"I'm finding it really tough to stay positive and hopeful especially in light of biased but well meaning advice from friends and family and the regular injections of "I'm done" which I seem to be getting from my wife."
firstly, stop listening to freinds and family. they are only hearing your side of the sitch and saying what they think you need to hear based on that. they will usually tell you to take the easy way out but that way is not "easy", either.
you have to decide what you want for yourself.
secondly, stop snooping. now you see why people on here tell you this.
her emails to friends or family will be the same; her side of the story. and, she will try to appear as if it all means nothing to her and she's coping well.
have you read the DB and DR books? if so, go back and review.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Right now, this is really huge for me. How can I ever trust her again? She obviously doesn't have any respect for me at all. I mean joking about me thinking things were on the mend? That's just cruel. I could never do something like that to anyone, let alone someone who I claimed to love merely days before. This is going to take a long time for me to deal with. Right now I'm so angry, I could quite happily never speak to her again, let alone try and repair what seems to be our sham of a marriage.
You're acting as if she said it to you. You're also acting as if you're the victim.
She didn't and you're not. You did this to yourself. You can make it all about her so you can be "angry" but what will that do for YOU! Justify? Blame?
I don't see anyone on here advocating that. Work on yourself and stop focusing on what's wrong with her.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Once again you are right. It did hurt a lot but it's not like she had had an affair. She was fed up in our marriage and that has a huge amount to do with me as well. It has made me even more determined to GAL hard and sort my jog out though.
If you learn how to become an expert at meeting her needs, she won't have these thoughts that bother you. So much about marriage consists of self-reinforcing cycles that we fall into. They can either be positive or negative, the goal is to get them to spin the right way.
The classic example is sex and conversation. Women typically want to connect through conversation before they are willing to have sex. Men can have a hard time engaging in conversation when their sexual needs are not met. You are less likely to want to have a conversation, she is therefore less likely to want sex, which makes you less likely to want to talk and around you go.
That's just one example but there are many others. Learn how to identify them and be the one to go "first" to break the deadlocks. When you figure it out, its very empowering. Understanding the cycles that you fell victim to is something you can work on.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
brilliant accuray - i love what you wrote and you put it so clearly.
maybe using this as one of the starting points for that new "project" with vets helping newbies that sgctox started .
give something specific for us newbies to work on - find those patterns recognize them and begin our 180's there.
right in the beginning of my sitch i read a book called the "Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner that is all about these patterns and how to break them - it was definitely instrumental in how i began choosing my 180's
mab: you are not experiencing anything that the other lbs's spouses don't go through in terms of being hurt and insulted. i'm not trying to be harsh, but it is the reality of our sitches.
here's the life lesson that all that hurt and pain have taught me - you may not be ready to hear what i'm saying but i hope you are and that it can help you.
Take EVERYTHING negative that happens in your sitch and make good use of it. many of us have found that the most negative things are actually the best opportunity for us to learn something about ourselves, and through that to resolve some of our own inner stuff that we have to work on.
so if you start by literally relishing everything that causes you pain by saying to yourself oh look here's another opportunity for me to grow a little, you will do several very positive things for yourself. for starters you won't stay stuck and focused on your own anger and resentment, you will start to understand much much more what your S is trying to tell you and then see more clearly what is the best thing for you to do. but best of all, it will help you move closer to your ultimate goal which is to detach and let go.
what i describe does not imply that you don't acknowledge your own feelings of deep hurt and pain and confusion. you do, but you can vent those here - just don't keep them stuck in your mind and not allow yourself to get past them. the LBS HAS to heal before the WAS can even start to - so make that your goal - nothing can move this faster than your own decision to heal and work through your own stuff
i hope this helps you a bit
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Take EVERYTHING negative that happens in your sitch and make good use of it. many of us have found that the most negative things are actually the best opportunity for us to learn something about ourselves, and through that to resolve some of our own inner stuff that we have to work on.
zig
Zig, oh, how I love what you wrote here. I experienced this very thing this week. I went through a very hard situation of anger and I very much took it as a learning experience. In the 10 months that I've been separated, this is the first time that I experienced anger to this degree and did NOT contact my H regarding it. Hardest thing ever!! But, wow, it was a huge moment of growth.
Mab1, I hope you're able to really grasp what zig's telling you here because it's quite powerful if you can get a handle on it.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I think I understand what you are trying to tell me but how can I turn this into a positive and a chance to grow? All I am now is embarrassed, frustrated and angry and I don't see that as a good place to start anything from.
i know how you feel, mab1. we all do. you're in the beginning of your journey and you can't see how it will end. it's frustrating and frightening. it's out of your control and that's hard to deal with.
so, start there. learn how to deal with not having control. learn what you can control and what you can't. you can control your actions and reactions.
you can learn how to take your mind from what is not yours to control to what is yours to deal with; patience, self-control, personal inventory.
right now you just want this all to stop and for it to be settled. but if you don't do the work on yourself, you'll just go through this again. work on what you can do to make yourself a better person.
"...tell me but how can I turn this into a positive and a chance to grow?"
that's how...start on YOU.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
