Sadly Returning

[Hopingtomakeit]

Just woke up from a horrible dream. I wish she would spend sometime thinking about us. I am still pursuing because I am insane she get sick sometimes and I told her that I would be there for her and to call me. I also told her I would watch our stepson on Friday if she wanted to go out.

How can I save my marriage if I am allowing her to be a cake eater? Both these things she even states to me would not be fair to me. I don't know to do she says we are so diffrent. On the plus side I have been going out as often as possible and meeting new people. I am in no position to date but I'm getting out there and losing some weight and trying to gain my confidence back.

It's really only been a month this time but it seems so unsaveable last time I knew it my gut I had a shot if I did this,this and this. This time I feel I got nothing and she will never look back on us with any value.

I just want me wife back

[Hopingtomakeit]

I keep moving forward and i am hoping that things will turn around. I kind of feel like i am at war with her. Last night we both went out. We both put on perfume/cologne. We both did our separate things its kind of like a game to see who will ask what the other is doing first....is this normal?

[Hopingtomakeit]

I found out over the weekend she was having a affair. She had been talking to another man and sending him nasty videos of herself. It sickens me.

We have decided to move with the divorce. I moved everything out and i'm trying to now GAL. Its a mess. I cant eat or sleep. I moved my stuff out and im living with a friend. When does the pain from a affair end?

[LostIn407]

I wish I could tell you when it ends, but I can't. Sorry.

For me, the majority of the pain ended when I accepted there was nothing I could do about it. When I pleaded and begged, it pushed her to him. When I concentrated on the OM, it pushed her to him. I debated finding him and beating the heck out of him, but it would have pushed her to him and put me in jail which btw will not help in a D.

My advice is not to think nothing is going on or they aren't doing what you think they are. Imagine the worst, because that is most likely how it is. Sorry. Do not ask about the OM. He is nothing. OM doesn't deserve a name.

Stop wasting your energy thinking about the OM and the A. Concentrate on you. Become someone only a fool would leave. You and your W have history. Let the A play out. Let the new wear off. After the 'newness' wears off, your W will start to compare the OM to you and see your good points as long as you GAL and distance yourself.

I still think about my W and OM, but not like I used to and I get over it faster.

[Hopingtomakeit]

If I were going to walk away from my marriage and break up the family, I would have to be able to look myself in the eye and know that I have done absolutely everything in my power to make it work. Maybe I’ve ended friendships, quit my job, sold my house, read self-help books, and learned and practiced all the marriage skills I could get my hands on. I would have to know that I had done everything in my power. If, however, I truly believe that I have done everything I can to save my marriage and it has not worked, then I could hold my head up and move on knowing that I did everything I possibly could.

[Hopingtomakeit]

Thats my new focus....hoping to move on.

[Hopingtomakeit]

I cant handle this affair. I Still love my wife....what is wrong with me. She wont tell me anything and still trys to claim he is just a friend. I dont understand why she wont come clean. She wont even tell me how long its been going on.

I am also a complete tool. I cant stop texting her asking questions. She isnt giving me answers but is being pretty respectful.

I dont know what to do...I cant save my marrige and i cant detach... I am so lost and broken of a man. I am a shell of who i once was.

I dont know why answers mean so much to me. Why i cant just say she is a cheater and needs to go away....why cant i bring myself to that.

[mishka422]

Hoping, I know how hard this is and how finding out about an affair after they claim they just don't love you anymore is. Been there buddy.

She is acting according to script right now. What you just said above is 100% exactly what I heard from my xh.

One thing I will say, DO NOT KEEP TEXTING HER, TALKING TO HER, ASKING QUESTIONS! This will only keep pushing her and validating her reasons why you aren't the person she wants anymore. JUST STOP NOW! It is going to take extreme willpower. If you can, turn off your phone. Just turn it off!

Trust me, whatever answers you are seeking are not going to help you. It won't change the facts and frankly, she may not even have answers. It's about feelings and emotion. She's not operating on rational thought right now.

There is no easy road through this, but the more you step back the better for your own sanity and for your R with her.

I know you are going to see my sig line and see that my xh and I are back together. I would take that with a massive grain of salt and some tequila! We are together, things are good but not defined and I still have a lot of residual pain and flashbacks. Don't look at other's situations and see hope for the R because EVERY one is different.

Look at other's situations though and see hope for YOURSELF! There is healing, there is adjustment, there is a life moving forward.

Hugs to you. I hope you are able to step back and reacess what you are doing so you can move forward.

[25yearsmlc]

I cant handle this affair.

[color:#CC0000]
Stop snooping and stop talking about OM, completely. Totally. I don't even know why or how you "KNOW" she has had an affair but it does not matter

b/c you have no control over this.

And I don't think it helps to imagine "the worst b/c that's probably what it is" at all. Why on earth do THAT to yourself? Besides it's not realistic in my opinion.

Everyone has flaws. NO ONE is perfect and neither is OM, if he in fact exists the way you think he does. His faults will get revealed in time...we all have them. Your questions about OM only force her to defend her relationship with him, to ponder it more, and to lie to you--

OR to tell you the ugliest possible truth, which would only force her to choose. Is that what you want? THINK...

She'll figure out that he is a flawed man, when the fog lifts, which takes time. Meanwhile, you have to start becoming a man only a fool would leave.

