i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.

[hopeless in wa]

you are doing it for your family. Your kids. Hang in Chris((((()))))

[adinva]

I like how you were able to comfort yourself Chris! You are awesome!

[labug]

Have you ever read Weniki Tiki's thread in MLC, she does stand-up paddleboarding.

Did you read How to Improve your Marriage....? That book really opened my eyes to how we expect our partners (M or F) to think the way we do when it really just isn't in the DNA to do that.

I know that doesn't help in the middle of the night with a crying child but it point out to the pitfalls I had allowed myself to fall into.

D is lucky to have you for a mom! I'm lucky to have you for a friend.

And your H is lucky too.

[ces67]

You're the anchor your kids need to feel secure and you're doing AWESOME at it! Keep the focus on being better for you. You've got some good insights into managing yourself! IMO, we can't stop the emotionals that flow up & down in our sitchs, we can only learn to recognize them and respond in ways that help us more than in the past.

You're really doing that! (((BF)))

[robb]

labug, is this the book you are talking about?

http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-W...3914&sr=1-1

Have you ever read Weniki Tiki's thread in MLC, she does stand-up paddleboarding.

Did you read How to Improve your Marriage....? That book really opened my eyes to how we expect our partners (M or F) to think the way we do when it really just isn't in the DNA to do that.

I know that doesn't help in the middle of the night with a crying child but it point out to the pitfalls I had allowed myself to fall into.

D is lucky to have you for a mom! I'm lucky to have you for a friend.

And your H is lucky too.

[labug]

Yes, the title's too long to type out. I should shorten it to HTIYMWTAI.

In my Top 5 relationship books.

[RoRoinMD]

Chris, you know I feel the same way most of the time: WTH am I doing?

Actually, I think you're doing great. You're able to express yourself more than you would have done otherwise. You let yourself cry, then went and did something good for yourself. Way to go!

I am so proud of you for continuing the RV stuff, even when you sometimes probably want to quit! Keep going. Your kids are a lucky bunch!

[sayitaintso]

so what did i do to make myself feel better? well.. i had a good cry. and then i went and purchased a deal for a 1 hr stand-up paddle surfing course.

^^^^^^AWESOME!!!!!

[BFloat]

ok peeps.. update on the sitch.

RV continues.. this week's topic was intimacy. awkward? yes. difficult to face up to? yes.

things have been up and down for H and i. we had done some dialogue earlier in the week about trust and forgiveness. it did not go well. and today.. we had an interesting talk.

my mom is having a lunch on saturday for the anniversary of her H's death a year ago (it's an asian thing). i asked H if he wanted to go and he had said.. "i'll get back to you?". as for RV dialogue.. i asked H if he wanted to do some dialogue this week and he said he didn't know.. the topics were deep and he felt like i was trying to change him.

so in the end.. this is what our discussion ended with.. he is coming to lunch at my mom's (he stated he understood if i didn't want him there and i said i wouldn't have mentioned it if i didn't want him to come). as for RV.. i had said that i didn't want to continue w/ RV because i didn't want to continue w/ RV and continue to put myself out there if there was already a set agenda. after much discussion.. i left the decision up to him. he said he didn't know where it will lead but he wanted to continue the journey we started.

forgive.. it's 350am. i am on break at work.

LA - yes i have read wen's thread.. it always sounded so cool so i jumped at the chance to try it out!

thanks everyone.. for the love and support. it's nice not to feel alone.

[BFloat]

i think i'm just about done.

i've spent the last couple of weeks really trying to just sort myself.. where i'm at.. how i'm feeling..

it's been really challenging. doing the RV dialoguing.. but i think i'm just about done.

i don't feel angry. i feel sad. but i'm ok. i really loved him. and in truth, i probably always will. but it's different. when i think about us... the innocence of that love.. that marriage.. is gone. i have been hurt so much the past few years w/ the infidelity, his leaving.. even now. his lack of commitment.. his choice of not being married.. i feel.. it is what it is.

i can not control how he feels. i can not make him be happy w/ this life. there's so much going on in my head and i don't know how to get it down in words.

i did something today that seemed so trivial but in hindsight.. i see the significance. i called a guy friend today. and i was nervous. how dumb! lol. but i think part of the reason why i felt nervous was that i was doing something out of my comfort zone. i should clarify.. i did not call him with the intention of pursuing.. yes i think he's cute.. but i think a lot of guys are cute.. it was the fact that it was a step forward for me. and something i would not have done if i felt M.

i keep thinking about the leona lewis song.. happy. i just want to be happy. i want that for H too. he is a good guy.

i can't write anymore. i'm all over the place. more emotions than words right now. i need a hug.