New Day Rising

[job]

GWN,
Nice email, but I would change it a bit because I've been where you are now and it's going to go right over his head because they can't focus on a of written words.

If it were me, I would do the following:

1. remove the 2nd, 3rd and 4th paragraphs. You will get an opportunity to say all of this to him later. Right now, it's strictly business in getting the boat and his belongings removed.
2. You say that you've already made plans for Saturday...are you giving him permission to come into the residence and take his things? Don't say take "everything"...he just might leave you w/nothing in the way of furniture, etc. Just say your belongings or things.
3. If he doesn't change his mailing address, just place "return to sender" on the mail. You do not need to advise him again after your email.

Keep the email short and sweet and business-like for now.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I agree with Snodderly.

[greatwhitenorth]

OK....I'll defer to your wise selves.

How about this:

"H

I hope you're well too.

Unfortunately Saturday is impossible as I have plans already.

Please be prepared to take the rest of your things next time you come to the house.

As for the boat, whatever you need to do."

I was hoping that his behaviour (flirting and such) the last couple of times I saw him were indications that maybe he was changing his mind, but I guess not. C'est la vie.

I will tell him the rest when he comes to the house. In the mean time, I'll box up all the odds and ends so he can just take them from the garage.

Stamp of approval?

[~ kd ~]

Personally, I exclude pleasantries, as well.

My W just sent me a long email about some event for D9 that I had been unable to schedule (it's quite an early morning which D9 is not good at and quite a distance to get to) and included an antagonistic "I'm sure this email will probably piss you off".

All I responded was, "If you and friend can work out getting D9 to the event, I will pick D9 up from event."

As short and concise as possible so they can understand. No more, no less. Even skip filler words if possible...

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks for your thoughts, KD.

Apart from his spewing early on, there hasn't been any animosity between H and me. Probably because we have no kids and so don't see each other or communicate unless he is coming to the house to pick things up. So to exclude the pleasantry would feel....passive aggressive? Intentionally hurtful?

And I do hope he's doing OK. Once his heart has healed maybe he'll be able to pull his head out of his ar$e. Heh heh.

[greatwhitenorth]

Sent my reply.

"Hi H. I'm doing great, thanks, and hope you are too. Saturday afternoon doesn't work as I already have plans. Could you please be prepared to take the last of your things next time you're here? All the best. W"

I didn't mention the boat.

But you know, I give my head a shake sometimes when the whole situation snaps through, kind of like an old slide projector reel where I picture myself at BD and then the moments forward from that. Absolutely wailing in the backyard on the phone with my sister. StepD sobbing at my dining room table when she realized what her father had done. Learning how to frame and insulate a basement (still haven't cleaned up the job site). Having to replace a sump pump. Using the snow blower for the first time. The dark times when I contemplated ending the pain for good. Buying an air pistol because I was so scared out here by myself and had no idea how I'd protect myself if I had to (the airforce base commander who was convicted of rape and murder, among other things, was fresh in everybody's mind and the headlines). And so on. And at those times I wonder WHY WHY WHY I am entertaining the idea of reconciling a marriage to someone who had complete and total disregard for me. Why?

Is it because I love my husband, which I do, and loved the great life I thought we were building together? I forgive him for what he did, as in I no longer wish him harm or dwell on the monumental cruelty with which he treated me when he knew full well what I'd be stuck with on his departure. Forgiveness doesn't mean what he did was alright.

I have never unleashed on him. Ever. Maybe I should have.

He lies with ease to protect himself, betrays seemingly without a second thought, and hides who he is from everybody. But before I knew this, and before he did what he did, he treated me well. He just didn't share of himself, with anybody as it turns out. I believe he's capable of changing, but I also believe he's too scared so he won't. He'll just keep on running.

One of the canned knobs of bs he said to me was "I stopped growing as a person, we stopped growing as a couple," whatever that means. I know with absolute and profound certainty that this whole experience has made me grow as a person in ways I never thought I would have to.

I wonder if H has grown, but somehow I doubt it. Things need light to grow, and light doesn't shine on things that hide. So to speak.

And in the amount of time it took me to write this, he has replied. "Hi W. When are you free so I can move the boat and also free so I can pick up the last of my stuff. Glad you are doing well. H"

He can wait for my reply.

[AJM]

Might I suggest that you love the person you knew and maybe that is not your husband at this point? Just a thought..

As for the rest? I'd wait until tomorrow to respond. No need to respond now.

Knowing what I know now vs. then? I can almost guarantee you he will not remember the bad things he said or did? Even now he's looking for a reason it's you and not him. He admitted he has a problem. He stopped growing. He knows he needs to though. He has no choice... grow or die.

Let him go in peace. Find a way.

AJ

[greatwhitenorth]

Might I suggest that you love the person you knew and maybe that is not your husband at this point?

That's the kicker, AJ. Not sure I ever really knew him because he admittedly hid SO MUCH from me.

Let him go in peace. Find a way.

AJ

I pretty much have. As I said, I love him and wish him no harm. And i have very much gotten on with my life. Not looking forward to the bill once the boat sells though, especially with joblessness staring me in the face.

[4myfamily]

Hi GWN these are some of the things I believe I have learned:

I feel I have given all I can, and said all I can say, done all I could and found eventually that I have no control over anything except my own thoughts and actions.

The person I fell in love with and pursued for 20+ years was just an illusion.

I could wait to find out who she really is in the hope I could have the great relationship I always wanted.

Or,

I could learn the lessons, take control of my life, make the changes in myself I must make, and pursue a different life.

However I still care for her and am concerned that she may never find that one person who will 'accept her unconditionally and without recrimination no matter what she has said or done', who will finally make her happy.

[AJM]

GWN, having looked at bankruptcy, seriously, many times, I hear ya. It's not a fun idea coupled with facing it alone because of the former partner's decisions (which we didn't control).

Does that about sum it up? Because if it does, then you will need to figure out that you're going to face what comes, and overcome it, regardless. But I get that you aren't looking forward to it. Kind of like looking forward to a colonoscopy right?

4m - can I say you have some ways to go still? I read that and saw the incongruities. That's a pretty serious ego that wants to be the one to 'make her happy' as if she couldn't be happy with somebody else. She and she alone can make herself happy. Nobody else can nor should be in that position. That's not healthy.

You could wait. But what is it you would be waiting for? To find out that you still need to do some work?

AJ