After we got married we moved to my W's home state and I left behind my family and friends. I have of course made new friends, but it is not the same as family and life long friends. Since this began I've been making excuses to my mother when she calls and ask to speak to the W, she still at work, went to the gym, is shopping etc..etc..etc.
Well, two weeks ago she asked me if everything was OK between me and W, I lied and said sure, why do you think that? and her reply was "I just had a feeling". I again lied and said everything was fine and, we said our goodbyes and ended the call. I'm now back to my lies when mom calls and ask about W (Mom calls about once a week).
So the question is, how long do I keep my family in the dark? I would not say anything about the A, but I'm wondering if I should let them know that we are going though some problems.
Thoughts?
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
Busto, my main point even if it seems different, is that I see little value in hammering the adulterer'
IF reconciling is the goal b/c it makes letting go/forgiving way harder and perhaps
more importantly it takes the focus off things we can change, like ourselves.
Yeah, I definitely agree with this part, 25 and dslc. I think 25 and I are after the same idea, dslc, that I think you are getting -- that as bad a boundary violation an A is in a marital relationship, that it helps the betrayed person to forgive and move past their hurt and anger if they TRY to empathize with and relate to the state of the WAS when he/she chooses to affair.
It usually is coming from a place of feelings rejected, hurt, neglected, resentful, angry -- all kinds of negative emotions from not having their emotional needs met in the way that they need them to be met. So, they feel justified, entitled to step out. Because of how hurt and neglected they feel, perhaps even feeling emotionally abused, unvalued. For months, maybe years of feeling alone, disconnected, unloved. And she may or may not have said things to you to show you this, but you didn't "hear her" or get it the way she needed you to.
So, while her choice to act on those feelings the way she did (A) is still a huge boundary violation and injury to you and your M, and totally her choice and her responsibility (and she will need to come to understand this eventually if the two of you are to reconcile successfully in the future), it is really critical for your own emotional well-being now and for any potential of reconciliation that you try to understand, like 25 is saying, where she was (and maybe is) emotionally when she made these choices. And why she might be scared and very reluctant to reattach to the situation and person that left her feeling so unloved and unappreciated in the past.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
[quote=bustorama] dscl, what has your W told you explicitly or implicitly about: 1) what you did wrong 2) what she is attracted to in OM (or what he does that you didn't)
1. She said that I did not show her love and was very distant and that I always made her think everything she did was wrong. 2. The complete opposite of number 1. He does he loves her, is there for her and the little things that I say bother me does not bother him.
Quote:
K, there are a few different things here:
1) Re: feeling unloved, have you read or are you familiar with what her love languages are (or what your own love languages are) -- have you read "the 5 love languages"? As a starting point, it helps to understand what sorts of things each of you needs to feel loved -- what sorts of behaviors/actions in your partner do you hear as "He/she loves me."
It is very common someone to speak to their spouse in whatever is their own love language, but this may not be their spouse's preferred love languages. For example, a W might give Acts of Services, Words of Affirmation or Conversation/Listening Time to their husbands because those are things that their W experience as loving acts and what they feel they need for love. But, many H are on different planets and experience physical intimacy as loving acts, so we may feel unloved if all we are getting AoS, WoA and conversation or we may try to show our affection for our W through physical touch or sex, but our W experience that as us viewing them as sexual objects, because, physical intimacy may not be THEIR primary love language. The solution is for each partner to be in touch with the other's LL, so we can meet each other's emotional needs in the right language and feel mutually loved.
What do you think your W's LL are? How does she show YOU that she loves you? What have you heard from her re: what specific things OM does for her that makes her feel loved by him.
2) Re: criticism/unacceptance, that's so common, especially in men with controlling tendencies (Busto raises hand). So this suggests to me that one of your W's love languages is words of affirmation. This is why ever little criticism or word of unacceptance or challenge you have given her in the past has not only been a failure to meet her need to hear words of affirmation for you, but has busted any love (lovebuster) that she might have had in her tank for you.
So, in what ways and why do you think you have been critical or unaccepting of things she has done or ways she is. Can you give some examples? What is that all about for you?
Conversely, in what ways have you given your W words of affirmation? Do you know what they are? Or why have you not, you think?
A rule of thumb that is often said in marital therapy is for any single criticism or negative thing that you say to their spouse, their needs to be some much greater number of offsetting positive things we say to our spouse so that they do not experience it as us being critical, unloving, not accepting of them. For you, the ratio may need to be very high indeed now given that your W has a history of experiencing you as being critical of her -- higher certainly than someone she doesn't have that history with, like OM.
Originally Posted By: dslc
Have to admit, kind of scare that what I did has now pushed her more into OM arms. I know this is not what I'm suppose to think, but it is in my mind, maybe it's there since it just happened and I'll feel stronger as the days go by.
Yeah, very normal to feel that way. It's ok to feel scared, even terrified that you may have done something wrong and "lost her." You don't need to "fix" that feeling in yourself. When you are overwhelmed by feelings, try to go back to your code of conduct, your non-negotiable boundaries -- am I ok with living with my W if she is having sex with an OM? am I ok with my W being in a R with an OM? Maybe you are, maybe you are not.
