I copied and pasted a bunch of posts. This feels so much better and "right" to me. Not bc it punishes hubby with space, but bc it gives me the space to feel good about myself again. It keeps me moving forward so that D or not, I'm ready. Not sure if it would help anyone, but I will post it here...
There are thousands of post related to going dark, letting go, detaching, getting a life, moving on, etc. etc. Whatever you want to call it, it's about regaining your own sanity, healing your broken heart, stop being a doormat and becoming a likable person.
It has been said over and over that there is no bigger attraction killer than a loss of respect, yet there are still a lot of people here who for months after months are still struggling to make that seemingly simple concept a reality.
So what gives?
Every single day I read folks here pounding each other with the same rhetoric – drop the rope, let them go, take care of yourself, become attractive again, blahblahblah. Yet minutes later they are right back in the same porridge which they have been cooking themselves in for a long time.
I have no doubt that the theory makes perfect sense, it is the lack of strength to put it in practice. Why is that?
One of the problems I see is the notion that letting go, going dark and moving on from the spouse who has fired you is some kind of a tactic to win them back. That has been advocated in books and forums. But it should not be a tactic or it will not be genuine and will not produce desired results. The walkaways and waywards are not blind or stupid not to see through the fakeness of these actions.
So how do you make this "reality"ť?
You must drop the expectations that your actions are going to turn your situation around. You will never get emotionally detached if you are constantly checking what the reactions to your actions are. When I think of Stockdale Paradox, which I do very often, I see everything around me which disrupts my pursuit of happiness, as brutal facts which need to be confronted in order to prevail.
So how do you put this into practice? Your spouse fired you. You are not happy. You want her/him back. He/she does not want you because you are not longer attractive.
You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end with the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your reality.
To really understand that, is fundamental for success. To sit around and keep doing nothing or keep doing what does not work, will get you nowhere. The only person you can change and improve is yourself. Have faith in yourself to become the strong attractive person who your spouse once fell in love with. Don't do it to impress him/her, do it for yourself and your future. Remember that they don't want you anymore, so drop that for a reason.
Obsessing about the past and trying to figure out what your spouse is feeling or thinking is counterproductive. There is also nothing you can do to change history. You can however change the way you think about your emotions. Value yourself. You were fired because you had lost respect. No respect, no attraction.
Get out and explore the world. Listen to what people say about themselves and others around you. What is it that they like and adore in another person? Pay attention to that. Examine how attractive people interact. Look at their mannerism, body language, listen to how they talk and the words they use. Also learn from the people who are disliked and understand why they are.
Practice and be amazed how it works.
Suddenly you are no longer obsessed by the brutal reality of your situation. You find revelation and peace. You are completely comfortable with yourself to achieve happiness you deserve. Where is that wayward spouse again? Oh, I have forgotten. Look, there,…as miserable as before.
You confronted your brutal facts, you have not confused faith with discipline and you have prevailed. You are attractive, strong and confident person. If your spouse is still lingering and around and took notice, you may have a chance for reconciliation should you choose it. If not, you are ready to move on and pursue the new successful relationship as long as you don't forget what you just have learned. It is WHEN the WAW begins to FEEL (notice the word FEEL or FEELINGS) that the BS may not only have let go, but that they MAY (notice the word may) have now lost the BS for good...
The betrayed spouse has their best chance when the wayward stops thinking "how do I get out of this" to..
"did I go too far? what have I done? maybe I have made a mistake"....
Those thoughts CAN NOT enter the WS's mind UNTIL they start to ponder that they may have lost the betrayed spouse.
As long as the WS still thinks you want them back it doesn't matter how much of GAL you do. Part of the GAL that is so important is the part where the WS WONDERS if you are emotionally finished.. finito.. done.. The only way to do that is with NO PRESSURE. NO PURSUIT. NONE.
There are numerous examples of men and women on this site that admit they have gotten a life, but still haven't shown or convinced the WS that maybe, just maybe they have lost you for good. THAT is the key of GAL that opens the door to reconcile. (which is the biggest key the BS doesn't do.) VERY good question..
The whole idea behind this site is to SAVE a marriage. That is the goal. yes? no?...
My answer to your question is to say things to him NOW that he was throwing up at you before when he was wayward....
For example.. (this may not be your example, just generic)
"Husband. I am NOT really sure right now how I feel. I know you say you want to do whatever I say, but I now realize that I just don't want to be with a man who is unfaithful. I WILL NOT be with a man who doesn't give back. I need some time and space right now. Anyway I have a call on the other line and I don't have time to talk right now. I have to go."
