wow! i can't believe i was actually locked out of my last thread before i had a chance to start a new one. lol. my perfectionist ways is having a hard time wrapping my head around this one.
so it's been weird. i have been txting H good night (it's my RV challenge of changing a behaviour). it usually results in us having a back and forth until i say.. "well.. good night". and the other day, H really annoyed me. and i had to remember that he is free to make his choice. then i was done w/ being annoyed. lol
we have not been doing our RV dialogue. we are supposed to be doing it everyday but it's rather challenging when you don't live together. and trying to do it over the phone proved to be unsuccessful. tues and wed night D wanted to call H to say good night and both nights he was asleep and didn't hear the phone ringing.
so last night i asked if he wanted to come over for dinner tonight and we could do our dialogue in person. i wasn't really sure if H would show but he did. and the minute he walked through the door.. he started crying. and he was holding the kids.. and they were asking.. why are you sad daddy. i asked if he was ok and he surprisingly said no an started sobbing. so i left him be.
afterwards, i asked how his dad was and he got teary again telling me that the cancer might be back. in the end, i gave him a hug and then i left the room. it truly pains me to see him hurting. then i made us tea. random? lol
my daughter was looking at a photo of me on our wedding day and said "mommy's a princess! mommy's so beautiful. i go show daddy" and then she did. i secretly laughed to myself!
anyway.. a couple of new things.. our dialogue was really good. insightful. we even reminisced about our "first" wedding (it's a long story). S5 sent me a song that H had obviously helped him make. the song says.. i love you mommy.. and it's some weird r & b beat.. so cute.. i loved it!! H use to do things like this for me a looooooong time ago. this is definitely my LL. and then when he left.. he said.. "text me later?". now i realize this sounds really insignificant and it probably is. i'm just taking notes... because we use to say "call me later?".. "text me later?" when things were good and we wanted to hear from the other person. for months now.. it has just simply been an awkward.. "bye".
i really don't know what's going on. but the reality is that i don't care so much today. i think.. it is what it is. i am continuing on my journey.. and i am good. i'm fine. more than fine.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I'm happy to hear that you have had good dialogue with your H. I hope it continues!
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
ok.. it's been a while. i thought it was time for an update.
things have been up and down to say the least. H has been around a lot more lately and it's really unsettling. he's either just.. hanging around.. or he vanishes. to sum it up.. we've had some really good dialoguing sessions. where he says he doesn't feel as trapped.. and questioning his decisions and his choices. said he wants to go back to IC because it really helps him explore and question some of the things he questions.
as for me.. through dialoguing.. i have been able to voice things i might not otherwise say. like how i am very apprehensive about trusting him. we don't discuss why.. just my feelings behind it.
and then the other day.. i just went on a complete rant. i was sick.. the kids were sick.. tired.. overwhelmed.. H was doing one of his disappearing acts.. and when i put D2 to bed, she cried and said she wanted me to stay with her. when i asked her if she was afraid i was going to leave she said yes. so i asked why? and she said.. "because daddy not here" and then later.. "if you leave D2 and S5 will be all alone". i cuddled her to sleep comforting her and telling her i wasn't going anywhere.. and when she fell asleep i cried my heart out for her.
the next morning, H finally txted "how are you feeling" and i just went on my rant.. telling him all about D. he said it was heartbreaking and came over soon aterwards for his weekend w/ them. well.. his weekend minus mother's day. he made plans w/ "friends". yeah. when i saw him, he made some general comment about a women at work who had gotten pregnant w/ a married man (of course the man didn't leave his wife) and how he had a lot more respect for her now after talking to her. about the choices she made.. and the struggles she faced as a single mom. i stewed for a couple of hours and when i got home saturday night, i couldn't hold it in and told him how hurt i was because of that comment. because i said.. i am basically a single mom. have you considered my choices.. and my struggles. and i cried.. and he actually took my hand and held it.. but i felt awkward and sucked up the tears.
it's a different hurt these days. it saddens me that he may never be the man that i need him to be again. there are times when i wonder.. is he purposely being hurtful or is he just clueless (like the comment about the single mom) and i really think he's just clueless. he says stuff like he wants to be there for the kids when they need him and to call and he will be right over to reassure him. i wonder.. reassure him of what?? yes you love them? that you didn't leave them?? and then when their tears dry.. you walk out that door again and they don't understand the concept of time an when you'll be back??
ok.. totally ranting again. i am definitely pmsing.
i should focus on the positives.. H made me breakfast in bed this morning before he left for the week. it was a nice mother's day surprise. he had S make a handmade card for me. H brought over treats for me the other day.. i was surprised.. it was actually for me because he picked out stuff that he knew i had liked in the past.
its a day to day process. 7 months. i didn't know where i would be 7 months ago. i'm surprised? and yet i'm not surprised at where i am. everything in God's time. not mine.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
That's^^^one of the hardest things. Sorry you're roller coaster ride took a drop on you. Very thankful that you're getting feelings out on the table though. It may not seem like it now, but I believe it helps down the road. They just take time to seed it and bloom.
Hope you're feeling better and have a great week!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Hey Girl- Check Bug's most recent post. What about a daily gratitude journal/list? I'm sure u can find an app to do it on since u seem so tech savy.
When I actively practice gratitude and take just a few minutes to be greatful for the many things I have in my life or going for me I feel like I live in such a positive state and some of the triggers that could potentially take me down a negative road are stopped.
It kind of takes me out of the victim mask where nothing positive seems to come.
Things like:
-You r awesome -u get to spend so much quality time w/ your kids -your kids are healthy -you are healthy -etc..
Even the most basic things, shelter, eye sight, legs. Their are sooooooo many things to be greatful for.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
i think i dropped the rope for a good while and then grabbed back on or something. i am so emotional and teary. is it the RV stuff?
i am out of sorts. and i know i really have no reason to be. H has not done anything differently. in fact, through RV, H has expressed that he no longer feels "trapped" and is thinking about choices.. and the answer to what he wants is not quite as clear anymore.. he made me breakfast in bed for mother's day.. when we talked the other day, he took my hand when i cried (even at the RV weekend i cried and he sat there looking at me). so what is it?? my expectations.
D2 woke up from her sleep a while ago and started crying. she clung to me when i went to go pick her up. she said she was scared i was going to leave. when i told H, he said.. poor nugget.. did she have her nightlight on?.. he later asked whether she was feeling like this because we sometimes rush her in the morning and she thinks we will leave without her. i txted back.. no. and told him she is afraid i'm not going to live her anymore like he doesn't and then her and S will be alone. yeah. didn't think i would hear back from him.
some days i feel like a crazy woman. wondering why the heck i haven't just.. moved on? what keeps me here? what makes me continue w/ RV? to attempt the dance of distancing myself while not distancing too much that he feels the door has been shut closed....
i really have no idea what i'm doing. db? RV? it's all got my head spinning.
so what did i do to make myself feel better? well.. i had a good cry. and then i went and purchased a deal for a 1 hr stand-up paddle surfing course.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
