Needing some guidance... 3

[jks]

Previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2236949&page=1

I went to H's parent's house last night and spoke with him and his parents. I haven't really been able to tell them my side and what I've been going through. Please keep in mind that these are people that I spent the majority of my last 10 years with. I am very close with them.

The conversation started with me trying to set some boundaries. No sleepovers with OW and my kids and no more overnight trips. (at least for now) I could tell as I was describing what I wasn't liking, H kept fighting me on it, not understanding why it was such a big deal. This is a hard thing because nothing he's doing is against the law and our kids are little so they don't completely know what's going on.

My biggest thing is that it's too soon, it's confusing to them, it's showing them that this behavior is ok, and it's just too much for me to take right now. I told them that the three week period of me keeping them was literally so I could have a couple of weeks of normalcy without having to hear about what H and OW are doing with my kids. I dread giving them back to him just for that reason. Everything they tell me HURTS. There's no way around it. It just hurts.

And I know H isn't doing any of this to hurt me, but it hurts just the same. Once I explained that to them, they completely understood.

H then tried to talk to me about how we were going to handle the D. Was I willing to work with him? My answer was, I don't know. I'm struggling with this because I want to protect myself and I don't want to get sucked in to giving him everything he wants just because I love him. I sat there for a long time trying to look at the custody issues from every angle... and nothing makes sense in my head.

I don't want to fight him anymore. But I feel trapped. I have no direction. He has complete direction. He knows exactly what his next moves are because he has someone that he wants to share his life with already. He has a job and he has a great support system with his family. I will be forever jealous of that. They are everything to me and are really such good people that it's hard to let it go.

My FIL told me that I need to come around more. I told him, I can't be here and there. I have to stay there. It's too hard right now to want so badly to be a part of their family knowing that H doesn't want me there. And that OW could be coming around at any given time. How do you go about doing that? That just doesn't seem possible to me.

As we talked more about details of how we were going to proceed, my H started to talk about splitting up debts and our belongings and that just made me downright depressed. This is really happening. How am I supposed to let my mind go there? I told him its really hard for me to put my energy into figuring out how to split things up when I'd rather put my energy into saving my marriage.

And I talked for a long time about the potential I see in us, how making each other a priority has been one of our biggest downfalls. It could make all the difference in the world. I spoke for a long time and everything I said made perfect sense and my H even started crying while I was talking. And when I was done he said, "I hear you say all of this and I get it. But I formed this R with someone that I can't see myself letting go."

That is a hard thing to swallow. So in my mind I'm thinking... he HAS to have this R with her. He HAS to see where it goes and there's nothing I can do about it. Whether it works or not, it's no longer my concern. Because he's basically made the point that she's worth it. She's worth breaking up our family. I'm scared to death that they will be truly happy together for a long time.

This is not a woman that I would ever be proud to have my children around and I'm not just saying that because she's with my H. Her character is very shady. She thinks she's a harda$$ and acts like it. She has no morals (has no problem sleeping with a married man with 3 children). "Parties." The list goes on and on.

I have to just get divorced. Moving on is the only thing that will bring me happiness. Would I still want to be with my H if he asked me tomorrow? Yes. There would be so much work to be done, but I know it would be so worth it. Going through a tragedy really awakens your soul. Why are we here? What is this life all about? Who do I want to be?

I am going to try to move forward with grace. It is going to be THE HARDEST thing I will ever do in my life. I have been fighting this for so long and now I have to wave the white flag. A part of me has died. The closest person I have ever been with in my life is quite possibly gone forever. It is a hard truth to face.

So one of the last things I said in our conversation was that this whole thing is so frustrating because I feel like neither one of us did the work. We have these issues that need to be worked on but instead we walked away from them. So instead of learning how to have a healthy R with one another, we're going to take these issues and implement them into another R. My H then said, I've been working on my communication. I said, "With OW?" He said, "Yes."

That was a low blow. I then said, well, I should go. I got up and his parents followed me to the door and his dad asked for a hug and said to me... I miss you. His mom then hugged me forever and just balled. My H just watched. They then walked me out to my car and waved good-bye as I pulled out of the driveway. Man, this is HARD!! My life as I know it has been shaken to the core!

This morning my H then sent me a text saying, I've been thinking a lot about the last thing I said to you yesterday and I wanted to clarify that I am not just working on communicating better with OW. I am working on just communicating better in general, but that I am still struggling with it.

I then told him thank you for telling me that because I was feeling very hurt by that comment. I also told him that if things are ever going to get better between us, he does need to communicate better. Maybe ask himself why he's keeping things from me. What is it accomplishing? (for example, the camping trip that he wasn't going to tell me about and gave me no details about until he got home... that was really not cool at all and he agreed.)

I told him that I was going to work on not being so angry. It is a hard thing to control right now with OW in the picture with my kids. I have no idea how people do this. Looking forward doesn't even bring me an inkling of hope because I know that I will always have to deal with her. There's no escaping it. And new problems are going to continue to arise. Such a mess!!

Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated right now. I always have this small little thought that maybe one day I will really be the one he wants and OW will be out of the picture because she was just a phase. It is insane that I even want H back after the things that he's put me through. But at the same time, I put him through hell, too, over a longer more gradual period of time. So what can you do?

[oldtimer]

So sorry about the hard conversations and realizations. Hugs....