Do you see there that you did NOT put any pressure or conditions on him? Do you see how you are giving him "letting go" talk? Do you see that IF he is serious that his only answer to you has to be...."I am sorry I was unfaithful and I will do anything to make it work"..???
Do you understand that by you playing a little "hard to get" that this may be the exact thing to do? Don't YOU remember when you thought HE felt that way? Do you remember what a tailspin it puts you in?
IF he loves you, then he WILL do anything you want...
Right now YOU are NOT SURE what you want. You want time. Get it? IF he loves you he isn't going anywhere. Matter of fact this usually gets a man to try HARDER...
How many times do I have to tell you women these things?
It is your LOW SELF ESTEEM that causes you to question my advice. Fake it...
Don't just play hard to get.. but.. BE HARD TO GET.. Be a prize he has to earn. MAKE him earn your love back. You don't have to be mean to him. Just be a little mysterious and let him think you really aren't sure right now. You want to think it over.. The funny thing is that I really think by your question to me that you really DO want to think this over. And yet your low self esteem is wanting to rush back in too soon. Let him earn it
Remember. He has to give up the OW and yet it has to be because he WANTS to not because you forced him. The only way to do that is to let him think that he has gone too FAR. That he has maybe blown it. Are you a second choice type woman? Don't be. Let him feel that he can HAVE the OW.. BUT.. he can't have you too.. It is easier for THEM to think they can have this duality while they are confused. But as long as it exists they do not experience the loss of the M. They think it's still there...waiting. They won't go through the stages the LBS has to go through until they FEEL IT HARD. Like the day you got the bomb dropped on you. When the WS says they want to be just friends, your answer is to say "oh yes we can be friends, maybe we make better friends than we do lovers."
THAT is what you say to them.. You tell them as if you are perfectly happy being friends. No big deal.
NOW.. What your ACTIONS do after you say that is somewhat different... You do NO contacting except for business that HAS to be done. You do NO pursuing. You do NOT hang on the phone. When they contact you, be cordial, but a tad distant. Not mean. You always want to act like you are very very busy and when they call, you are "right in the middle of something" and can't talk. Get down to the reason they call and then YOU end the call first. Politely. "Talk to you later"
You do NOT tell a WS that "I can't be your friend".. Why? Because it comes across as needy and "if I can't have my way, then we won't be friends. It HURTS your chances. It isn't a strong statement even though some think it is. It IS NOT.
Let them THINK you are fine being friends, and then ACT like they are a "casual" friend that you only talk to when you run into them...
GET IT? Don't cut off your nose to spite your face..
Give her HER way.. No biggie.. "sure we can be friends"
THEN you ignore them. You let THEM come to you. That is all there is to it.. You let them THINK you are friends and then you just do you own thing. Do you contact and pursue activities with every friend you have? Of course not. Do you tell one of them "well since you didn't ask me to go golfing the other day, then I will be your golf partner but I won't be your friend"
Do you see how silly that sounds to THE OTHER PERSON?
It does NOT work to reconcile.
Your answer to her should be..
"Yea we can be friends, but I WANT to live by myself. I may meet somebody and I don't want them to think I am living with a woman.. (you tell her this toungue in cheek and then drop the subject)
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
25's advice was so right on, but felt instinctivly wrong for me. Going dark and working on me felt so much more logical, and now I know WHY. Funny what a little walk can do for ya!
This fact might not be known, or might not have been factored in, but...
Litteraly a year ago we were in the same place. After a yr of emotonial hell I was the WAW. We were in the same home living on separate floors. After a few months of this, H goes home for the 4th of July. Sees highschool sweetheart and falls "in love" the 2 weeks he is there. Less than a few weeks later OW moves to our state to be with him.
They are living out their fantasy. Meanwhile, I was db and didn't even know it. I was happy for him and kept to myself. I got my butt in school and was working on ME. I guess that made me more attractive bc we started having sex again. Little did I know he quickly (4 weeks ltr) came out of his fog and was looking at me again.
He kissed me and casualy asked me out of no where if I wanted to give things another try, and I said yes. That was it. She went back home within two weeks and we were a family again. He understood the reasons behind me becoming a WAW and he made changes. By October things were amazing.
Idk why but the old him resurfaced in December. He was treating me the same as before and I was beyond devestated. Things had gotten so bad that by Christmas Eve I was bawling telling him I couldn't take the pain/mistreatment anymore. There was no reaction. And thus I moved out a month later, which is where my story really begins.