No more being all "messed up", pretending to date, (be way more mysterious and volunteer nothing but vague comments about meeting friends) And no more acting needy or pleading w/her to tell you "the truth".

Just stop it - b/c it's NOT attractive. I know you feel like crap but the thing is, being needy and showing all your pain to her, is NOT appealing or attractive.

So if you have to, and many do, fake it til you make it. Act as if...learn those 37 rules and live by them...I'll repost them later in case you missed them.

But when someone posts a LONG post to you that takes time, do not ignore it and keep on spiraling downward.

Read and think and process new information so you can get through this.

No wallowing for more than 5 minutes at a time. This DOES get better.

Were you EVER happy before you knew her? (If not, then you need to talk to a c about long term depression. If you were ever happy before you met her, then Okay...let's get back to you being THAT guy.

being the guy she fell in love with...



I Still love my wife....what is wrong with me. She wont tell me anything and still trys to claim he is just a friend. I dont understand why she wont come clean. She wont even tell me how long its been going on.


Why would she tell you that? Why confess that to YOU? For one thing, you cannot handle it if there's truth to it. But you have got to get a grip and back off big time....Seriously...

I am also a complete tool. I cant stop texting her asking questions. She isnt giving me answers but is being pretty respectful.


yes you CAN Stop texting her and you CAN stop being "a complete tool" whatever that means. Take charge of your life. It's mandatory and it's a heck of a lot more attractive than giving her all your power b/c you have none of your own.

I dont know what to do...I cant save my marrige and i cant detach

YES YOU CAN DETACH...it's a process. Start it today

... I am so lost and broken of a man. I am a shell of who i once was.

I dont know why answers mean so much to me. Why i cant just say she is a cheater and needs to go away....why cant i bring myself to that.

give yourself some time and some credit for trying to be a good guy. But take in the new information you are being given.

You have to take this in and not spin your wheels. Get a mantra, a saying or a few phrases that help motivate or calm you and say them. OUT LOUD (in the shower in case others are around).

I had to turn my marriage over to God, along with my pain and anger. I did that, out loud, every day for months in the shower. I prayed a lot and came here and took in the advice I got.

I'd literally say "God, I turn my pain/anger over to you and place this marriage in your hands"...it helped to calm me and to keep me from losing it around my h or if he called.

I also read some things on forgiveness and that same saying helped me to let go of the pain.

You must realize that in your w's eyes, the affair, IF IT IS AN AFFAIR it has been rationalized by her.

She may feel you pushed her into OM's arms with neglect or anger or conflict, etc...rarely do people feel UNjustified when they engage in r's with OMs or OWs...

no matter what happens, you cannot let this eat at you.

So start turning it over to the big Guy upstairs and become the man you were meant to become.

Let your wife see your changes and wonder who she is choosing to leave,

and let her remember why she chose you in the first place. Those memories will resurface if you let them...by giving her space and acting as if you have had an awakening...

that she will NOT be better off without you (do not tell her, just believe it and let that inner belief show. The OM, if he's real, cannot love her as you do, so KNOW that...and it will show)

Be the man she fell in love with, a man only a fool would leave.

Be strong, upbeat, looking forward to your future b/c no matter what, you will learn to laugh and live and yes LOVE again.

In time...for now, HEAL and GAL...we hammer the "GAL" speech a whole lot

b/c it works!

[25yearsmlc]

here are the 37 "Rules" for newbies, for you to learn AND a

short piece on Detachment after it. Read them and take them in...

Here we go...


I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I know I did.

FOR WHEN YOU GET "THE BOMB"….

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then, don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) In short, No Snooping.

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne/perfume, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, do 180s… (so if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her to initiate), then be rather scarce or minimal with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short & simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! (No matter what time he/she comes home.) You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy YOUR life and time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life too.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. The supposed changes will look like "tactics" to get them back & then they won't believe the changes are lasting.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive & fun to be with. (As hard as this is, remember that angry, sad, pouting people do NOT ATTRACT others to them). The FUN somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Never lose your temper! (That reinforces their choice to leave). Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill or be over the top in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient……VERY, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do NOT interrupt them when they are speaking, OR correct them, and stop what you may be working on or doing, to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. (Listening better never hurts.)

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell). Silence can be the loving thing to "not say."

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Calmness is soothing to the calm person AND their "audience". Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only, NOT your spouse. The more you tell them what you are doing (or trying to show them) the more your actions will seem manipulative & insincere.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write or a single dramatic gesture. (Not saying not to do/say those too, but focus on consistent changes, over time. That earns the spouse's belief in the changes).

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever, & even when you truly feel desperate & needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. Very important that you get this concept.

31. When you communicate with your spouse, do not focus on yourself; instead, focus on them. If in person, make eye contact.

32. Do not believe any of what THEY SAY and less than 50% of what THEY DO. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared, AND OR, b/c they want to justify their leaving.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes! Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day, unless absolutely necessary. (That means only in urgent matters.)

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.


Here is the piece on Detachment. There is a lot around this site on Detachment but this summarizes it nicely. Don't look to HER for how YOU feel about you or your life. That is hard at first but you have to get this point.

You only have one life and YOU have to be the author of it. Write your life's novel the way you want it to go.

"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."

It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."