from the WAS to being walked away on

[~ kd ~]

were you a was? Have been reading some of your posts and was suprised to see that you are afraid to work on your marriage.

Hi Jamie, just saw this.

I will sometimes refer to myself as a WAS or WAS in the making.

If we go by the DB definition, that a WAS is a spouse who is disenchanted with their M and is planning their escape route, then no.

I DID find that I was seriously disenchanted with my M about 5 years ago. I had given up and had enough with being (what I'm currently calling) my W's "beck and call boy". I had given up competing with the phone for my W's attention. I had given up on the idea that my W and I would ever spend time alone, together. And I fully immersed myself in my work as a way to escape my disappointment, under the guise and rationalization that I was trying to financially provide for the household (a complaint of my W's). I was also tired of being "volunteered" for stuff that I would not have normally volunteered for and I also was tired of being chastised for anything that I did as being "not good enough".

One of the most recent and last accusations by my W was that I had never really engaged in the M and had been (not her words, but paraphrased) a WAS as early as a year into our M. Which she then suggested was when and the reason why, she began to loose interest in me and the M and began to live her own life.

I ended up leaving my W and home (and kids ) after six months of being blatantly excluded from "family outings" (ie. where my W would take the kids to a bonfire party or some such and when I found out and mentioned I would join them as soon as I could, my W would tell me that if I was going, she would NOT be going).

When I found DB, I FELT like the LBS. I'm pretty sure I'm the LBS. And in some ways, we are all WAS in certain respects, which was our own contributions to the break down of our Ms.

My fear to work on the M? Really is based on my own belief that my W is not someone I actually want to be M to. I certainly thought I did want to be M to her at one time. And I also certainly remember some great times we had together. Yet I feel that there were many things about my W that I "overlooked" which I feel I no longer can. And I really could not be M to her unless she changed.

I certainly know / believe that by changing ourselves, we can change our sitch and often our spouses change because it would be near impossible to keep doing their same behaviours in the different sitch.

I just don't know if my W could change. Or would change. Or maybe... she really is the person she wants to be and there is someone "out there" who will fit perfectly with her personality. It's just not me.

If my W does not change, I fear that I will again revert to co-dependent behaviours which I will not risk. Like putting a bottle in front of a recovering alcoholic... I don't know if I'm strong enough to resist...

In a world of "lesser of two evils"... this (separated / divorced) is the better of the two, for me, for my W, for my kids...

I want to be very clear, that I am really afraid of the co-D stuff. This is NOT about my W, rather about me reverting. I thought I could resist, I knew that about myself. I had been through "counselling" to work through this stuff. I felt very capable and was certainly willing to overlook my W's negative stuff and appreciate her positive stuff.

I'm rationalizing...

Because I fear the work necessary...

I am not an example of success if success is measured by a saved M... but I know DB... and I encourage everyone to do their best to work on themselves and stand for their M and work towards reconciliation... unless there's abuse... because I believe in M...

Maybe as I keep working on myself... I will feel safe enough in a R and possibly a M... I'm sure I will be more cautious... at least that's how I feel, right now...

DB works. I am convinced of that and believe there's many examples of restored M's who have used DB...

Don't give up or give into your fears, just yet... you probably have no idea how strong and persistent and resilient you can be. I've lasted the better part of 1.5 years standing and DBing...

I believe that DBing can help you have the M that you want with your H. And if not... because not all Ms can or should be saved... at least you have an opportunity to grow through this experience and become an even better person that you already are, ready for a new R that may come along one day.

[~ kd ~]

If you do want your M back. If you are willing to get past your fears.

Then the next time your H puts out the feelers about "getting the family back", you may ask him what he is prepared to do about it. Ask him if he is prepared to go to counselling. Ask him if he needs more time.

And if he says he will go to counselling, ask him to find a pro-M counsellor.

But...

He WILL have to ditch the OW, eventually, if the M is to be saved. You may have to remind him of that.

And then...

keep on moving forward with your life and see if he takes this next step to the plate...

[bustingout]

Wow KD, ( sorry jc, don't mean to hijack) what a raw and heartfelt post. Does your W know all of this? A sorry I don't know the history of your sitch. it just seems that you had so much pain and hurt, and the way I interpreted what you wrote almost sounds as if there are things you have not told her about?

Sorry again jc- kd's post just hit me hard.

[~ kd ~]

Does my W know? IDK.

The reality is, that is in the past. I have learned and I hope I have made the changes in myself that will help me to not follow that path, again.

I am sure my W has a different perspective and her's is no less valid than mine.

Right now, I do not have the choice to R. IOW, my W is not talking to me about a future together. Unless that happens, it's not a choice for me.

It is what it is, for me. For those who have that choice, what appears to be the case for Jamie, then why choose out if there's a possibility to choose R?

[labug]

kd, it's nice to see the more vulnerable side of you. Makes you seem...more real.

[labug]

I've been seeing it in your posts to zig, too.

[sayitaintso]

Appreciate your post KD

[strongerthanever]

KD,

Deep introspection. I understand what you mean when you say you arent sure your W is someone you want to be married to anymore. Are you two still living together? It sounds like you are emotionaly done, yet still going through the motions. Shoving your emotions in your back pocket for the sake of keeping the fam together can't feel good and definatly screams of co-d behavior.

I am dealing with that myself. I dealt with an unbearable amount of pain in order to maintain my "family". I was unable to say no to unhealthy situations b/c of the guilt of breaking up my family and fear of being without him. Heck, I even let H and his then OW/OW daughter live in the basement of OUR home. So unhealthy. Not anymore though. I know it's ok to demand more, because I am worth more.

Such a battle, the fight to save something you so believe in -vs-pursuing your personal happiness.

OW is no longer in the picture, as I had suspected 2 weeks ago. Your suggestion is genuis. I know it's only a matter of time 'til he starts the "I would love for my family to still be together" texts. I will reply with "what are you willing to do for that to happen?". I don't think he realises that THIS is the moment to rise to the occasion. This is the moment where you stand and fight for your family-because my girls and I are worth fighting for.

No further communication since yesterday. This is how it ended...

H-everytime I see you I just want to hold you so tight

me-I have to be honest though, those times were hard for me. I would get my hopes up after days like that and then....you would just disapear again. I felt like I lost you all over again. That's why I didn't want to meet to switch the girls. It's easier for me to let you go if i don't have to see you.

H-I can understand that

That was it, no more texting. Wondering if I made him feel guilty? It's the truth though. Um hello, if you want your family so bad then stop going away. I think he's working through his issues right now and possibly mourning the loss of the R with OW.

If it is meant to be, it will be. I stay out of his head and just keep living my life. I'm proud to say that I realy am happy I know I'm a great woman and that with or without him, I'm going to live an amazing life.

[strongerthanever]

bustingout,

It's ok! I'm not offended, if something helps, go for it! We are one big db family after all.

[strongerthanever]

Hmmm I'm considering something brave. I was the orig. WAS and I know H still feels the sting. He has opened up to me twice now about wanting our family back together. I keep waiting for him to make the bold step, but what IF he is waiting for me?

After I go home and get some sleep I'm going to send a text. Something like

"you said there wasn't anything we couldnt fix. I agree. You said you wanted for your family to still be together, I agree with that too. What steps do you think we need to make that would allow that to happen?".

And then leave it at that and wait. Thoughts?