whole ordeal I have had some health problems for me along with being diagnosed as clinically depressed.

She D-Bombed me on 6/26/12 saying that the fun is not there and that the 'spark' has faded too much. I asked if it was really too late, and she said she thought so. Still, she has agreed to stay and try, and even before the D-bomb we had our first MC session trying to work out the whole EA side of things. Now the dynamic has changed but the MC will continue.

Since D-Day, thanks to reading up on this site, I've been good about being happy, upbeat, and non-pressuring. I realize I need to have patience, but it is hard to not have any reaction from her. And trying to keep up the happy veneer is so difficult when underneath my mind has to deal with the possible loss of family, still being hurt by the EA, and the depression I'm still coping with (but managing).

I am at such a loss. I hope someone can help.

[dbmod]

Hi Kev -


Welcome to Divorcebusting.com -- officially. Your signature doesn't work because as a brand new member, you are fully moderated. We aim to approve newbie's posts within 24-48 hrs, but summertime adds variability. I greatly apologize and hope this hasn't caused you distress.

You have great positives that you've reported "I've been good about being happy, upbeat, and non-pressuring. " That is MAJOR...don't underestimate it.


We are here to support you. If you have Divorce Remedy, read everything about The Last Report Technique(LRT). You can also search it on this site.

[Kevd111]

Thanks for the welcome. I do wish that I could post quicker but understand the rules regarding moderation and the like.

Still trying to stay positive, but my wife keeps saying she's confused and does not know whether she wants to move forward and work on the marriage (with the MC) or to just move on. The limbo is what is killing me, and in the past week I've found myself on the verge of backsliding and even have had a few moments of weakness in front of her.

Problem is, without working toward a solution and remaining in this purgatory of sorts, I've felt my defenses rise and my heart start to harden. It can't be long before I will just have to tell her to help me work on this marriage or it will be ME who finds that he has to walk away.

Hope some vets can help. I posted a longer explanation in a new-titled thread but I assume that is in moderation still as well. Either way, I could use the support, advice, and maybe even a kick in the butt.

Thanks again.

[Brit45]

Your sitch sounds a lot like mine did when I walked away. The thing that made me "turn around" was thinking that perhaps I didn't know everything about H. He took up new hobbies, was interested in life, and became "happy" again. I had decided he was never going to change and he did. Also he stopped looking to me for reassurance and validation and generally stopped being my H. Being nice doesn't get the girl back sadly! It was this emotional shift that he'd detached from me and his actions that made me go hang on!!!!

Depression is a horrible thing I really feel for you. I would say taking care of yourself and working on getting emotionally sound should be your first step. Also do some reading on self esteem because all of ours goes down the tubes at this time. Even though it doesn't seem like its work for your M it is...changes you make in you won't go unnoticed. Keep posting and people will come to your thread!

[Kevd111]

Thanks for the post, Brit.

While trying to still be upbeat and happy around her, I do think I have allowed myself to let her know that I'm always there. That reassurance perhaps acts like a safety net to her - and while she explores other venues she always knows that her husband would take her back if things did not work out. The backsliding I did I am sure did not help either.

My W keeps telling me that she's just not sure whether she wants to end things or to go on trying. She says she is waiting for some feeling to help her to move in some direction, and meanwhile I live in limbo waiting for her to figure things out.

Our therapist warned her that there is no "butterflies in the stomach" sort of reaction that she's going to get with someone she's been with for 12 years - married 11. It will be different, and she needs to watch for that rather than some romantic ideal.

As the limbo continues I have begun to look more outward. She continues what is essentially an emotional affair with the man she works with - from whom she gets attention and claims they have fun conversations as friends. I don't seem to have any outlet for the things that I'M missing, so in my bitterness I wonder when I get to have my EA. It's not a healthy way of thinking, but without feeling desired or getting outward expressions of love for a long time it feels pretty bad. I can find hobbies until the cows come home, but they won't replace that.

When I presented to her last night my thoughts that I feel myself fading and putting up defenses, she did say we can work on things but take them slowly. Now that's a mixed message - not sure what I want to do about the marriage but we can work on things slowly. She admits she's confused, but if she does want to work on things it would HAVE to involve the both of us together, correct? Makes it harder now to detach if that's the case.

Just all so confusing.

