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You are still rushing in when you have a good sign ie him letting you lay beside him. You are chasing and that only makes people run away. I know it isn't what you want but quit trying to make things happen.

How is he ever going to chase you if you are constantly at his heels?


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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Anything new? No chasing right?


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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I would go ahead and make plans to fix the house up to sell, and inform him you need his help. It may take something like that to trigger him. Continue as if you are moving forward.

Originally Posted By: LIO
I said hello this morning, tried to kiss his head (something he allowed several times this week before), and he asked about the paperwork. Then told me on Monday he will serve me.
So maddening. I'm probably pushing too much.

I asked for some money later today. I didn't want to, but two months of him not helping finanically, nor paying any money for kiddo is hurting a bit.

Advice needed:

Every night I sleep in our bed upstairs... Every night so far he sleeps downstairs. We own our home, but this was the year we were supposed to sell (we were on a 5 year plan to live here). We both hate the house.... So should I continue with my plan to fix and put the house up for sale this summer (with his permission), would that hurt the possibility of him coming back?

I have a tendency to rush things... He wants me to sell the home. I want to, but I also want a consistent place for s, and maybe for h to realize he should come back to... Yes I can afford it, but only if h is paying me c.s. It's tight.

I get the feeling that h is just regarding me as a formallity. Someone he can easily just go on ignoring indefinitely. Our schedules over the last 2 years lent themselves to that. It seems like he can just find a replacement activity or person for me, and focus all his energy into that instead of fixing anything with me. It's easier for him to "start over" with no strings.
Does anyone have experience with that? I'm struggling today emotionally...


Me:53
W:50
M:29 years
T: 30 years
Children: S21, D12
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Big events this weekend.
Today was move out day...
It sucked... kind of.

Today I sent my S (5) is now on his way to visit Gma and Gpa 2 states away. I thought it would be best if he weren't here. I've never been apart from him.

Last night, H came to me saying that:
"I've cheated 2 times in 13 years, the problem IS YOU (Lio)" and that "You (Lio) try to justify what I did (the cheating), you try to make it into something else" (note: which I didn't... I never gave him excuses, or reasons of his own behavior. I asked why - but never talked to him about my thoughts on why - or even gave him a reason in my own head). I told him "Oh no, I don't justify it - I think you are an [swearword] for putting me through that. I hate that you did that and I do not want to be cheated on ever. I hate that you lied. I hate that you felt the need to do that instead of telling me what you needed. And worst of all, I hate that you didn't spend time with me when I needed you to. I don't justify it at all, but I think that it something that needs to be looked at by YOU on why you did it."

He came up and initiated sex this morning. For the first time in 3 months.

I did initially flip out and have a crazy moment when he started packing and moving his stuff downstairs. Then I realized that that is NOT the behavior I want to exhibit. So I started helping him pack. He said "I don't need your help". I left the box upstairs for him to take down.

I mentioned before, I feel he projects his feelings onto me (and others). I learned:
1) In the past he mentioned my 'crappy' job (which I never said). Translation: He is unhappy with his situation in life with work (confirmed directly this morning)
2) He said that I justify his cheating (I didn't do, didn't say). Translation?: He is unhappy he cheated, he tries to say it doesn't bother him and he justified it and now can't deal with that. I didn't 'punish' him enough I guess.... in his eyes.
3) Today he said He HATES our house. Wants me to get rid of it (I think he is using this as a reason to force me to change our living situation). I think if we ever reconciled, he would never come back to this house.
3) Today He backslid from going gangbusters on divorce (he said "I just need to take some time I don't want to keep doing this circle. Right now, this is all I can do to change it")
His tone was nicer today.

We goofed off for 10 minutes with one of his toys inside, and talked a bit outside. I only opened the truck door for him later. The extent of my 'helping'.


Standing outside between his moving boxes, I heard from him:

that he was frustrated with work and that while the people were nice and he liked the job, he can't advance. He's stuck. He's working on side projects, but doesn't know if they will succeed. He wants to make more money, but doesn't feel like he can.

He hates the house... he feels stuck.


He agreed that his work schedule created a big barrier between "us". I said, "I know it might be hard for you to change it, but it really hurt us and put us here, and it doesn't give you opportunity to work on your business goals". I don't know if he can change it - but he knows if he wants to come back and still works there - it doesn't work especially since S will be starting school (during the hours H was home) and he isn't able to connect with us.

Just as he left, He did tell me that he would help me get the house ready, to call him for help. He said he would be here more than he has been to do things with S (and me). He did also tell me to get a list of 5 things on my own business that I was working on ready for him and that he would help me.

I did stupidly(??) says (I thought he needed to hear me say we needed him and that I heard his 'stuck' concerns): " I get you are frustrated and feel stuck. I think maybe you feel like a fresh start would help. I want you to be successful in your business, in your career, and of course, here with us. I hope you can see that I want to work with you, but I don't want to make things worse and tell you what to do. Bottom line is I need you here, our S needs you home at night. I'm letting you go because ultimately I feel we will be together the rest of our lives, and this will be a blip in our timeline. You need space. But if/when you do come back. COME Back. not like the in and out the year before. We always are a good team together, and we can strategize our next plan."

He still has stuff here. He "couldn't" fit it all in his truck (well.... he could have but said he couldn't). I don't even think he has furniture (or that he will even get any).

