Hey CeMar, I wanted to say that your "passion" comment really rang a bell. I once told my W that I felt our relationship lacked passion. She said "I have passion. If something or someone was threatening our marriage, I would passionately defend it." Uhhh, I think she missed the point.
I once did a search on the internet for "Great Marriage Tips". Many of the websites that came up more or less all said the same thing. In great marriages SEX is almost never and issue. They have GREAT, FREQUENT sex. Great marriages have spouses that have learned to keep the passion alive. There are three parts to love in marriage, they are Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment. PASSION MEANS INTENSE SEX BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE THAT MUTUALLY WANT THE SEX TO HAPPEN. I think that LD/ND spouses have no driving force in them to find passion. To them, intimacy and commitment are enough. What drive HD spouses is PASSION. Passion is what makes our lives fulfilled, and can only be achieved by SOMEONE else making it happen. This is why it is almost impossible for HD spouses to make themselves completely happy, as we by ourselves can not make passion happen. IT TAKES TWO to make passion.
What is the solution? Just about all the experts I have been reading make suggestions. They all pretty much say the same thing:
#1) The HD spouse must be willing to accept a FAR less passionate life then they really want. #2) The LD spouse MUST regain some of their passion.
If these things don't happen, then the choice is up to the HD spouse. They must either be willing to accept a life with little passion, or get divorced.
Can a marriage survive without passion, SURE! Can it be a good marriage, NO! The only way a passionless marriage can be any good is when BOTH spouses are LD. I have yet to read a single expert that says something different from this.
CeMar: What kinds of things have you been doing to accomplish the first suggestion on your list? Cause the second one is completely up to your wife and no amount of you venting here is going to accomplish that goal. You might reply that you have been living that goal for years but you really haven't. You are bitter and angry about it and I don't think true acceptance comes with those things. So what have you done, to accomplish your part of the happy marriage equation?
Quote: Curious, MPT, what makes your happiness completely fulfilled?
I like to be happy, so I choose to be happy. Even when grieving I can count on knowing that happiness is still at the core of who I am. Being happy turns me into the person I most enjoy being and who I feel most comfortable being. Letting external events affect this fundamental aspect of who I am is counterproductive to me being a person that I like. Showing that happiness and having other people derive some benefit from my being a happy person is what makes it most fulfilling I guess. But even if they don't benefit, I still find it fulfilling. Their benefit is icing on the cake. I guess you could say happiness is it's own reward for me. MPT
I have set the following MINIMUM goals for my marriage, sex 2-3 times a week, wife initiates sex about 1/4 the time, wife wanting to perform oral sex on me (i love to on her), lots of kissing, cuddling, handholding, non-sexual touching. If I can get her this far, she will be HALF the woman she once was. The woman I married LOVED sex, had it everyday at least once, loved to perform oral, was playful, loved lots of kissing, etc. So while my goals seem lofty, I am still compromising by only asking fo 50% of what I once got. I am not asking her for anything new, she used to love to do ALL of these things before kids came into the picture.
As far as compromising with what I currently get, I can't because I am not getting any to speak of. I have had sex 4 times in the last 3 months, have not kissed her in 3 months, never hold hands, never cuddle. ALL TOUCHING im my relationship ORIGINATES with me! I want HER to originate a LOT of touching.
I guess it does not look good for this marriage since what I want for intimacy and sex, while it is not unrealistic for many couples, for my wife this will probably be impossible. SHe has to improve a lot to even come close to my goals. I am willing to adjust these down, but where she is at right now is WAY WAY WAY to low!
let's just start with a simple goal, I want to kiss my wife multiple times a day, EVERYDAY. I want FRENCH kissing when in intimate moments. SEEMS very basic to me, without kissing, a marriage stands NO CHANCE AT ALL. So if she can not kiss me, I will have to divorce her in the long run. If you can not kiss your spouse, WHY EVEN BE MARRIED for crying out loud!
So I guess the answer to your original question is that I have already set my goals about as low as they can be and still stay married to her. She is about a million miles from these goals right now. But I have not given up yet, I hope that I can become more the man she wants and lets see if that sparks a little more interest in her. I owe her at least that much.
