from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

I started 2 other threads so I'm going to move them over here...

[strongerthanever]

Hubby turned into the was 4 months ago. I did all of the major no nos until finding db. My going dark and doing 180s showed promising results. he would text and compliment me on my life changes and call me "his worry".

The Deal is that he is still having an ps with his married boss, he had not changed anything and our 2 year old girls still go back and forth every week. His life is so comfortable that he won't change. A few months ago he admitted he lives me and is confused. Well I'm not and I'm not tolerating this anymore.

Don't go throwing stones, but I'm filling. I have everything ready, and next Tuesday, when they are with daddy, I'm doing it. I even have my text ready (have not initiated contact since going dark a month ago). Anyhow, my text will read "I have learned and grown so much that I can no longer stay in this relationship the way that it is. I filed for divorce today. I just wanted to give you a heads up that you will be served your papers in the next few days". Then I'm going dark again.

And the thing is, it's the truth. I'm not perfect, but I know what I want. My girls and I deserve the same. It is a true 180 because I have always told him how much I love him, care...you know the speech. I'm not living the rest of my life crying every day.

I figure if he's going to continue his pa, it's going to happen whether I make myself a victim or start moving on. I really really hope this wakes him up. Either way, this is the beginning of the new, happier, healthier me.

I will be sure to update!

[strongerthanever]

Why isn't there a posting icon of someone crying? Just sayin....anyhow...Oh gosh guys…I don’t know if I’ve detached too much, gone too dark or what…but my mind is flip flopping. My 180s are working, but I don’t even know if I want H anymore. Has anyone else gone through this?

I was a WAW, for so many reasons. While we have been separated for 6 months we have reversed roles, leaving him having a full blown PA with his married boss. Through my DB strategies, he has come around and is texting me 3 times a week. He’s called me “wifey”, admitted to being confused and wanting his family back. Granted, that SAME night he was camping with OW and filed for D 3 days later.

Here we are 1 week later and he wants to turn our weekly child exchange into a dinner date. At first I was so excited to see my baby steps, but guys, idk anymore……I’m really thinking of just showing up to get my girls and then leaving, no dinner.
My inner dialogue is saying “he has not worked on a single thing that caused you to walk away. Why do you even want him back? For more of the same?”

I don’t guys. I can’t go back to that life. An unchanged man means an unchanged relationship. That, I just can’t do.

I’m not going to go into the details of the bad (not drugs or anything like that), because they don’t really matter. What I’m REALLY wondering is have any of you ever felt like this? Is this normal?

[strongerthanever]

OK, so I have copied and pasted my other posts. In case everything gets mixed up, I'm going to give a quick break down to bring you up to speed...

May-went dark, internaly frantic as Brit noticed. I think I cried every day and would just pray to God for peace

May-ironicly going dark is pulling him back, 180s are working, and I'm torn between my heart and my head

May-seriously GALing. I did the relay for life (huge goal of mine!), attending church, volunteering, finding and loving myself

June-H is seriously complimenting me and trying to come around. I'm still conflicted. He's flip flopping more than I am! Admits he is unhappy and wants his family back (never says me or M) and yet files for D 3 days later

This entire time I'm dark, doing 180s, completly folling the book like a pro. Didn't even get over excited when he started opening up. That was about a week ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So we are meeting today to do the D2,D3 swap. H, thinking I will be downtown at night (huge 180) has turned this swap into sort of a date thing. Text convo:

H- that's far, how about meeting at Mc Donald's off of Nevada?
M- sounds great, I'll meet you there around 7:30 (ending text convo)
H- (starting text convo)Maybee you culd get some hamburgers while you're there
M- lol, ok
H- for real??
M- who says no to a hamburger?
H- ;)can't wait
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so then later I was having second thoughts, my mind was screaming NO!!! This man has not changed. Remember, I was the WAS, and for good reasons. Thank goodness I never contacted him. Mind you, I just got served my D papers a few days ago! For some reason it doesn't scare me that he filled. Hell, he saved me time and $. I owe him a thank you (but won't, lol). I'm not even bring it up that he filled. Acting like it doesn't phas me, bc really it doesnt.

Yesterday afternoon, still conflicted, I went out and treated myself. I got a new beautiful maxi dress and got my hair cut. Not for him, but for ME. Granted, OW is not girly, and I know he misses that factor. But it was for me, because I deserve it.

Granted, I will be wearing it when I see him tonight. But I (honestly) found myself again. I am that beautiful happy girl he asked to marry. Perhaps it will wake him up, but being me again is for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Holly hell guys, I have gone through so many emotions. feeling bi polar reading my posts? lol. I thought I was but my T said it's normal, it's my heart fighting with my head, which has been so obvious.

So what's the plan? Love the hell out of myself. H has a lot of maturing and growing to do, and I'm not getting in the way of that. If it causes him to grow into a man that wants to be my husband, awesome. If not, D2 and D3 have pretty awesome parents who are still comitted to working together to co parent and love them.

I see it as a win-win no matter how this thing turns out. I'm showing up tonight as my beautiful, happy serene self. No pressure, it will be just like seeing an old childhood neighbor.