Now I find myself in the same predicament. Would I love to see this sitch DBed? Heck yes. But I'm not going about it the same way. I don't want the same results. I know it's easy to argue that the goal is to get the OP back home, and then focus on the M. Didn't work. The SAME MAN came back to me, meaning I ended up in the SAME RELATIONSHIP. He even admitted to me 3 weeks ago that he didn't give it his all.
How refreshing that feels to step back and get some footing. Now I understand my feelings. He never felt my absence. He never truly felt the aftershock of the bomb. He never had to miss me, I was always there. He wasn't forced to speculate what he did that led to the demise. He never took a hard look at himself to see why he was so unhappy. No 180s. He never walked down the road that every other LBS walks down. And that's why he returned to his old behaviors. His changes wernt real.
The worst thing he did was break my heart. But the best thing he ever did was show me how amazing and strong I am. Obviously I want to see the M work, that's why I hang out here. But I also know that I'm gonna be ok no matter what. He's still miserable right now, lost and looking for instant gratification with OW.
Perhaps he lacks the courage to go down the LBS road. It's hard and it hurts, we all know that. He could see the LBS road, get scared and detour to marriage with OW. He will continue his same old bahavior and be unhappy. If that's what he's gonna do I'm happy to let H do it to OW and not me.
Damn I think I really did detach. I feel pretty great right now.
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
I have made changes in my work schedual and by joining church nad becomming more cative in it. My wife says because I worked alot she felt that she was doing it alone. I know I must get more involved with the children because thats what a father is suppose to do. My anger gets in the way sometime. We have little to no communication and only see each other for a brief minuet when we exchaneg the children. Just trying to work my way through this with some advice from people. I have done all the wrong thins like begging and purseuing her. I'm trying to change that behavior also.
It start several months ago, I worked alot and was never at home. Wife started with some insecurties and taght I was cheating. We began I argue a lot, something we never did. She complined about me not being there and helping her with the children. 1/12 she found some inapproiate emials to an ex that I was playing around with. Everything with south then. Two monts late we seperated. I have done all the wrong, by begging and calling and texting. Trying to find the 180 that works for me. She said she can'y thrust me anymore and is very hurt
Not sure why but OW presence is les felt, possibly even gone. H began texting me Sunday out of the blue. He was asking for advice on how to react to d2/3 and what to feed them. After being separated for 6 months? He sounded as if it were his first week with them and he needed advice.
One thing that stood out was the terms he used such as "our" daughter, not just calling her by her name. Also said things like "I'll have to remember that", "I'll go get that" and "I loved when you cooked that".
He mentioned my dramatic weight loss. I replied something along the lines of how I had been so depressed but that I was happy and in a much better place.
Checked my pride at the curb (per 25's advice) and allowed the convo to progress into sex talk. I left the door open for it to occur.
Interesting, he called me at 5:30 am the next morning asking me why I wasn't home. ?????
I work in the hospital and just this past week switched to the night time shift. H realised and began asking about d2/3's care. He isn't happy about them "bouncing around daycare providers". He doesn't like any changes that they have to go through. I hate it, but what did he expect? I just replied that this is their new normal.
He mentioned my dramatic weight loss, to which I replied something along the lines of "I know, I use to be so depressed and did not have the desire to eat. But I am at a much better place now and am really happy. My weight is starting to come back on thanks to cardio kick boxing!" (kick boxing is a huge 180)
I let him know that I did not hate him or hold a grudge. I also told him that I wished him the best and that I was so happy to finally see him happy again. He told me he was happy to see me happy again too. Part of me wonders if he thinks I'm happy that he filled for D? But I know, stay out of his head. My words were genuine though. I AM happy and I DO wish him the best. I had a good cry after that text.
I know to stay out of his head. It would seem that he doesn't like the side effects of this new life we are living. Reality will really hit home next Monday, when we have our initial status confrence with the courts. Or in the final days before the decree is signed.
If all things go as planned he will have his D in about 60 days. I'm actualy glad the timer has started, at least I know at some point this will end. He has let me know time again that he is confused. Perhaps the finality of everything will hit as inch closer to September.
When those helpless feelings take me over I remind myself that I will be ok. I make myself eat normal meals. I think for now I'm just focused on my wellbeing and being the best mommy I can be. As far as H, I keep giving him his space and act as a warm friend when he comes near.
