Oh yes. Bring it on!! Lol. Yes I do like the pats on the back.. The hugs.. I won't lie. But I do need the hard questions that I am sometimes unable to see. Lol.
Ok.. This needs to be clarified. I wasnt down when I made the phone call. I was actually having a pretty good day (well.. Aside from the 2 demons that sometimes takes over my household). The reason i called was more.. Why couldn't I call? Nothing more.. Nothing less.
As for my goal of being done.. That has not been my goal throughout all this. I have really tried to find myself through this whole process. Who I am.. Why I do the things I do.. Why I feel the way I do.. I just meant I need to move forward. H has stressed over and over that that is what he wants.. I can not change that. Whether he decides to change his mind in the future is up to him. Maybe I will still be here.. Maybe I will not..no just need to start untangling the life we use to share in order to build a new one for myself and the kids.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Since when does calling a friend (male or female) mean that you *need* validation. Like Cadet said- isn't that what we were all looking for when we came here to the boards? I've never heard that humans were designed to be isolated people, we are social creatures by nature... so are we all needy? And if so, why is that wrong?
You have shown time and time again that you are able to stand on your own two feet and face your sitch with dignity. You have done A LOT of hard work on yourself and the M, and should feel proud that you can tell your kids "mommy tried". Isn't the point of all the introspections, effort and hard work to come out of it with a sense of self worth and what you value in yourself and a relationship? If after months of posting here (receiving validation from all of us, btw), self-reflection, 180's, GAL activities, even going to RV... you decided to call a friend (which I would call a 180 since it's out of your comfort zone)- wth is the problem??
I can completely understand the awkwardness and feeling nervous- after all, you said this wouldn't have happened in your M. Someone mentioned closing the door a little bit more on your M... is that what gives you hesitation? Any guilt that you may or may not have felt, is simply b/c you haven't fully chosen to move on yet. You've already admitted that you *think* you're done, which we all know means that you haven't put both feet into the water.... and that's ok! You're still standing on the edge thinking about what could be out there if you decide to let go.
I'll tell you this: when/if you decide that you've done what *YOU* can for your M, and you choose to move forward into a new life which is focused on you and your kids... it will be beautiful. You can choose to do it alone, or choose to have someone in it with you- either one isn't wrong. If you already know that you are a person who enjoys having someone to share in your activities and experiences...so be it. All of your hard work has led you to understand what you want from and for your life (whether that's in a M or not), and you have all the power to make that happen.
Whoever is blessed enough to be a part of your life, will have to be an incredible human being... because you're pretty m'fing special and you deserve nothing less than the best!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
"isn't that what we were all looking for when we came here to the boards?"
No. We come here for understanding. Not to have people agree with us. If we did that we wouldn't learn anything.
The only reason why I brought up the having someone in your life part was because you mentioned "guy" and that you were nervous. So usually that implies that you want to go out with him.
There's nothing wrong with that. Just be sure you're not going out with someone because you are dependent upon having a male in your life. That was my point. That's what happens in rebound relationships and why they don't usually last.
If you can be confident and say that you are fine with or without anyone, then you're in a good place.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I can see how some some people can interpret a female calling a male as pursuit, but this is not how I interpreted the post. (And when a girl calls a guy, it does not automatically mean she wants him)
I read it more as someone trying to do something out of her comfort zone. People can feel uncomfortable in a variety of situations...public speaking, talking to a stranger, dancing with a stranger, eating alone in a restaurant...you name it.
Maybe this is part of self-improvement, growth, whatever...but being able to do something that you feel uncomfortable doing, and coming out "alive" at the other end, not having made a fool of yourself, can be a pretty good feeling....even a feeling of accomplishment.
had our RV session on conflict resolution today. it was good. but i'm ready..
i've had a lot of little moments these past couple of weeks. looking back.. i see the changes.. the timeline.. it wasn't what i had thought.
although the bomb was dropped almost 8 months ago, in truth.. i have battling with things within my marriage for over 2 years. that was when i found out about the PA.. and subsequent EAs. at that time, we had committed to working on our marriage and attending MC. things seemed better.. but i believe a lot was never fully resolved.
i really struggled w/ trust. and although H at first made an effort to regain my trust.. it slowly faded where he retreated to doing his own thing again. the weight gain.. the low self worth.. and even when he hugged me.. kissed me.. or when we ML.. i felt myself retreating because i wondered if he was comparing me to someone else.
this last time with the bomb drop.. i felt utterly devastated and truly it has been the most difficult and lowest point in my life thus far. heartbroken.. dejected.. completely miserable and lost.. but through that.. i set out on a journey to find myself again. where and when was the vibrant, independent woman lost? how did i become a shadow of who i was?
this morning, after work, i was walking to my car and thinking to myself.. i am a 37 year old woman. i am a working professional raising 2 beautiful kids. i have friends and family who love me. i love who i have rediscovered. i am a caring, compassionate individual who truly feels no remorse for the choices i made in trying to save my marriage. i committed to the best of my abilities to fight for what i believed in and still believe in.
i harbour no ill will towards H. i love him. he is a good person. he needs to find himself.. and i love him enough.. and myself enough.. to wish him the very best.
i didn't know where this journey would lead me. i know i didn't think it would lead me here. but this is where i am.
several weeks ago, i went out for coffee with a guy friend. he is someone i was very close to many years ago. he is someone my mom thought i should have married. when we were sitting at coffee, i looked at him and thought.. you are cute. and you are a sweet and kind person.. you always have been. i just never saw it. ok.. before anyone starts going on about my need for validation etc.. no. i do not feel anything for him. i just recognized that the world is full of great men and women if are able to just look at them.. truly look at them.
i focus on the male relationships i have on the db boards because it is something different from when i felt M. i go for coffee w/ my girlfriends all the time. but when i speak about the male companionship.. it is merely because it is something different from how things have been.
i am not closing my heart off to H. like i said, i do love him. we are intricately entwined by the kids and 12 years of being together. but i am moving forward.. and not feeling guilty for moving away from him. i want him to be happy. i want to be happy too.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
BF, when you know, you know. Good for you for doing the hard work of self discovery and working to save your M. You will always be respected for the choices you have made and the effort you have placed in seeing things through to their natural conclusions.
I wish you the best and pray that you find happiness again. And you will find that happiness. Of that I'm sure.
God bless!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
It's so weird how pain can be such a teacher. It's like lifting weights or going for that extra mile in a run. Only when we move out of our comfort zones can we truly challenge ourselves to grow and achieve more.
It's awful that our situations are so painful but it's also amazing to see the emotional strength that grows within us to deal, face and move forward from these circumstances. These circumstances do not define us. Our response does. I agree with all your positive affirmations you mention above!! Hope you have a great day!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