Sry this was so long! But you hung in there, lol
will update tomorrow and let you know how it went <3

[strongerthanever]

"As a WAW I had to sit down with myself and understand that I was being selfish in wanting all of this to happen on my timeline. To want space when I wanted it and want the R when I wanted it."

BRIT-so true

[strongerthanever]

So I showed up like I said I would, things didn't go as planned. He just gave me the girls, told me how beautiful I looked and then proceeded to Bragg about his day with ow. Not sure why he would plan a date and then act like that, perhaps to try and bust my 180 of going dark.

I held my own and followed all the rules.

Normally we don't see each other to switch the children, we just assume the job of picking them up from daycare. while I have been dark he had been coming over with his friend to drop them off. I'm ending that.

I'm going so dark he couldn't find me with night vision. I'm blocking his number when I have the girls. I will unblock it when he has them but will not answer my phone. He seems to be grasping for anyway he can to hurt me. Or perhaps I'm being self centered and taking his flip flopping personally.

I've got to pull waaaaay back and continue to focus on myself here. You could say I'm doing Michelles after the last resort technique. She warns that it could end the marriage, but hell, he already filled a few days ago.

I held my 3 year old tonight while she slept and I cried. I told her I was sorry that I could not give her a "normal" family, and admitted to my part in it. I then promised her that I would give her what I could the best Mommy I could be. I promised to be as mature as possible in this situation.

I know it's ok to be divorced and the M can end and my girls can still be happy, it was just something I wanted to tell her.

I've continued to flip flop, I know. Right now I'm letting go, honestly. Maybe ow is the one for him. I wish him the best.

[~ kd ~]

Hi jg333, I just wanted to bump your thread here in newcomers.

While I'm addressing your thread in the "I'm thinking about leaving" forum, use this thread for general support and help. This forum gets much more activity.

Keep posting here, journal and ask any questions you feel you need to clarify how you might work on yourself to change the sitch and possibly save your M.

[strongerthanever]

Kaffe I don't even know if it's possible. He filled 4 June 2012. Think I might hadn't blown it. He opened up to me and let me know he wasn't happy, but was scared. He could not commit to me but could commit to sex...? And spent the weekend with ow. He was doing more of the same, Keeling one foot in each door.

My 180 meant standing up to him, lovingly, and telling him no. I thanked him for his openness the next day, but told him I felt he was just having a bad day. I was honest and told him I was going to file on Monday (the 4th). He best me to it and I was served the next day.

A few days later he turned our child exchange into a date. I showed up and it was obvious he had no intention of following through with the date part. He bragged about weekend with ow and left. No communication since.

Still dark, gal...but it's for me. I done know what hope there is for us.

[~ kd ~]

We say here that "it ain't over, til it's over." You may have heard that saying before, but there truth of that statement only hits us after a good amount of time has passed.

We DB regardless of what happens to the M. DBing helps us get a handle on where we went "wrong" in the M, to help us become better people less likely to repeat those mistakes...

It's still a good idea to work through things.

And we are also here to support you, whether you are angry, sad, or otherwise.

Just something to start you off and point out, when you had that conversation with your H, notice how you told him you felt he was having a bad day (your suspicion of WHY he was behaving a certain way).

While you may have been right, that is a dangerous thing to say (never mind to start it off by thinking it). He may have been having a GREAT day.

So what would have been another option was simply to thank him for his openness... and leave it at that...

As I said, keep posting. Use this as a journal if you need or would like.

Again, others will come along and start engaging with you and your thread.

[strongerthanever]

Kafe,

I had never though of that...what IF he had been having a great day?

Odd how despite any barriers he puts up, he never hours more than a few days without contacting me for some reason. That is one positive. When he does make contact, I am never rude. Feeling matching is an old habit I have finally let go of.

It doesn't matter how nasty he gets, I will not base my reactions or quality of life on them. I don't even bring them up. I never even brought up the divorce papers I was served, and I don't ever see a need to.

I am committing to DB, but not with the intent of saving my marriage. I like the person I am becoming and DB techniques are a great life skill. I see every interaction with h as an opportunity to sharpen those skills.

One thing I am aware of is that while I know how to behave right now, I am unprepared as of how to act should he open up again. Thanking him for his openness is a start...

He said he tried to come back to me, which I guess in his eyes is true. Mind you it was after I walked in on him and ow. He wanted back out of fear, not add a man who had done some soul searching that left him with a new commitment to his m. As much as I love him I can not be in a relationship with the man that he is right now. The man I will come back to is:

1. Rrspectful of women. Does not take them for granted or use them add a distraction from reality of the sitch
2. Not having any inappropriate contact with ow, who happens to be his boss (till Nov, when he gets out of the army)
3.willing to commit to the m and can openly honestly communicate

What am I doing to help foster these changes?
1.not allowing myself to be one of the women he disrespects
2.being patient
3.non reactive to his behaviors


I think that stuff might get dissected and thrown everywhere, but in that case I need it. One thing I know I need is advice on what to do should he open up again. I feel it's inevitable and don't want to do anything destructive.