[Cadet]

I posted a longer explanation in a new-titled thread but I assume that is in moderation still as well.

Here is a link to that thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2260846#Post2260846

I would stick with this one as your main thread until you get to 100 posts.

This is going to be a very long hard journey.
There are no quick fixes.
Work on yourself and stop worrying about her.

You did not break her and you can not FIX her.

CONFUSION often is an indicator of MLC.

The advice for WAW or MLC is the same.

SO Let her GO, it is the only way that you may get her back.

[Kevd111]

But if she says she's willing to try to work on the marriage at some point, how can that work if I'm to disengage?

In other words, she's confused between moving to end the marriage and giving things a try. The MC explained that if there is to be an effort to help the marriage, it would involve being together and doing things together, which makes logical sense. And I think there is a chance that she might choose to work on us.

Granted, she is still in 'limbo' which is the worst. I've been trying to do my own things, but we have two smaller children so it's not as if I can constantly leave the house to go do things and force her to deal with the kids. In the home together I do try to do my own thing - go read a book, do something with the kids, do work in the yard, etc. Is that sufficient?

[JustStunned]

I would echo and amplify something Brit said in her post.

Go find your bliss. Do things you find interesting and makes you happy. Here it will also be referred to as GAL.

This doesn’t mean you are walking away from your marriage. You are walking toward your happiness, your confidence, your swagger.
Make it for you, make it real. You are changing you, for you, for your happiness.

The message you’re sending is I accept this situation, and I refuse to be dragged down by it. I do not need you to be happy. I make myself happy. I am moving forward to my new happy life without you in it.
Sending this message without rancor is the goal. That you are in MC should be enough of an indication you wish to work on continuing. Don’t belabor this or pursue.

If you have not already done so find the sticky about the 37 rules and digest them.

[Kevd111]

I've read a lot through the forum, and I appreciate all that you are telling me. I've read the rules and understand the idea of detaching and getting my own life.

I thought that since she had made mention of trying to work together to rebuild (slowly) I would try to nurture that by being available and ready to express affection. However, as I'm sure many of you would have predicted, she still feels the need to leave.

Her latest comments are that she hasn't had a chance to live and that she feels like she's missed out so much on life. Does this sound more like a MLC vs. WAW deal or do they actually have some overlapping aspects? I know the way to treat them is the same. What hurt the most is when I asked if her 'living life' meant exploring things with other men, and she said yes. Makes me feel broken - as if I'm not good enough any more and that can really hurt. I've given my life to her and she is ready to throw it away, devastate our two children (10,8), and seek out some life she felt was denied. Currently she blames me for keeping her down, and that [censored]. Before that it was the house we had so we ended up moving to a nice new one since she felt she'd be happy there. All in all, I think it is SHE who has caused her own unhappiness, but we'll see if MC can help bring that about. They have already told me that they want to see her alone for a while next session.

I guess my theme is that the prescribed methods here are easier said than done sometimes. I have been running and I'm at the lowest weight I've been since college. I've started writing again, and have rediscovered my joy of reading. I'm taking the kids places like on hikes and out to play tennis. That's all great and I feel great about my self improvement. However, we all live in the same home, and at times I feel such a crushing sadness I have to let loose. I usually am able to escape somewhere by myself, but at times she catches me. She tries to console me, and the irony of her trying to console me when she is the source of my pain is not lost on me. I do wish I had a shoulder to cry on, and it [censored] that I cannot go to my wife of 11 years for comfort.

Any thoughts on how to handle weaker moments while all living in the same home. Recall I just can't up and leave for great lengths of time with two kids that need supervision.

[Cadet]

Does this sound more like a MLC vs. WAW deal or do they actually have some overlapping aspects?

Yes they are quite similar.
It does not really matter what she is.
You do the same thing.

I do wish I had a shoulder to cry on

You have this place to come cry and vent and we will listen.
I promise that.

Sounds like getting out with the children is a great idea.
Continue to do that, be the best DAD that you can be.
She can not take that away no matter what.
It is in your control.

No matter what this is a very long hard road and right now she is giving you script.

She trys to comfort you because she feels guilty and she is trying to relieve her guilt.

Stay detached, stay on your path.
Do not get pulled into her, it does not end that fast.
I am sure of that.

Keep posting and you will be off of moderation soon.