Right now not rocking the boat seems the best approach to me. I am still going to consult with a L to see if there are any legal implications to me basically moving back in and saying to my W "if you don't like it, go to the apt". That does not appear a wise move, though I know some would differ, and I value and respect their advice. If my principle was making sure the kids got to see me often enough during the summer I think my calculation puts my heart at ease a bit.
Some of these situations seem unclear, on the one hand I want to make her feel the consequences of her decision, but on the other I don't want to do anything to turn her away. Right now I am going to sit on the decision until I have legal advice. Probably continue on with things as they are.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
Read the Walk Out Woman last year, probably needs another look. Project Happily Ever After looks interesting, a new one for me. Will check it out, thanks.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
Right now not rocking the boat seems the best approach to me. I am still going to consult with a L to see if there are any legal implications to me basically moving back in and saying to my W "if you don't like it, go to the apt". That does not appear a wise move, though I know some would differ, and I value and respect their advice. If my principle was making sure the kids got to see me often enough during the summer I think my calculation puts my heart at ease a bit.
By not rocking the boat, what I mean is that they will take a snapshot look at what has been in place to date, and they will assume that this is the best plan for the kids.
Aggressively pursuing time with your kids has nothing to do with the marriage right now.
There is a middle ground...
Originally Posted By: UKVA
Some of these situations seem unclear, on the one hand I want to make her feel the consequences of her decision, but on the other I don't want to do anything to turn her away. Right now I am going to sit on the decision until I have legal advice. Probably continue on with things as they are.
How about if you were to just do what is right, and not worry about the rest ???
You are correct, it is not your place to enforce the ramifications of her decisions....
Nor are you doing yourself any justice, by sitting around and waiting for the other shoe to drop....
If I had been asked that question 3 months ago I would have wanted reconciliation with my W. Maybe 3 weeks ago I would have wanted to be detached enough so she would notice and react. Today I want to be detached so I can move on and let what will happen just happen. Detached to me now is a state of mind, no more thinking "I can't believe she will go through with this" and more thinking "what can I do to further grow and work on my stuff". If I can truly detach emotionally and mentally I can build from there, and my actions will reflect my state of mind. It will make my interactions with my W much easier. It will make falling in love again possible. I don't know who with, maybe my W, maybe someone else.
For the kids, I just want them to be as happy as they can be given the circumstances. They need to see their Mom and their Dad. When I let go of my need for structure and planning things are a whole lot simpler, and things will work out fine.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
For the kids, I just want them to be as happy as they can be given the circumstances. They need to see their Mom and their Dad. When I let go of my need for structure and planning things are a whole lot simpler, and things will work out fine.
How do you get there ??
I don't want you to think I am asking you to move on, because that is the furthest thing from what I would ask you to do.
Would I be correct in thinking that you are only seeing things in Black and White ? That it has to be one way or another ?
I would like for you to think in terms of moving forward, for your self instead of moving on. Moving on sounds so final, and unapproachable. It sounds like you are done with things, and are actively seeking the next phase of your life, while throwing away the years that you have invested. Not a pleasant thought...
How many years were you married ?
What your spouse is gong through...what can you imagine that looking like ? From her perspective ?
I don't usually ask a poster to get too inside of their spouses head here, although I would like to hear what you think is happening...
As far as planning, I think that in this process, things tend to not , just work out.
I would advise you to try to separate the marital side of this, from the legal side of this for now. Protecting what is best should be number one for you. From what I am reading, it is.
You should protect your Children, Home, and Finances. That is way different from the marriage for now.
Maybe start with a plan for that. The rest will play out as it will. Don't let a fear of the marriage stop you from doing what is right.
I am going to ask Cadet to stop by with some resource links for MLC. I'm not saying she is or isn't. Although I would like you to at least read.
I just wanted to say hi for now. Hope you are having an UP day.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thanks for stopping by. Great mood today. Yesterday completed my 1,000th mile cycling so far this year, a full month ahead of schedule. Then 3 of the girls I rode with and I went to dinner, raising many an admiring glance from others in the restaurant. Be with my son tonight at Boy Scouts, then Saturday I fly with my daughter to Orlando for 4 days at Universal studios. Also feel myself getting stronger over detachment issues, getting ready to soar.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
This post deserves a considered response so I will ponder for a while, but in answer to one question, south of Ashland but not very far south. Ashland one of my frequent ports of call while cycling.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