Now, for some suggestions (maybe come back to these in a few days):


Stop telling H you want to reconcile. He knows.
Stop asking him rhetorical questions you don't want to hear the answer to.
And, for sure stop involving HIS parents (very inappropriate).

Every time you do any of those things, you push him firmly into OWs arms, and, especially by involving his parents, you make it much harder for him to end that R if he ever wants to. Your actions are painting him into a corner. Change your behavior.

No, do NOT rush to H or his parents to let them know you are changing your behavior. Just change it.

Stop with the drama.
Stop with trying to get H's parents to fix things.
Stop trying to get H to have a lightbulb turn on in his head.

Good job choosing to let go.
Good job identifying boundaries that will help you with that.

(1) Divorce is business. You are quite right to be worried about H taking advantage of you. You should not be making business decisions while you are worried about how he will react. At the same time, in terms of financial/parenting arrangements, NOW is the time that H will be most generous. He will get less and less generous as time goes by. I strongly suggest you get a lawyer and handle ALL details through the lawyer. Do not talk about the stuff with H. Just don't. It is not good for you or your kids. It will NOT help your M to discuss the D terms with H. Let your L handle it. In your place, I would as quickly as possible get a legally binding financial/parenting agreement in place.

(2) Unless it is a legal or safety issue, stop trying to control H's parenting decisions. It is fine to share/report your concerns. It is fine to say "no overnights" and see what happens. But, H will do what he will do. Until you have a legal agreement, fighting his choices is pointless.

(3) There really is no point in demonizing his GF. The A started after you were separated. H was willing to have an A even though he was married with 3 young children. AND he had a deep moral commitment to YOU. GF did not. His is the greater wrong. GF is neither the source of the problems in your M nor the cause of your D.

(4) Take a lot of space, a LOT of space. Use email or text. Discuss business matters only. STOP sharing personal info with H. STOP telling him how he needs to fix himself. STOP using him or his family as any kind of support. You have got to work on independence. Build a strong support network and use it. Aim for DISTANCE and STRENGTH and FUN.

(5) Do not EVER mention the camping trip again except to your L or IC or FC. For one thing, you knew full well that OW would be on the trip and you CHOSE to consent. Do NOT expect H to manage your pain for you. He is not effectively your H, he is not your friend. It is really not his problem that his choice to move forward in a different R hurts you. It is not his job to fix it. It is not his job to manage his life so it works better for you emotionally. It IS HIS JOB to do what is best for the kids. I'm sorry the camping trip hurt you. I can certainly understand why it would. But, the problem that is relevant is that it is TOO SOON and conditions are TOO UNSTABLE to expose the kids to OW. When H says he doesn't understand why, DON'T point to your own pain. Again, it is NOT his problem, really. I know that hurts to hear, but it is true. It is inappropriate for you to expect him to manage your pain. Rather, try something like this: "H, we seem to disagree as to what is healthy for the kids right now. My concern about the involvement of OW in their lives so soon is that it will hurt them. But maybe I'm wrong. Let's go to a FC and develop a strategy that makes sense to us both in terms of the kids' interests."

The best thing you can do is to let go and work on not being angry, to aim for compassion and forgiveness. You are headed that way. Everything WILL be better, one way or another, your life will be better in the future than you ever imagined it could be even pre-bomb.

Do three things for yourself today and tell me what they are.

[vera be fierce]

jks that must have been very difficult to get through! Oldtimer has offered some great suggestions for you that ring true for a lot of our situations. just one thing I would like to add:

It is not his job to manage his life so it works better for you emotionally. It IS HIS JOB to do what is best for the kids.

I think this goes both ways - it is not YOUR job to manage YOUR life so it works better for HIM; it is YOUR job to do what is best for your kids.

[wishing, hoping]

(((JKS))) I am right there with you. I have to let H go as well. It almost feels like they are rebelling against us, kind of like we are their mothers. At least that's how I feel. In my H's case his moral compass is broken and it's all about him.

Take care of yourself and your kids and hang in there. We are all right there with you.

[labug]

oldtimer has given you very good advice.

[jks]

Thank you, Oldtimer. I have really thrown things off, I know this. My emotions always get the best of me and I struggle so much with this on a daily basis.

Your advice is exactly what I needed to hear. I have to stop being that person. I have to rise above. No matter how hard. I get this.

I will be printing your words out to refer to them often. Thank you.

[jks]

H stopped his direct deposit from going in to our joint account today. I called him and calmly asked him what his plans were. Seeing as I'm the one that has always been responsible for making sure the bills got paid. He said he was trying this out to see how it worked and was looking through our acct to see how much I would need and he said he would deposit that amount to me to take care of the bills. I said ok. That was it.

My heart just dropped again.

[wishing, hoping]

OMG are you serious? Maybe you need a separation agreement or something. If he doesn't handle the bills, how is he to know what is or is not needed. This is obviously a control issue for him.

[jks]

I honestly think its just one more way for him to slowly detach a little more. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Things are going to get worse, I'm afraid. A lot of "firsts" that I'm facing one right after the other. I think that's why I'm emotionally so unstable because I've obviously never been through this before and it's instinct to want to fight it.

[wishing, hoping]

That's why I opened my own checking account and savings account just in case H decides to bail on me. It hasn't happened yet, and he hasn't even mentioned it. I think it would have been nice on your H's part if he would have let you know he was planning on doing it rather than waiting for you to find out on your own. That's why I think it is more than detaching. If he just wanted to detach why couldn't he have discussed his plans with you before actually doing it?