Even though he is 'gone', it seemed like he is still maybe leaving the door open?
I am not pursuing H now. Without S here this week, I don't know if H will be here - but I would be interested to see how long H stays over this week.

Finally, he is always mentioning how he wants me to do my business. Like all the time mentioning it. I guess I ought to work on that then. Maybe if I show I'm successful at that, it will give him hope, and as it's creative, we can connect over the creative part of it. Worst case, it gives me a income wink


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
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Re this:
"Just as he left, He did tell me that he would help me get the house ready, to call him for help. He said he would be here more than he has been to do things with S (and me). He did also tell me to get a list of 5 things on my own business that I was working on ready for him and that he would help me."

That was all him. I didn't prompt him at all. I didn't ask for help. I didn't bring up any of this.
Maybe a little flicker of a lightbulb from him on what he is going to miss?


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
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Originally Posted By: LIO
Maybe a little flicker of a lightbulb from him on what he is going to miss?


Or guilt?

I am not trying to squash your hope but I also don't want you to mind read.

I am tellng you though but you won't do it. The best course of action is to detach from him and place no weight in his words.

Get your own life and don't allow him to help you unless it is what he legally should be contributing.

make yourself independent of him and live your life like he is not coming back.

I know this seems counterintuitive but really he wants separation and so he will get it whether you agree or not, so agree.

Throw down your guns.

There will be no one to fight. When he is not fighting you.

Maybe

Maybe

He may see that you are a woman worth pursuing.

Anything short of that. Him coming to you. Is a fools compromise and you will not be satisfied with your bargain.

There is time for compromise and its when he wants to gain back ground on the way back toward you. Until then.

Keep your distance. Protect yourself.


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
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Yes, I have lots of experience in mind-reading wink Bad habit to break!

I am posting here to keep from calling H. Now would be the time he'd usually get home - first night apart. Yikes.

I was feeling really good earlier. Like a vacation from emotional drama. I had passing thoughts about how I don't need to worry about what he is up to, who he is talking to, and what I could expect in tone/actions when I saw him. Now I'm feeling the quietness...

Time for some music and sleep instead wink


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: Apr 2012
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Today's Journal:
No calls from me, no emails, no texts. yea! Day 1 a success.
I ended up writing "myself" emails when I felt like emailing. I realized everything I wrote already had been said or written before.

Received call from H early in the morning. He sounded excited, and told me about S's phone call. Then mentioned how he took money out for me, and his plans for the day and that we would meet up later today for the $. I said "oh that's great! How's your new apartment? Like it? (he did). Miss me yet? (nope)" He asked if I missed him. I ignored it and jokingly said "Oh don't worry, you will miss me!". (not going to go that route again!) Then the conversation turned back to the $ he got.

M: "Good! that should cover the first month"
H: "What? I can't afford to pay you that amount each month, what bills of mine are you paying?"
I very nicely and calmly ran down the list of our S's bills and our credit card bills (not including our house or utilities) that the amount covered.
H: started to sound pissed. "Well, we will have to figure out when we can meet up. I'll call later"
M: Okay, sounds like a plan! Have a good day today. Talk to you later. (trying to stay upbeat without too chipper).

No more contact from H today.

Yikes... so today was a learning day. Oh well. Guess he didn't really do his budget with the C.S., the credit card and our son's school bill. Even though he did have a copy of the amounts 2 months ago, apparently at 33 years old, he is now experiencing what bills are. That was my fault for letting him get away with that in the past. He knows now, so hopefully future conversations won't have to be about money. Very awkward.

I'm delving into the MLC section. I read a post by Kaffe Diem about WAS and MLC in I believe Netmaster's thread, and the wording and actions of H are sounding like a MLCer.

Off to the gym! I'm down 2 pounds for a total of 22 since bomb #2 02/15. Primarily through stress, but I'll take the loss wink

My estimate is that I'll be in tip top shape in 5 months at this rate. Generally the start of H's usual down swing. I'm not putting deadlines on this whole situation, but at least I have a goal for 5 months from now that involves myself!


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
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Also Been thinking a lot about TrueGritter's post today.

Whenever I wanted to email something to tell H how angry I was, I heard "Throw down your guns" in my head.
"Keep your distance" and Kat with her "you are pursuing!"

Reread my thread last night too - thank you for everyone who posts in here. I truly appreciate it, and it's so helpful to go back and reread all the advice that I didn't do, or couldn't do - and now try to put it in practice, as my emotions aren't running so high.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
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Originally Posted By: LIO

Off to the gym! I'm down 2 pounds for a total of 22 since bomb #2 02/15. Primarily through stress, but I'll take the loss

Good for you, LIO! smile Even if it's through stress, it's not a bad thing to capitalize on. smile

Originally Posted By: LIO

Miss me yet? (nope)"

I think you're learning this, but it's best to avoid this type of question right now. You're probably going to get the same answer every time regardless of what he's feeling.

Good for you for following the others' advice and holding back on the flamemail. It doesn't do anything productive for you and it just makes you miserable anyway.


BITS
Me:46 / W:47 / M:19 / T:21 / S13
Bomb#1: 5/8/2008
MC: 5/2008 - 4/2010
Bomb#2: 2/10/2011
W moves out 5/7/2011

'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' - Matt. 19:26
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