The cops came to my door on Tuesday night. My heart almost burst through my chest, and the first thing I thought was that H committed suicide or was in a horrible car wreck. Fortunately it was *only* a major theft from a nearby house, but what a weird experience. I guess that means I still really do love and care for him. I wonder where his head would go if it were him answering the door.
So tomorrow is supposed to be fishing with H day. So far I've heard nothing from him about where to meet, what time, where we're going, how long. I know from his planning efforts with buddies that he's all over getting that information out. Don't know why he's holding off with me, but it makes me feel like he doesn't actually want to do this, despite it being his idea that he thought I wouldn't be open to. Maybe he hoped I wouldn't be open to it when he repeated it three times in three separate conversations. Or change of heart maybe? Either way, TELL ME.
I am feeling a little bit...manipulated, to be perfectly honest. It's almost like he put forward proposed this just to grease the wheels of him using the boat until it's sold.
But now that has apparently changed, so maybe he no longer feels the need to take me fishing because it will be his boat in all ways, including the debt. Not that I can mind read or blow the dust off my crystal ball. That said, he hasn't told me that he's keeping the boat or how and when he plans to get my name off the loan, so doesn't know that I know.
I don't want to analyse the crap out of this, but it's tough. Part of me just wants to confirm other plans and/or call him and cancel...but the latter is a self-preservation and possibly control thing. He ALWAYS had his plans sorted well in advance of fishing. He'd research areas, look at maps, everything.
Fortunately I have Plan B and Plan C for tomorrow, which is Canada Day. Plan B involves meeting new people at a friend's bbq, which would be a fantastic thing. Plan C involves seeing family, which is also great.
If he stands me up or manipulates the situation in a weasely way.....well I guess I'll have a much clearer sense of things.
I'm actually feeling like a bit of a fool right now.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
gwn, Send the man a text and inquire as to whether or not the fishing date is still on. You shouldn't "assume" anything w/him. You need to either firm up the date/time/place or go on w/your plans.
As for "expecting" him to do things...no way...zero expectations. He's like a child who promises to do something and when something else comes along, forgets the promises that he/she made to mom.
I'm glad you to see you have other plans if this one falls through...
Text him and if you don't hear from him, go on w/your other plans.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, Snodderly. I took your advice and texted him.
He'll pick me up here with the boat at 5.30 because it will be hot by 1.00, and we'll go to our favourite spot.
I will try to put behind me the frustration I feel that if I hadn't contacted him I probably wouldn't have heard from him. If he really doesn't want to do this then why bother?
Was it here that I read the quote People will forget the things you did. They'll forget the things you said. But they will always remember the way you made them feel."
H's seeming dismissal of this plan elicits bad feelings from me.
Been texting H as I wrote this.
He asked to come to "your house" early to switch up a battery. No problem. Last text from him: "OK. See you tomorrow. Bring a hat." The last bit made me smile. So I sent a smiley as a reply.
My very own personal emotional roller coaster. Have I mentioned that I really don't like roller coasters?
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
I don't think he didn't want to do the trip. I think he was assuming that you would be ready to go. He may have assumed that he told you the time. He also may assume that you had not planned to do anything else that day. Keep in mind, they expect us to be right where they left us when they make contact. They do tend to forget to do things and that's why we can't assume w/them.
You are still "expecting" him to be the way he was pre-mcl. You have to learn to accept him for who he is now. He's the mirror image of the man you loved.
Mlc is the hardest rollercoater to ride, but once you step back, detach a bit more and come to realize that it's all about him, you'll be okay. Keep your expectations at zero...you are dealing w/a man/child who isn't thinking clearly.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know. I guess I deal with him so rarely that I lose the detachment groove when he actually factors into anything.
I am expecting that he is the same, which is silly. And at the end of the day if I feel that I am an after-thought or am being disrespected, I have to decide whether I accept those as reasonable terms in standing for my marriage.
He does know where I'm at, after all, and has chosen to be elsewhere.
I really believe that if I hadn't contacted him he would not have contacted me. My sense is it went from him saying "I'd take you fishing if I thought you would go" to him feeling that I'm the one who wants to go so I have to make all the effort. He's the "good guy" as long as I don't want to go; after that it's something else entirely.
My other sense is that this is a sign of him not going along obliviously happy and continuing to stuff everything, as he had for as long as we were together, and is a good thing in the big picture. Perhaps it means that he is processing. Perhaps a reflection of his confusion.
Or maybe it's a proximity thing at its core. Like part of him has the heebie jeebies about it and about putting any effort in. He's afraid of what it will be or feel like.
On the other hand, part of me thinks he's crawled way far deep into a hole. Not the MLC tunnel that's wrought with zany antics, but a self-preservation hole akin to when he said he wanted to live on a boat in the middle of a lake and not have a care in the world.
But I could also be and likely am 100% wrong. Especially since I haven't clapped eyes on him in a month. I'm theorizing about a stranger, quite frankly. And my theories really aren't worth a hill of beans. I do it because I have an innate need to understand. Story of my life. Things have to make sense.
I will still treat him and myself with respect, consideration and love, and will vent my frustration and process my theories here.
And tomorrow I will fish and it will be fun and I will get a pike to throw in my smoker. I can control most of that...now if only the pike will cooperate!
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Well that's done. We had a really, really good day. It was a lot of fun. I didn't get my pike, but H got two bass and gave me keep one for the freezer.
Our M came up a couple of times, by him. Once when he said something about having life insurance on me through his work "until we get an official divorce." This is the first time the D word has passed between us. I didn't flinch.
Another time just when he arrived here to pick me up and said something about "stupid exes" in a self-deprecating kind of way. Can't remember the context specifically but I responded with something about people make their choices and just have to roll with it.
A couple of time the affair came up and I shut the convo down with something like I don't spend my energy thinking about that. When we were off the water and heading back I told him that when I said I forgave him, I meant it, and that the whole thing is done.
So then we get to my place and he has fish to clean so he did it here rather then bringing them a 40 minute drive to the city. When he's done he goes to the basement and garage and grabs more of his belongings to take away. I guess my expression kind of changed and he asked what was wrong so I told him it's just hard that we had such a good day and then this. And I left it there and carried on normally.
He told me when he was leaving that he had a really good day and a lot of fun and that we can do it again sometime and then asked for a hug goodbye.
No talk of or hint at reconciliation. I really had the sense that there is nobody in his life right now.
It's so sucky that it has to be this way, but it is this way.
I have to send him the photos of the fish he caught 'cause one of them was HUGE. I'll thank him again for a really good day and tell him to let me know when he wants to go out again, that I'm available after July 16.
What next, is the question.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Should have noted that we spent close to 12 hours together, just the two of us. We had good conversation, caught up on a lot. Really felt like two old friends.
I almost want to say that if he ever wants to talk that I'm here to listen.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
gwn, I'm glad the day went well. After you send him the pictures, step back and allow him plenty of time to process the day and the time that you spent w/him. Thank him for the great day and leave it at that. He knows that you are there if he ever needs to talk.
What's next? Time will tell. The first step is build on friendship, if you can do it w/o expectations. Allow him to come to you...then you drop the bread crumbs for him to gobble up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I did what you suggested, saying here's the photos as promised, thanks for a wonderful day, and hopefully we can do it again sometime.
I'll sit tight and be patient, but I don't know. Seems like he's got a huge journey ahead of him and regardless of how easy today was he can't see a role for me. It's almost like he needs to completely shed his skin, if that makes sense.
I of course didn't want to raise any heavy topics today, but I wonder in the long run if it's even possible for him to open up to me. I know H on the surface but I've never seen his depths.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
