Free, Free, Set Them Free

[labug]

zig, I have to read that several times-thanks (())

2, the dog appreciates the attention.

I told him it was from Uncle 2.

[zig]

sure labug - I hope you have a peaceful calm night and wake up tomorrow feeling centered again.:)

[Brit45]

Bug, you are always there for me and I just read this and thought I should comment. I wonder long after the spearation or the bomb we continue to feel the ripples of hurt. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

I completely agree with your statement about how maybe this is them without you filling in the spaces and smoothing over cracks. My H said he was a better person for knowing me but he doesn't seem to have kept some lessons. Someone not on this board told me when you're in love it tolerates, accepts, and has compassion but as you begin to detach you see them without those eyes.

But I don't think you should feel that he was never who you thought he was. Both of you...all of are different people than we were a year ago even a week ago. Another good quote "no man can walk into the same river twice for he is a different man and it is a different river"

And whatever's happened it's not a reflection on you or your judge of character. That's what I try to tell myself

[BFloat]

bugsy.. i hate reading that you're having a rough patch. but i know it's something we must all go through.

"I need to learn that lesson. That maybe he never was that person I thought he was. This is him stripped of my filling in the empty spaces, making excuses, smoothing the rough spots."

i have been wondering this myself. that perhaps H was trying to be this person he thought i wanted and who he is now is the real him. i don't know. but the only thing i think we can do is continue figuring out who we are aside from our Hs. maybe who we were in the M was us trying to be who we thought they wanted us to be. and now.. as we strip away the empty spaces they filled.. we're slowly discovering ourselves?

i don't know. ((((( )))))

[labug]

Thanks everyone and the moral of the story is: don't jump to conclusions. As it turns out I didn't have all the facts before I made a judgment and got myself all twisted up.

This was something H had agreed to do with S19 and when I got home from work it seemed to have not happened. I had emailed H all the specifics but since he has now chosen not to respond to emails, I didn't know what was happening.

I did later learn that he had kept his word and done what he had agreed to do. I'm so glad I didn't email him in a fit of anger.

Thanks for all the support, I'm on a more even keel today.

[labug]

And I can't emphasize this enough, this is at the heart of DB, and at the heart of living a full life, especially if you've lived your life as a controlling-fixer :

This is the hard part, watching while others make their choices, albeit a great exercise in letting others live their life.

When I stop to think about "what is upsetting to me about this or that situation?" the answers is often that I have no control over it.

I fear the unknown.

[needgrace]

This is the hard part, watching while others make their choices, albeit a great exercise in letting others live their life.

When I stop to think about "what is upsetting to me about this or that situation?" the answers is often that I have no control over it.

I fear the unknown.

So true, Bug, so true.

My C told me, and I think it is true for many of us here, that I am a high achiever, that what makes me that way is that I do not give up, I know I can find a solution if I think/try long enough...

But it is also a way of keeping myself away from the fear of uncertainty, which I hate, hate, hate!!! (Did I say that hate it? I do ) I know that I need to learn how to live with the uncertainty of life and not fight so hard to control it, that to fight it means to lose the moment.. to not enjoy where I am, right now...to brace myself against the bad, closes me off at times to the good.

While we think we are fighting for our M here, I wonder if we are fighting for something much much bigger and greater, to sit in the uncertainty that is life without fear.

I know that I used my M as a way to avoid the fear that is life itself. It was my safety, my certain, unchanging thing that I could count on, my rock...

I had a therapy session in which I did a visualization and the therapist had me visualize my depression and loss and I saw myself in a dark, deep swirling body of water fighting to keep my head above the water, exhausted and scared. She told me to stop fighting. I was crying and scared, but I trusted her so I did as she said and surprisingly, I started to float. She had my Mother come to me in the image and say something. My Mother said, "This is where you need to be."

The anxiety I was experiencing lessened significantly after that session.

Maybe the big lesson in life, is to learn how to float.

((( ))) to you Bug. Thank you for helping me grow by sharing your life here.

Way easier said than done...

[labug]

Maybe the big lesson in life, is to learn how to float.

Yes, I do believe you're right.

We can only save ourselves.

[heartbrokeinsd]

bug- i am glad to hear you evened out. you had me worried. on what grace said. it makes sense. here is a true story about me when my W was pregnant with my son.

a group of friends and us went out to this dam. it was hot and sunny. we used to slide down the dam like a water slide. so we were having some drinks, playin in the water and decided to go for a slide. it had been a rainy year, but we never thought about it. young and dumb.

me, my friend and this girl were on top. she went first. we saw her struggling in the bottom so we went down. we are bigger than her. when we hit the bottom we got sucked into the washing machine. it was insane. i kept trying to swim out. i am a strong swimmer, but not stronger than that water. i fought and fought to come up for air and just survive. i kept barely coming up and was losing strength. i didnt think i could keep going. i had a shirt on(covers up some tattoos that i wasnt proud of, they have since been covered up) and when i came up to breathe it went over m mouth and nose. thats when i knew i was finished. i gave up. i couldnt go on. when i stopped fighting, the water kicked me out the bottom. i lay in the shallow water gasping. all i could think was, why did i fight? if i would have trusted god and let the water do it's thing this would have ended sooner.

it is a natural reaction to fight against what scares us. i was so afraid of dying that day. when i accepted that i might die, i lived. there was a happy ending. i get caught up in what is in front of my face and forget what i know. thank you grace for that reminder.

bug, i know you are smart and you know what to do. it is hard. when you hold a pebble to your eye, it looks HUGE. when you set it down and dont focus on it, it isnt that big after all. i dont know if that makes sense. im thinkin of you!

[Brit45]

I'm so glad I didn't email him in a fit of anger.

It's funny how much we resist it and yet patience keeps proving itself time and again. If we just wait and be still we can certainly make a more informed decision.

In this case I'm happy things worked out for you.