Nearing the end of this chapter of my life. I can't believe the journey I have been on in the past 20 months.
Some reflection happened today so I thought I would start this thread with it.
I'm on a film starring Eliza Dushku (Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and although my job requires me to deal with actors.. I had the pleasure of spending 30 mins with her as we both had to go through make-up.
We chatted about life a little.. fedoras, family, tattoos. Nothing big but I couldn't help but smile. Here I was sitting next to the woman who I loved to watch in high school.
(I gotta thing for kick ass girls)
I became very overwhelmed with gratitude. So thankful because although I don't know God's plan.. I don't know if I would have been sitting next to her if I hadn't have experienced this divorce.
It breaks down pretty simply.
Wife says I'm negative -> I Start Working on it -> Val becomes a more positive person -> People want to be around positive people -> Val get more work.
It has been life changing for me... and although I get sad (and some times angry) that it didn't change my sitch....
... I can not suppress the overwhelming joy I feel as well.
And I admit.. it's kinda weird feeling happiness from a very sad situation.
BUT
In my separation, I have mended a relationship with both my mom and my sister
In my separation, my career has taken a huge step forward
In my separation, I have learned what friendship is and have built ones that will last a lifetime
In my separation, I am learning what love really is.
In my separation, I am learning that life isn't determined by a single action.. but over several consistent ones built over time..
.. so you better make them good ones.
and In my separation, I am learning that I don't know have to know the master plan... only that I have to believe that it' the best one for me.
It's been a crazy 20 months... but I don't think I would change a single thing....
.. so maybe I'm a little crazy myself.. because sometimes I want to email my w and thank her!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Wow! What great strides. You are my new hero. PS I don't think that there is anything wrong with emailing your W and thanking her for being a catalyst to such great change for you. I think it might be healing for you both. Just MHO.
Amazing Val!! This is so beautiful to read and I look forward to the coming months in your journey and the additional positive changes you will make! No regrets or we wouldn't be who we are today! Or who we are promised to be in the future!
Went to church yesterday and was informed that it would be closing it's doors next week.
My church is very small - about only 40-50 people. We've been growing but not enough to hold up financially.
Their beliefs in regards to community and showing God's love has been a great influence in my life.
To lose them is like losing my family.
It's the 2nd family I've lost in a year.
In my head, I know it's different. My wife chose to not be part of my family anymore. The people of my church will still be there - just not in the same way...
..but in my heart... it's still painful. It still feels like a loss.
I know that not everyone who is brought into your life is there for the duration of your life....
.... sometimes I just wish I had a little bit more say on who those people are.
We have a town meeting tonight to discuss. I need to feel everything I can in the next few hours and let it go... because although I am sad, angry, and honestly a little bit scared..
.. there is my pastor - who is 30 - who gave up his part time job, moved into a more expensive home to accommodate is VERY pregnant wife with their 3 child who is due at any time...
... who no longer has a job and has NO IDEA what God has in store for them.
And I need to be there for him and his family.
Prayers for him would be much appreciated.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
It was very obvious to me that my pastor was struggling. Sure he smiled when he could and gave words of encouragement.
At first I was upset. Having experience running a company combined with my "I don't fail" attitude brought up alot of feelings....
.. but the more I watched him....working through his feelings... the more I started to work through mine.
Watching him struggle yet choosing to love us rather that let those fears get the better of him. Holding in his own fears so he could be strong for us when we were expressing ours..
it was just awesome.
I feel so lucky to be part of his life. So lucky that he loves me that much. Both him and his wife.
These are people I may not have never if not for my separation.
And on my way home I started thinking about change and how it's only a bad thing if we allow it to be. If we allow our fears to drive us instead of allowing the change to inspire us.
And tonight - I'm ready for change. To finally get out of this limboland.
I know I hope that my w will wake up, but it's not going to happen. And for some reason I just keep waiting for her to address each painful step. I keep procrastinating....
.. because I'm scared.
I am afraid of change. Afraid that if I take the bull by the horn that it will be forever over. Afraid that we will never speak of again. Afraid of what a divorced life will look like.
Afraid that I will never get over her or that I will never marry again.
I'm allowing fear to control my life and my decisions and after watching my pastor tonight chose love instead of fear.. I can't help but want to do the same.
I think I'm going to call my car insurance company and separate our plan. I'm going to let go of the remaining financial stuff. It's money that I never had and I'm using it as an excuse.
And I think I'm going to email her for the 1st time to set a date to sign the papers.
This is not a change I want by any means, but it's clear I can't stop it.
So I might as well allow it to inspire change in me... and let the fear stay in the past with the Old Val.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, the change curve is well described out on the web. It was originally used to describe the grieving process. In the career I have now it is used as a component of change management. I have found it applicable to my sitch. Acceptance is what I perceive here. Acceptance in not the end of the curve model, it is down the road and almost the end. Integration is what we are striving for.
We will always carry part of who we were and part of what occurred in the past. We will carry what we perceived as just and good in our core being. We will integrate into our core the lessons learned through this cycle of change as preparation for the next. Where we are at this moment is where we were a moment ago. Time advances, life goes on, change is constant. Accept that change is constant, learn to embrace change and chart your journey for personal positive outcomes.