If it is not in your code of how you want to be treated, then the right thing to do is to enforce that boundary. And what results is what results. But you are being true to yourself and how you want to be treated, which is the foundation of everything. Can't have healthy relationships with other people if you are not having a healthy relationship with yourself.
[quote]I MUST accept that I can't control her feelings or issues and concern myself with what I can... mine.
That's exactly right, and this is the other part of it. You don't want to do or not do something because of the effect it may or may not act on her. And I see that you are getting this -- you don't set and enforce boundaries to show her anything. You do it to be honest and respectful with yourself. Healthy relationships can then follow with those who choose to treat you the way you want to be treated.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
The last thing, re: your parents -- let me rephrase your question.
Why have you not told them yet to this point? Are you motivated by protecting yourself? Your W? or them?
What negative consequences do you fear from telling them?
What positive consequences might you hope would happen instead?
Protecting my mother, my bother died less than a year ago and she is still morning him, I fear bringing up my issues would be to much for her to take right now.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
Well last night was the first night after me asking the W not to stay overnight while she is with OM and she did not show up, she also has not contacted me. I did send her an email this morning but it was only about how are budget is tight and that we would need to watch our finances till next payday.
Working on getting a separate account, issue is that money is real tight right now and me and W pay all the home bills 50/50.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
Well, two weeks ago she asked me if everything was OK between me and W, I lied and said sure, why do you think that? and her reply was "I just had a feeling".
Originally Posted By: dscl
I'm trying to protect my mom, not sure if she can take more bad news since my brother died only a year ago or so
(the above is paraphrased btw)
1) Do you see how your intention, as good as it may be, is controlling? That you are trying to manage your mom's emotions for her? Part of your nature
2) Mom may already "knows" what is up at some point -- mother's intuition. Being dishonest with her and not connecting with her about it is not likely to help. You don't know, she may feel in a better place if she feels she is able to be supportive for her remaining son. To be there for you. Really can't predict how it will be for her emotionally. Don't try to predict it or manage it for her. Let her manage it herself.
3) One of the things about setting and enforcing boundaries is being honest with yourself and valuing that. Do you also value honesty in relationships with others? In others being honest with you in their relationship with you?
Were you able to read the stuff I posted in my garbled quoted message further up about love languages? Have you read that book? What do you think your W's love languages are?
Re: your W not calling/being around yesterday. Yes, this is a process. It will take time. That sense of urgency you have about things turning around and getting fixed (and that may influence other parts of your life), take a deep breath. It took months or years for your W to get where she is and for you to get where you are. It will take some time to play out.
It is time to GAL.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Well, two weeks ago she asked me if everything was OK between me and W, I lied and said sure, why do you think that? and her reply was "I just had a feeling".
Originally Posted By: dscl
I'm trying to protect my mom, not sure if she can take more bad news since my brother died only a year ago or so
(the above is paraphrased btw)
1) Do you see how your intention, as good as it may be, is controlling? That you are trying to manage your mom's emotions for her? Part of your nature
2) Mom may already "knows" what is up at some point -- mother's intuition. Being dishonest with her and not connecting with her about it is not likely to help. You don't know, she may feel in a better place if she feels she is able to be supportive for her remaining son. To be there for you. Really can't predict how it will be for her emotionally. Don't try to predict it or manage it for her. Let her manage it herself.
3) One of the things about setting and enforcing boundaries is being honest with yourself and valuing that. Do you also value honesty in relationships with others? In others being honest with you in their relationship with you?
Were you able to read the stuff I posted in my garbled quoted message further up about love languages? Have you read that book? What do you think your W's love languages are?
Re: your W not calling/being around yesterday. Yes, this is a process. It will take time. That sense of urgency you have about things turning around and getting fixed (and that may influence other parts of your life), take a deep breath. It took months or years for your W to get where she is and for you to get where you are. It will take some time to play out.
It is time to GAL.
Point 1:
It is, and I see it, I have a IC appt. on Tuesday, will wait after that to have the talk with my mother, need a couple of days in between the talk with W and talk with mom.
Point 2:
True I think she knows "something" is going on, but I don't think she has an idea how bad it is.
Point 3: Was able to read it, have not read the book, but will add it onto my list.
For as GAL:
Slowly I'm getting there. Just came from the gym on a saturday no less. I guess this could be seen as a GAL and 180. The W loved going to the gym, she would beg me to go with her and I would say no i'm watching TV.
God it hurts to see these things in hindsight.
I still do not accepted the blame for her choice to have the A, but looking back there was so much I could have done different .
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
We need to be real careful with spending money. The money in the account has to last to payday and we will need it for gas,food and to pay for daycare.
Her reply:
Quote:
I am only buying food and gas - that is all I have bought
So it seems she took my email as accusing her of spending money on things she should not be. Should I reply:
Sorry if my email made you think I was accusing you of spending on other things that was not my intent, I was just giving you a head up about the budget for next week.
Send/reword it/ Send nothing
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
