This is where you went wrong. You don't "compete" against OM. She has to prove that she's worthy of you. Not the other way around.
Home Run !
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Wow. Thanks for the posts. They are giving me confidence.
The last two days have been mini-victories for me.
On Memorial Day, I was taking the Ds to the beach. I threw out the comment she was welcome to join us if she wanted to. She said yes but she would take her own car. We ended up sitting next to each other for three hours just talking. No pursuing from me. No pressure. I had to fight the urge to ask about "us" many, many times, but I did it! She ended up staying the entire time. I think she wanted to take her own car so she could leave if I made her uncomfortable.
Today she had the oldest D setup a DVD player she got from her sister as it is her day with the Ds. She sent me a text asking if I could bring a DVD over for the girls to test the player after I was done working out. In the past, I would have rushed over there straight from work. Instead, I went home and messed around a bit, then mowed the yard. I got to her apartment and they were outside playing. They had just left the gym. I wonder why....
The DVD player she got was a piece of crap and didn't work. I told her I had to get something out of the car. I returned with my XBox that had been in my trunk when I moved out after finding out about the OM. It had been in my trunk for over a month. I set it up so my Ds would have some entertainment while with their mom. She invited me to stay for a bit. The old me would have jumped at the chance. I politely told her no because I had to go workout. She replied "I thought you already went to the gym." I told her no, I did yardwork after work. When I was leaving, she told me she made dinner for the girls earlier and asked if I wanted to stay a bit and eat. I told her no, I had to get going and left.
Also, she made chili on Sunday and told me she left some for me when she picked up our daughters this morning. (I am not there when she arrives as I leave for work early) I joked that if it passed my standards, maybe I would make something for her. She was overjoyed with this as I make a pasta dish she absolutely loves.
I feel like I am in control again.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
The next couple of months might be tough for me, or they could be good. I need to plan it out now the best I can to get the best results as there are a bunch of family events coming up.
Today my D4 graduates from VPK. The ceremony is this afternoon. D4 is very excited about today and both my wife and I will be there. I think (I know, stop trying to mind read), it will be a big dose of family for the W. I am going to just be a great Dad today. Take a bunch of pictures and shower my D4 with love.
After the ceremony, I was going to take all the Ds out of a celebratory dinner. I invite the W, right? Tonight is my night with the Ds and "her night" as she likes to refer to it.
This Sunday is D2's 3rd birthday. I invited the W to go shopping for presents on Saturday and she accepted. Do I ask her if she wants to grab dinner while we are out or should I say nothing unless she asks if we are going to stop to grab a bite?
Once I let go and started to GAL, my life was gotten easier. I wasn't sleeping, waking up at 4am everyday. I was never hungry. After I finally accepted where we were and honestly started to work on the 37 steps, I am better. I sleep until the alarm goes off again instead of waking up with my mind spinning. I am eating correctly again.
Stay strong. It gets easier.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
So either my GAL and going dim is working or I am screwing up and need to get back in line.
For the past 3 weeks, our contact has been minimal. The only time we would see each other is when exchanging the Ds. The first week was some texting, then nothing, still nothing.
However, since I offered to have her join us at the beach on Memorial Day, we have had contact daily.
Today we sat together and posed for pictures with D4 at her pre-school graduation. Good conversation. R or OM topic never came up.
Saturday we have plans to shop for presents for D2 for her birthday.
Sunday is D2 Birthday party at her apartment.
Is my GAL/dim working, or is she "checking her position" with me?
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Make note of how she's been acting but I think you should stay the course you've been on. When you go shopping for presents, mention that you're going to grab lunch/dinner somewhere (are you taking the Ds shopping as well so it's not just you and W? Then you could say "This was nice but I have to get going, I promised the girls I'd take them to (wherever) for dinner."). Wait and see what her reaction is to that before you ask her to join you if she wants.
Your post from last night does sound like your actions have been noticed. Just remember that the only thing of which you are "in control" is YOU.
Shopping will be just the W and me and happen around 7pm on Saturday night.
The W is also interviewing for a new job today. When she gets it, it will be a big accomplishment. She has been working on this new career choice for a few years. This position will be good for her with it being at a prestigious hotel.
Now is the part when I start thinking what she is thinking, etc (BAD, stop!): The A started shortly after she starting working. She met the OM at the building she worked. Her boss moved locations and she has been very "flexible" with her schedule. She wouldn't go to work or would leave early to do things with the OM. After she moved out the OM will hang out at her new work on his days off. She told me this weekend that she has been working a lot more lately because she has to pay her own bills now, which is good.
Besides being a great opportunity for her, this new job would be further away and be more of a job, she won't be able to get away with things she currently does. I believe this will give her a taste of reality and cut into the time she has with the OM. Could be a win/win for me.
ADVICE NEEDED When she gets the job, do I congratulate her and invite her out to celebrate or do I just congratulate her? I believe I will be the first call she makes after the interview and she called me first after they called her to setup the interview. I think it means I still matter to her.
ADVICE NEEDED D2 birthday this weekend. I have a large credit with FTD and was going to send the W flowers thanking her for our daughter. Bad idea correct? This day is about my D, not my wife. I am supposed to not do the ILYs and gifts.
Sorry I post so much, but I am the type that likes to talk things through and go over all scenarios so I am prepared.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
As for the job call - congratulator, validate her (for example, something like "that must feel great to have them tell you that you are the best one for the job! i'm really proud of you.") and do not invite her out to celebrate. If she suggests going out to celebrate, then you could be open to that.
DO NOT send the flowers to thank her for your D2. Keep it in mind for the future, though. If things were normal it would be a really nice gesture. Keep your focus on being an awesome dad to D2 - you're right, the day is about D2, not your W.
My GAL and her actions are about to cross paths and I don't know what to do.
There is a local country bar that I go to on my nights without my Ds. My W mentioned to me yesterday she was going to go there. I told her she would have a good time there. She asked me why I thought that. I told her because I was there a few weeks ago and it was fun. She asked me what I did, who I went with, etc.
This morning she texted me that she enjoyed it and will definitely go back.
I told her I had plans to go there next week. She said "Maybe I'll see you there. Lol".
I joked that we needed to setup a Visitation Agreement on this place.
So when I go next week, what do I do if she is there? Do I avoid her or do I spend time with her? What she wants right now is to go out and have fun. Do I show her my GAL while I am there? I have been taking dance lessons because it is something I have always wanted to go. Something we talked about doing in the past. Getting out on the dance floor would be a 180 for me.
Confused.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
I think you should go, but mostly stay with your own group. Go over and say hello -- maybe even buy her a drink (having the waitress bring it to you "from that gentleman over there") -- but do your own, GAL thing.
