from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

Not so,

That is amazing! Big smiles for you <3

[strongerthanever]

(journaling)

Today was good! I found myself feeling sad, so I let myself cry. 5 min later I though ok, now when will you allow yourself to feel happy? Do you want to lay in bed and have a pity party or do something about it?

Went for a hike then to my first kick boxing class. I totally rocked it! Afterwards I hiked down a new trail and discovered some horses in a field. I jumped the fence (bad girl!) And walked up to them to pet. Really nice and therapeutic.

A few tears came out of no where. I put on my iPod and sang out loud on the hike back.

Tomorrow I have zumba. The next day is set aside to lounge by the pool with a cookout party at a friends the next day.

Feeling better every day.

[25yearsmlc]

Glad you are feeling better Jamie.

My biggest, over all sense from all that you have posted is that you are acting far too hastily and examing things microscopically

and instead I would NOT DO ANYTHING I did not HAVE to do re the marriage or divorce

He served you so, okay, take it easy. You have a lawyer, no need to rush things.

Back way off and work on yourself b/c both of you have greatly over reacted in the past, clearly...and the paradigm through which he is seeing the marriage and you WERE (and I hope are no longer)

needed major changing. IT's not merely a "better communication" or "more sex"
type of dynamic.

But there are children and there was at one time a strong bond. Give it time and space to resurface.

Don't let your ego or a wounded pride make any decisions...

of course protect yourself/girls but again there is a way to know when you are acting from a healthy loving place

vs the desire to KNOW RIGHT NOW and fix it or end it...

but some ambiguity exists in all lives... & none of us "KNOW" what will happen in the future. That's okay.

I hope this makes sense - just want to say you won't get all the answers soon, and some of the answers are not there at all...or they change just as you begin to hold them in your hands...fleeting shifting realities...

All you need to DO today, is work on YOU. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow.

Stay in the moment and make the best of it; life is made up of those 'moments'. Make some each day.

[strongerthanever]

25,

I am seeing a pattern that I'm not sure how to respond to in the future. He likes to hug/flirt with me when we meet to exchange the children. At first, I was open to it. I figured it was his way to feel me out, and then as expected would go dark again. He has gotten progressivly more touchy feely/flirty.

DB defies logic, and my "same" was always being avalible to him. He has never felt my absence. And I know true 180s often make you uncomfortable.

So now I'm thinking that I should avoid placing myself in a position where he can get physical with me. And if he does try, to politly tell him that it is not appropiate. Thoughts?

A hugs part of my gut tells me that he will continue to flip flop between ow and myself as long as he believes that the m is still there, waiting. That he will not realize the finality of things until he is left alone to face them.

I know that in order for this to happen it will take months of being completly dark. I have not made contact in about 6 weeks, but have not been disciplined in the area of physical contact. I am going to go back to have him drop of d2/3 at daycare and I'll just pick them up from daycare. That's how things had been but once I started to refrain from contacting him he switched to face/face drop offs. I think it was his way of being able to see me and feel out my emotonial status.

And yes, I have decided that even if he keeps the nice clothes I have bought them, I will still dress them nice on the days I know h will be picking them up. I will not comment about the clothes should he keep them, they can easily be replaced. By making this small change I hope to stop some of the score keeping and trust issues. It's small, but a baby step for sure.

The no physical contact thing is more for me than anything. I have more and more moments of contempment and honest happiness, but I would be lying if I said that I have comletly dropped the no expectation thing. Detaching and gal are still big things for me, although I do see great improvement.

goals for h and I right now? geeze I don't even know. Goals for me? Totaly knocking them out. And yes, our sitch has been fairly quick as ow just entered the picture 4 months ago. So no, I don't think there has been enough time for ANYTHING yet. And yes, I have been looking at things with a microscope. I guess bc I find myself thinking about it a lot. I'm getting better at it though.

[strongerthanever]

You are right. After H opened up to me, it seemed logical that he would come over and the convo would continue. But he didn't, he went on a weekend trip with ow. I had unrealistic expectations. The next day is when I sent him the "I think you were just having a bad day when you opened up to me, I'm done, I'm filing" text. Had I not had the need to "know right now" and sent that text, he wouldn't have tried to win and file. So I basicly backed him in a corned and he filled to get out of it. Oops.

[25yearsmlc]

25,

I am seeing a pattern that I'm not sure how to respond to in the future.

IMO, no you are not seeing a "pattern." A pattern takes weeks or months to form. You seem to see them in one day interactions Jamie.

Sorry but you need to back up and take a much bigger broader perspective so you don't react or "plan" a reaction to so little, so often. You're spinning your wheels and that hinders your growth b/c your energy is spent looking at HIS behavior instead of your own.

Just work on YOUR STUFF.

what is that anyhow?


He likes to hug/flirt with me when we meet to exchange the children. At first, I was open to it. I figured it was his way to feel me out, and then as expected would go dark again.

"feel you out" for what? Information? How about him feeling connected to you and seeing if you would react warmly and welcome him home?? OR

if you'd cut him off to "show him a thing or two"?


He has gotten progressivly more touchy feely/flirty.

DB defies logic, and my "same" was always being avalible to him. He has never felt my absence. And I know true 180s often make you uncomfortable.

He HAS felt your absence....but what you're referring to is affection/sex/intimacy, right?

