This is my journey

[Brit45]

Okay Grace you get the award for making me cry. I feel good right now but fragile.
Trust me you don't want to know her plans not right now not while you're not grounded. Otherwise you'll be like me yesterday standing in a field of horse sh&t (literally) crying and screaming.

I would say don't focus on how that impacted your M focus on why you did that. You already said that when you look back it was silly so maybe look deep into why you thought she would leave you and why you be and fixated with other people. And see if this is something you did in other relationships as well.

You are amazing with the NC.

[needgrace]

i hope it was a good cry Brit.

i reached a point today where i wanted to apologize to my W for not loving her enough to care about her happiness and let go. i realized that much of my holding on (really it was grabbing/grasping on) was selfish, based on my fears and needs.

i spent some time crying but it was a good crying. i am more honestly aware of my faults, not as it was in the past, in a frantic effort to get her back, but in a true humility and desire to change.

and as part of that change, i will not contact her to apologize now. i know too well that i can not trust myself to do it without expectations.

her sister contacted me last week about getting together this week. i love her sis and want to see her, but i am concerned that it is to serve me (she may think it is better for her to do it, than someone else) and i am also concerned about how i will handle the contact emotionally. anyone have advice on if i should see her?

[Brit45]

You could prepare yourself for either scenario.

I don't know. If you think you can't handle it don't do it. You have to make choices for you I think.

[Valeska19]

NG,
I know you're scared. There was a time when I did everything I could to stop the D train. That included avoiding things that were "opportunities" to have it happen.

I could not. The only thing that I accomplished I was slowing it down to a pace where I could think rationally and handle it.

If you cannot handle seeing your SIL, then by no means don't. But this is a big opportunity to act as if and to challenge your own growth.

Other than my close friends - When I see mutual friends of My w's and I - I speak kindly of my w. Sometimes I surprise myself considering at times she pisses me off beyond belief... lol

But that is part of me accepting the status quo and it doesn t come naturally at first.

You gotta work at it. Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if YOU think her choice is wrong or hurtful, it's her's to make. Focusing on your opinion of her choice... only makes it more hurtful for YOU.

And honestly - let's say you do meet your SIL and for some reason you fall apart...

..that's okay too.

When I'm fearful on if I'm strong enough or can handle this or that - my sister always challenges me. She always says..

"You'll never know where you are in your journey or what work is left to do until you get out there and test the waters".

Failure is an opportunity for growth if you chose it to be.

((( )))

[Brit45]

it doesn't matter if YOU think her choice is wrong or hurtful, it's her's to make. Focusing on your opinion of her choice... only makes it more hurtful for YOU.

This is really powerful. I like this.

[needgrace]

When I'm fearful on if I'm strong enough or can handle this or that - my sister always challenges me. She always says..

"You'll never know where you are in your journey or what work is left to do until you get out there and test the waters".

Failure is an opportunity for growth if you chose it to be.

Thank you again, Val. Your insight continues to inspire and amaze me. Thank you for challenging me.

I have a tendency to avoid and have difficulty discerning where it is healthy and where it is limiting. I was leaning towards meeting with her and your message helped me decide to do so. I do want to test myself w/ my SIL, and if I fail it is an opportunity as well.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Val! ((( )))

[needgrace]

“Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that's all that's happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness--life's painful aspect--softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody's eyes because you feel you haven't got anything to lose--you're just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We'd be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn't have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together.”
― Pema Chödrön

Good morning DB friends,

I feel peaceful and grateful this morning.

I had a tough time sleeping last night and had some bad dreams, but I also had a moment of clarity.

For a second I thought what it would be like to lose my health...

Each moment that I worry about my M, I lose a moment where I could experience the beauty of what I do have.... my health, my friends, my family, the beauty of nature around me, the ability to exercise, the compassion of this board and my own growth. I know it sounds like common sense but I realized more deeply last night that at any moment I could lose any of these things... i realized that it in a moment my ability to bicycle along the beach could disappear and how sad i would be that i wasted time worrying about what i don't have right now (My M) instead of enjoying what I do.

[Brit45]

This is a really beautiful post and very true. When all this started, I had a therapist list off everything going right in my life and tell me this was a only one aspect.

The pain, the sadness, the hurt, the regret it can engulf us. But losing ourselves in a relationship whether it's during the happy or the bad times prevents you from fully living your life.

Good luck with the lunch with SIL

[unbidden]

Bravo, NG. Well said. Really thoughtful and inspiring.

[needgrace]

Thank you Brit and Unbidden.

My SIL was not available last night and wants to get together next week. I feel good about it.

I am not as afraid of being served. Once I am, there are still 6 months before the D can be final. I feel more peaceful now with whatever comes.

It feels as if I were wounded and all my attention was sucked up in the wound, much like how our immune system responds immediately with swelling and antibodies to a physical wound.

My emotional wound is starting to heal so I am no longer totally focused on the wound, I can put my attention elsewhere....into other people, my own growth and into the beauty around me.

This weekend would have been my wonderful dog's 16th birthday. (He passed away last August.) Every Memorial Day, we would have a big pool party to celebrate his birthday and the start of summer. (He LOVED to swim and he LOVED parties.)

I am continuing the tradition this year in his honour this Sunday. I am sure I will have moments where I miss him and moments when I miss my W, but I am excited about the party. It is also my opportunity to thank all of my friends for their love and support as I have been focused on my own wound for so much of the past months.

I was thinking today that many of my friends do not understand why I am standing and think it is a sign of weakness, as if I can't get over W. I have stopped talking to them about it as they do not understand and I probably wouldn't either if I were in their shoes.

I think they were right at first, that it was connected with fear and weakness. Now, I believe the opposite, that I am standing (most moments, not all) from a place of strength. It would be easy to move on and find someone to distract me but it is not what I vowed or what I believe in and it doesn't get me to where I want to be...a healthier person ready for a healthier relationship with myself and others.

I laugh at myself and all my notes around my house (I use post-its to put positive quotes on mirror/microwave/fridge, etc. I do need to hide them before the party so my friends don't think I am crazy....) but they help..

My quote for today: "I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us." Anne Lamott