Have any of you seen the Waldo Canyon fire in Colorado on the news? That's me! This place is so scary right now ;(
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
-I helped a secret hoarder unclutter a huge part of his house
-went with my best friend to a girls only bbq, made new friends and fell in love with a new wine!
THIS WEEK I...
-became more independant by hiring a night time sitter for my girls while I'm at work
-Have been dramaticly more optomistic/excited about life in general
-communicate more with friends
-talked LESS about sitch!!
-planned a dinner date with a friend for next week
-have forced myself to eat several meals a day
NEXT WEEK:
-plan to not talk about sitch, why let my world revolve around it?
-add zumba to my workout schedule and go to the gym every day. More to get back in shape/decompress than anything
-dinner date with friend
-get myself a new dress
-make myself go someplace new, all by myself
*I lost over 20 lbs dealing with this crazy mess. I want to be haelthy for ME and set a healthy example for my girls. I now cook full meals and make myself eat every few hours. I'm feeling my energy come back!
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
Feeling angry tonight, which makes me feel suprisingly done and stronger. I don't think I dropped the rope, I think I threw it off a cliff.
H insists on meeting anyone, ie babysitters that comes into contact with d2/3. We had origonialy agreed that he could go with me when I pick them up in the morning. I was open to it thinking it was his way of spending time with me/chance to have a positive interaction.
After honestly pulling back and letting go I saw his train of thought as unrealistic. I don't know anything about him and he has to know everything about me? Even calling me to ask why I was not home? Who the he-- does he think he is? You can't treat me like crap for 6 months and expect to be so involved in my life!
It's like he wants the space of the divorce yet all the privilages of being my best friend and partner. A enemy wouldn't treat me as bad as he has. Get out of my life! Don't use the kids as a coward excuse to see me. You have your ow, your space, your happy new life. Get out of mine and let me live my life.
I sent him a text tonight that said...
(ME) "Don't worry about meeting up with me tomorrow. It is unrealistic to think that I will go out of my way to introduce you to everyone that will come into my girls lives, because I'm not going to do it. You can choose not to use April if you want, but you need to find your own babysitter. Unless I hear other instructions from you I am taking them to April's house on Monday"
(HUBBY) "why what happened?"
2 min later...
"I will meet you Sunday then cuz I work nights next week. Is that ok?"
(ME) (Nope. We have plans. U can pick them up from April's house"
(HUBBY) "Can I meet you outside Aprils then cuz I don't work that day so they don't need to go. Is that ok?"
15 min later...
"I don't know what I did to make you upset but I am sorry"
Does he really think that he can treat me the way he has and that I will bend to his every desire? There comes a point where the LBS (him) takes it too far. He crossed that line months ago. He made me homeless and was laughing at me! Too many things to list. You beat someone with a whip long enough that they just say screw you, go torture someone else. I'm gonna be happy and I don't deserve this.
He is out of his mind to think he can say "I don't want my girls going to that church" or "I am their father, I need to meet everyone that will watch them for the next 10 years of their lives"
Pssshh!
He even told me the other day "if you really want it (sex) I can hook you up later on this week? WHAT? You mean if I suffer long enough or if I'm good long enough you'll lie to ow so you can come over and "hook me up"? Uh, no. Do you think your ---- fell off of God?
Hope you like your life bc it's yours to own now.
**Are you understanding how fed up and disgusted I am right now?
I want to tell him how much he makes me sick. How I hope he loses 20 pounds just like I did once reality slaps him in the face. How I hate the fact that he is the father of my children bc little girls always look for a man just like their daddy. He is the last type of man I would want them to be with. How he is a damn fool if he thinks we could be friends. He doesn't even deserve to hear all of this, this deep hatred I am feeling right now.
I am not going to say a thing to him. Not answer a text,not even cuss him out. Nothing. Done. So long buddy. I hate the fact that you get to see me at (divorce) court bc you don't even deserve that much of a glance.
Idiot.
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
I let go, dropped the roap, dropped the expectation...whatever you call it, that's what I did. So yes, in essence I am back to being the WAS.
I'm not worried about H. I'm focusing on my life. There was a lot of anger in that post, but it's a normal emotion so I'm not being hard on myself about it. I'm just tired of trying. My wheels were spinning, as so many people have said.
IF h were to have the great awakening I would not abandon my dream, but I'm not longer driving myself insane waiting for it. This is my life too, and I love it! I am happier now, much more confident and carefree.
I have not heard from you in a while, how are things going for you?
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