On one hand, this reeks of "teaching him a lesson" and I don't think any man ever misses the great sex he did NOT have with his wife. No man misses arms crossed over their wive's chest w/a firm "No touch!" stance...

OTOH if YOU feel used afterwards, lonelier than before, or disrespected BECAUSE of how he treats YOU (not just going)

like if he's overtly nasty or says the "ML was bad" or he wishes OW were there, then forget it...

but--if he just withdraws from you, after connecting, sometimes That's a "touch and go" pattern for many.

They want the emotional connection they miss so very much, and intimacy reminds them of that... but if they get afraid of being hurt again (-lest we forget HE was the original LBSer

and this is ALL NEW & FRESH and moving at the speed of sound)

so how do YOU feel when you are intimate? And after?

Is it possible you both feel closer, but since he has not jumped back into bed AND the house, you kinda want to punish him?

Or do you think that if he gets to have his cake and eat it too, that it'll never end?

I can see feeling that way, but not this fast or soon...don't confuse your wounded pride with self respect. There's a fine line sometimes.

For ME (and it's an intensely intimate personal matter so don't let me or anyone else TELL you what to do) and it's hard to explain but

my h and I had a good physical connection and I KNOW HE felt closer when we were intimate and it "reminded us of 'us'", it enveloped us for a moment, in the big picture of things...it helped us stay connected and it certainly aided the reconciliation.

I gave my h something to miss. I'd want to Make sure the last memory your h has of intimacy w/you is a great one...


So now I'm thinking that I should avoid placing myself in a position where he can get physical with me.

MAYBE this^^^ if you feel bad afterwards or are trying to protect yourself..


And if he does try, to politly tell him that it is not appropiate. Thoughts?


seems to me, (but ask around) that you are pushing him into the arms of OW more with this cold approach. He already fears you won't ever forgive him or get past the affair...how does this withdrawal help your over all goal?

Why can't you relax a bit? Focus on YOUR STUFF?

Did you take in my note to you above and process it? The one about how fast & furious this is all moving...

in 6 months time, you've both left each other. That's a record. Just stop & breathe longer and work on YOU.



A hugs part of my gut tells me that he will continue to flip flop between ow and myself as long as he believes that the m is still there, waiting. That he will not realize the finality of things until he is left alone to face them.

I know that in order for this to happen it will take months of being completly dark. I have not made contact in about 6 weeks, but have not been disciplined in the area of physical contact. I am going to go back to have him drop of d2/3 at daycare and I'll just pick them up from daycare. That's how things had been but once I started to refrain from contacting him he switched to face/face drop offs. I think it was his way of being able to see me and feel out my emotonial status.

And yes, I have decided that even if he keeps the nice clothes I have bought them, I will still dress them nice on the days I know h will be picking them up. I will not comment about the clothes should he keep them, they can easily be replaced. By making this small change I hope to stop some of the score keeping and trust issues. It's small, but a baby step for sure.

if your kids need nice clothes and they're not emptying your bank account, don't you want them to look nice? Why only look nice at your place?
Do you feel them great fun food at your house and then hope they only get bread and water at their dad's??

Same goes for their favorite toys. I knew a couple who only let the best toys be at their homes so the kid could be bribed into being with one parent more as each new gadget and video came out. Those kids are wacky now.
Their parents never improved in their scorekeeping (more detailed and goes back decades) or relationship. their girls paid for it.


The no physical contact thing is more for me than anything.

IF that's^^ really true you can say "No can do b/c it's confusing to you".

Don't label it as inappropriate b/c he's still your h and sounds as if he's still attracted to you.

Might you be winning the contest with OW? How can he let you know, other than going way out on a limb? He's the first LBSer.

Have you really reassured him and showed him YOUR CHANGES?



I have more and more moments of contempment and honest happiness, but I would be lying if I said that I have comletly dropped the no expectation thing. Detaching and gal are still big things for me, although I do see great improvement.

MAYBE, not seeing him is helpful for you atm. But it makes you wonder about how to show change without real contact...??


goals for h and I right now? geeze I don't even know. Goals for me? Totaly knocking them out. And yes, our sitch has been fairly quick as ow just entered the picture 4 months ago. So no, I don't think there has been enough time for ANYTHING yet. And yes, I have been looking at things with a microscope. I guess bc I find myself thinking about it a lot. I'm getting better at it though.

[tonibertha]

Thanks for this, 25. really helps me with my sitch...

[scaredsilly]

great advice from 25!

[strongerthanever]

25,

Yes, you are right on the money here. I always feel so low and used after a moment, be it sex or a child exchange. I feel (felt) our love again, and it was just so real and amazing. It felt so good to feel his arms around me again. I would find myself thanking God in my head. I would kiss him and silently tell him ILU.

And then he would withdraw. After an amazing night of love making he would leave the house and I would see them in the car together the next day. I can't even describe how low I would feel. Used, stupid and gullible.

That low feeling is why I need this space. Not to punish him for going back to OW, but to help me. I am not emotionaly capable of doing that while not having any expectations and letting go and gal.

So I maintain my space, for me.

I still pray for my M and for healing.

[strongerthanever]

"Or do you think that if he gets to have his cake and eat it too, that it'll never end?"

EXACTLY how I feel. Does this reek of pride? Idk, possibly. But it's exactly how I feel. Like it will NEVER end bc it's too comfortable for him.