Hi DB family. Have been reading this forum for many weeks with interest. Have some questions of my own if someone could answer I would be most appreciative. Live in Australia, married 28 years. 3 grown kids at home S25, D19, S18. Suddenly 9 months ago the Alien announced he wanted a divorce. The usual, LYBNILWY, everything my fault, wants freedom, sick of taking care of everyone else, the usual drill. Has denied OW. Then the roller coaster ride, reconcile, two months later demands divorce, reconcile two moths later and following this pattern until two months ago. This time he will not change his mind. H says I will never change and he is sick of giving me more chances. I was ordered into the spare bedroom. We are still living in the family home. He was going on an OS trip for 3 weeks and I set about seeking help and reading and learning about MLC, hoping he would have a change of heart after a holiday and a break away. He is persisting nothing will change his mind. I began seeing an IC who is helping me with my own depression issues which erupted after H's acting out. All is quiet and civil at home. Connecting quite well with him actually, no conflict. Plenty of eye contact as Jody suggested. I have been DB'ing like mad, going really well with the help of 2x amazing sessions with Jody. Read DB and Save your Marriage without Talking about It and waiting for DR in the mail. My questions...we had a great sex life previous to this. I asked H the other night (he had had many drinks) if I could be allowed a conjugal visit (trying to lighthearted). He agreed as long as no strings attached. Jody had instructed me it had to be fun, no pressure. He brought up divorce again afterwards. In response, I told him I was ready to move on (trying to 180)and he didn’t react, said he was happy about that. Should I have said this or told him I want to work things out? Should I have slept with him? I was very controlled afterwards and went straight back to my own room and continued to DB the day after. But I have been worried that I may have crossed the line too soon. Any opinions about this. I thought it better that he gets sex from me then find it elsewhere. He has always had a high sex drive. I am devastated he brought up the divorce and selling the house again after I thought we were connecting. Should I be worried? Should I ramp up the DB’ing or be consistent and do what I have been doing? I’m so upset again after pulling myself together for so many weeks. Am regretting the sex big time now.
You might want to put up a post on the MLC forum or read one of my welcome threads there and use all the links.
Have you read the DR book? Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Hi GAL - sorry you are going through this mess. I hope you will find inspiration within these pages to help you cope and find a way forward. Here are a few thoughts I have for you to consider:
Regarding regrets, they really serve no purpose if all you do is dwell on them instead of learning from them. So you had an "intimate encounter" with your H. There is nothing wrong with that. And it certainly helped you to connect physically with your H. However, if your H is currently in the divorce mindset, you'd be better off avoiding anything that resembles pursuit.
I think what you need to do is work on slowing down the march towards divorce. How do you do that? First, stop the pursuit. Second, develop AND implement meaningful 180's. These should be based upon things known as problems in your M. But only do them if you can sustain them and only if they are intended to be permanent, otherwise your H will not buy into the changes.
And, as your name implies, you need to Get A Life. Start focusing on things that bring you happiness and that help distract from the pain you are dealing with. Pick one thing you can do each day that is enjoyable and stick with it. The greater the variety, the better.
Finally set goals for yourself. After you have done this, look closely and see if those goals can be broken down into smaller, more achievable pieces. Think of the divorce as one huge elephant. The only way to eat an elephant is one small bite at a time.
I'd also encourage you to start sharing more about what you believe are the significant problems in your M. Having 3 grown children still living at home may be a good place to start. What's up with that? Also, you said that your H is tired of taking care of everyone else. What do you think this is about?
Quote:
This time he will not change his mind. H says I will never change and he is sick of giving me more chances. I was ordered into the spare bedroom.
What does it tell you that you were "ordered" into the spare bedroom? If your H wants out, why doesn't he leave? I think we need to explore this dynamic a bit to understand how best to help you.
Anyway, enough for now. Post often and others will be along to provide additional guidance.
Hang in there!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Hi Gbaby, I also had a chance to read through your thread.
I would add to Cadet's words first by acknowledging that you spoke to and followed the advice of a DB coach.
I actually have the more recent DR book and not entirely sure how it differs from the DB book.
What I did notice in your words is that after having your way with your H, he pushed your buttons and you immediately went back to an emotionally attached frame. It was not the ML that did it, rather it was the button pushing. Perhaps intentionally by your H, to ensure you did not get too close. Basically, protecting himself because he may have felt vulnerable.
As Cadet says, your H wants space. He shows that with his words and with his actions. That may not mean physical space, but rather emotional space. Anything that might be emotional for him, you would want him to bring it up and lead the convo with you basically validating.
Then, you can note it here or in a paper journal or just in the back of your mind... and then you need to let it go... do not stay attached to it...
Hope that makes sense.
Please keep posting as you need to in short, daily or twice daily entries and others will join to support you and you will soon be off moderation so your posts show as soon as you submit them.
Ok thanks guys..good advice..i'm doing pretty well actually, just needed some inspiration and support to keep going. H initiated another conversation that he wants a divorce. I'm trying to keep the conversation short and sweet and walk away if it gets too deep or heated. All I really said was that we had a lot to lose. I didn't pursue it. I did mention about the fact that I know he's in pain and very gently suggested that he might want to seek some help. He is a workaholic shiftworker who is burnt out and suffering from depression IMO. I only said what I had to, then let it go. Back to GAL and DB'ing for me. Will keep you posted.
Hello Cadet...thanks for your valuable insight. Did you mean 180 the housework? I'm doing all the right things at home in order to take some pressure of H and show some compassion (he's a volcano waiting to go off with the stress he's under currently).
Thankyou so much 2thepoint. My H is essentially burnt out. He has worked shift work for 25 years and is in a high pressure job. The grown kids in the house sitch is not likely to change, however, because I am DB'ing my H, I am also DB'ing my kids. The house is a much calmer place since. I am trying all I can to keep the dynamic at home calm..so H wants to continue to come home and I can work on our R. Getting back to GAL and 180's now.
Thanks for your inspirational words Kaffe Diem. I agree he pushed my buttons although I didn't show it to him. I know he was trying not to act vulnerable and that I got to him again. Don't forget he has tried this before and he keeps reconciling with me. He wants me to see he is serious this time. I'm going to move forward from this and keep up my good work.