Easier said than done I know for I too am on a similar path. Reflecting back upon the relationship I had I can see from this perspective how the constant cycle of drama prevented me from achieving personal growth. This is but one unhealthy aspect of my co-de relationship. Don’t rewrite history, take an honest look back. You are a better person than you were, ahead lies your future, imagine where you will be. Chart your course.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I still struggle with letting things rolling off my back or sticking up for myself.
Here's an example - Warning - Venting:
I've had a few email exchanges with my w in regards to different things. I'm really trying to grow in the right ways but I constantly fight this urge to set a new boundary.
In my last thread I mentioned that I thanked her for the health insurance option she texted me when I said how I would move forward with my medical insurance.
She thanked me and included this: Also, thanks, I got both your checks and was able to deposit them at the same time. One less thing to do is appreciated.
And I bit my tongue. I wanted to defended myself because the only reason I stopped sending both checks together is that she was clearly holding my insurance checks.
But I thought.. this is moot and talked myself out of it.
I also forwarded her an email from our tax person (he forgot to CC her). Her response to it was asking me a question that she should be asking him. I ignored it and she got the hint and finally emailed him.
Today - I sent her an email saying that I would be taking my car off our car insurance policy. (This is something that she has been asking me to do for months).
Her response:
Thanks for the update.. You'll include your renters on that too right? Have you heard anything from x about the taxes being completed?
And I know I'm reacting right now... because I feel like she is being a jerk to me...
... and what I want to do is email her back with "Nah.. I thought I would let you pay for it :P".
There is a part of me that's says that it was always this way in my marriage and will continue to be the same until I change it.
But then there is another part of me that says... I'll just be playing into her control if I respond in any way in a defending manner.
And it's a super hard line to walk and right now I'm frustrated.
Because I want to defend myself, I want to defend my character. I want to stop this kind of communication.
I'm tired of ignoring her emails and such. I'd rather just say "hey.. figure it out!"
Why do I have to be the one to teach her these things? The marriage is over so why bother working so hard on this dynamic now?
I know I know.. so I can have better R's in the future. Well if this was with another person, I would say that I'm more than happy to hear their fears and talk.. but that I won't be talked to in a passive aggressive way?
Blaaahh!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, I know you know this. I know your venting and probably by now this is all past. Still if you’re not or someone else can gain from reading this:
Quote:
I'll just be playing into her control if I respond in any way in a defending manner.
Yes, That is exactly what that is control, or an attempt at it. Best to ignore the bait rather than rise to it and get hooked into a destructive exchange.
Quote:
it's a super hard line to walk and right now I'm frustrated.
Because I want to defend myself, I want to defend my character. I want to stop this kind of communication.
I still do not understand the why behind these parting shots. I experienced the same type of thing as my sitch progressed. IMO and I know I am mind reading here she is venting her frustration over her lack of control here, poking with a sharpened stick attempting to get a reaction from you. It is button pushing. It is a probe designed to gather a reaction. Do not engage. Let it pass. The less you have to communicate about the less of these communications you’ll have.
Quote:
I'm tired of ignoring her emails and such. I'd rather just say "hey.. figure it out!"
Why do I have to be the one to teach her these things? The marriage is over so why bother working so hard on this dynamic now?[/quote
You don’t, it is not your place to teach her anything. She may learn about grace under fire by observing your actions under stress. That is hers to own, not yours to teach.
[quote]Well if this was with another person, I would say that I'm more than happy to hear their fears and talk.. but that I won't be talked to in a passive aggressive way?
Moving forward you won’t engage in the co-de behaviors and you’ll set better boundaries.
Like water off a ducks back, or as if you are secure in a strong home while a storm rages outside let her rage while you let it go and find your peace.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Sound alike your W and mine are using the same playbook this week.
And I can think of no better advice than the words said to me by a great DBer, YOU:
"Yes - the email is a small step. But if you make the best decision in all of these small steps, the change in you will be HUGE."
You are an inspiration and I so admire your ability to not take the easy route but to do the hard work to figure out what to do to be the best Val.
And maybe the best way to look at it is not that she is testing you, bc that requires our knowledge of her motivation, which we don't know.... but that this is a test for you, of the new Val, in the hardest situation ever.
IMHO, the change in you is already HUGE, keep taking the small steps, tiring as they are, they lead back to you.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
@JS - Thanks for you're reply. You are right - I was past it.. but your advice is always welcomed.
Although I do tend to agree that her behavior is due to her losing control,I do not know for sure what she meant and in the end... it does not matter..
....whether it be poking or concern... my action is the same....
I also knew as soon as I said "teach" I was using the wrong word. She always will have a choice on how she wants to treat me.. regardless on how I behave.
So I guess it's more of teaching myself now.
@NG - Thanks. I'm very emotional so I know I struggle with reactions. The choice to take the high road is not always apparent.. if fact it almost never is when my emotions run high.
So I vent, I post, and I wait.
I never did respond to my wife. And I won't. I'll give her the details when I have them. I may not be able to stop the control she has over me right away.. but I do stop it.
You're right NG. It is a test for me. I so appreciate your kind words and support.
Off to GAL the sh!t out of my week. My sister (the one who is sick) has been pretty healthy the last few months....
... healthy enough to visit LA.
Another silver lining in my situation.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
