You're getting great feedback here. People are terribly resistant to change. How many people do you know who hate their jobs but just keep slugging it out because they are unwilling to do the work to find a new job?
I was reading that people will usually only do the work to look at themselves critically and to change in response to a crisis -- without a crisis there just isn't enough motivation. It's like how some people will only improve their diet and exercise after a heart attack and not before.
Because of this crisis, you now have the motivation to give yourself a self-examination and address what you find that you don't like. This can be a life-changing experience for you in a good way.
The balancing act we all face is this:
You can look at your situation as being your spouse's fault -- they wronged you, they're crazy, they're disrespectful, they're depressed, they have psychological issues, etc etc, it's all about them, what they did, what they didn't do, what they should have done. Your spouse needs to take responsibility, they need to face the consequences of their actions, that type of thinking.
Unfortunately that doesn't lead anywhere but anger and resentment -- it's paralyzing and prevents you from moving forward. It may be valid all or in part, but it doesn't go anywhere.
The other perspective is that you both let your marriage get off track, and your spouse's pain became so acute that their actions seemed the best course of action to end their suffering. In that context, you are not the victim, you are a participant in the problem.
This path opens the door for you to address your role in things -- to come out of this in a healthier place, and that's what DB is all about to me.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
The other perspective is that you both let your marriage get off track, and your spouse's pain became so acute that their actions seemed the best course of action to end their suffering. In that context, you are not the victim, you are a participant in the problem.
Brilliantly said
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
The other perspective is that you both let your marriage get off track, and your spouse's pain became so acute that their actions seemed the best course of action to end their suffering. In that context, you are not the victim, you are a participant in the problem.
Brilliantly said
I agree with that 100%. It's actually very close to what my MC said today as well. It has certainly been a crisis which has changed me massively and has really made me scrutinise the way I run my life. Jobs-wise I can't really change it in the next 6 months as I want to finish the project I started. I've set myself a time limit on that and as soon as that is done I'm going to find myself a better paid, more life friendly job. During that 6 months I will be addressing issues at work which have been irritating me massively such as how I interact with people and being more forthright in my dealings with them rather than keeping things smooth. I just wish my wife was actually here to see it in action!
She emailed today in response to me sorting out all the bills and putting them in my name and not hers. All very much sweetness and light but still making it very clear that she needs money to move into her new place at the same time. I'm not sure if I should be happy about this or not...
Ow,ow,ow, ow. All it took was one slightly friendly email in which she gave me nothing but thanks for helping her out and I'm right back in the middle of it. She didn't even call it home but just said the town name when she said she would drop something off. To say I am having detachment problems is an understatement if massive proportions! What I don't understand is that I know that I have to let go but I seem to be finding her more and more attracted to her the more independent she becomes. Today is going to be tough. I have to write a presentation for tomorrow that I know is going to be a nightmare to put together. I also have to resist the urge to tell my boss where to shove it. Last night, we were discussing a talk from the head of research from a big research company. The stuff he presented took 16 years and 50 people. I started this project a year ago (in a totally new field) and am on my own. He then told me I had to get cracking on things and walked off. I can't stand working with that man much longer. The moral in the lab is terrible because of the way he treats people but I really want to reach some sort of ending on this project. Throw in the marriage stuff and I'm almost ready to blow a gasket!
What I don't understand is that I know that I have to let go but I seem to be finding her more and more attracted to her the more independent she becomes.
We chase that which runs away from us.
Your immediate goal IMO should be detaching.
This is hard to do because it means fielding your emotions on a regular basis and they will be coming at you constantly.
I always tell people that your pain will guide you if you pay attention to it.
How many times will you put your hand in the fire before you recognize you shouldn't?
I put a rubber band around my wrist and snapped it whenever I thought about my W.
My wrist was raw and red I will tell you at first. It is not the physical pain but it makes you AWARE of what it is doing to you.
You must first get to a calmer place before you can reflect on what got you here.
Right now your W is taking up too much of your brain space.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Mab1, you know how you find her more attractive the more independent she gets? THE SAME THING WILL HAPPEN TO HER! That's a key observation. That's why you need to GAL, act as if, and cease all pursuit. You don't need to respond to her e-mail at all.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
