Stuck in Holding Pattern 2

[25yearsmlc]

Ben,

So sorry you are in such pain. I'm glad you sent the letter although I don't recall seeing it ever.

I know you admitted you didn't put in much energy into "romance" in the m, and that her love language was not yours...(or something like her love "tank" was on empty for a long time when you loved her but didn't "get it"...-I'm paraphrasing obviously)

Anyhow I was hoping you finally told her how you saw your role in the demise of the m. Meaning what YOU would do differently,

I ask this NOT to bash you when you are down --

but to make sure you learn the horribly painful lessons this brutal experience offers. God knows it's the only upside to this crap, and perhaps strengthening our faith in God and the kindness of strangers.

She sounds as if she has done a lot of reflecting (good!)

and I'm glad you held to not bringing up OM.

She needs time to know that you think it's over and you are moving on so she can see things in a new prism-one in which you are not waiting for her...

BUT that things would be better if you two were to be together again.

So my question is,

do you feel SHE KNOWS this^^^?

If she does know, then you have done all you can

and you must let go now, moving forward,

to create a fulfilling happy life for you and your chosen loved ones.

((( )))

[bustorama]

I told her I need to be in a relationship with someone that's also commited to it, and I don't feel like she was. She agreed.

Yeah, you knew that's where she stood based on her actions.

- She says she really screwed up and feels to blame
- She says I deserve so much better. She said this numerous times throught the evening. The very last thing she told me as we left as she hugged me one last time was I deserve better than her.
- She will probably wake up at 35 and regret this decision
- She thinks I'm a great guy and am awesome marriage material and that she wasn't good marriage material for me. She thinks about how girls we know that are "better" than her would be so much better for me.
- She says she wishes she could go back 3 years and not screw everything up

The above all goes with the "It's not you it's me" mantra, and the self-reproach is also common when there has been a history of EA/PA. The "you deserve better" basically means, you deserve someone who wants to be with you (which you do). Take her at her word, you do deserve better.

- She's felt at peace in the last few months being on her own

She hasn't missed you BUT, she's emotionally known you've been the safe Plan B there, stuck in your holding pattern. She may continue to feel at peace when you are truly absent from her life. She may not. Only time will tell.

- She can't remember the good times, making it so hard to even want to try. She just remembers the sh*t from the last 6 months we were together

Recency effect. As time passes, she may reminisce about and remember good times in the past. (Or she may not).

- She still loves me and will always love me

That and a buck will buy you....

- She said her life was open to me. When I asked for clarification, she didn't elaborate too much. Just said shes here for me if I need her.

As a friend...sort of.

I don't regret the step I've taken, as hard as its been. And really, it's been very hard.

I really get how hard it was for you, Ben. Starting a new chapter can be so painful. I know you've got a great story to write ahead.

[ben11]

Ben,

So sorry you are in such pain. I'm glad you sent the letter although I don't recall seeing it ever.

The Letter I sent

So my question is,

do you feel SHE KNOWS this^^^?

If she does know, then you have done all you can

and you must let go now, moving forward,

to create a fulfilling happy life for you and your chosen loved ones.

((( )))

I don't KNOW anything really. But, I've tried to explain how things would be different. She might know that I said it, but whether or not she knows it would actually happen... well, that I can't say. I hope she does.

I felt like I put a lot of my cards on the table last night. I made sure she knew that I was moving on, but I did also state several times how I wish this wasn't happening. I expressed that throughout our separation, I was sure we were going to make it. I truly believed we could've made it work if we put our minds to it.

[ben11]

Busto, you pretty much summed those points up perfectly. I agree with every one of them.

I had a good talk with my mom today. She's unreal to talk to because she's kind and caring, but can still shoot you straight, in a nice motherly type of way. She was always behind my decision to fight for the marriage. Now, she's supporting me to move on, and helped me look at things from a perspective of someone who loves my W, but also is there to protect me. She didn't say anything profound, but its nice to have someone I respect so much be behind me 100%.

After that I hit the links with my old man. Still GALing just a day later... not bad.

[bustorama]

What'd you shoot? =)

BTW, I forgot to respond to your earlier question about Facebook.

My W had blocked me from her FB months before I went NC with her, so there was no deciding on my part -- she had closed that window to me long before.

Think about what you think will be best for you. I think FB has a setting where you can make it so that you don't ever see stuff from her profile on your feed. That might be one way to achieve virtual no contact with reminders of her for as long as you desire.

[ben11]

Executive course. Par 63. Shot an 80. Pretty sad considering i shot an 82 on a full course this weekend. Drove a par 4 green and 3 putted from 15 feet. But my dad had beers galore so it was fun.

I told W last night I was going to remove my R status and would figure out a way to have it not show. I actually sent her the instructions but she doesn't seem to have followed them nor responded. If I change it now it will show on her feed. I don't really want to have her deal with that. Facebook is already ridiculous... Don't need to add to the drama. I'll leave it for a day or two. I did block her in my feed but if I find I look at her page and it's bugging me I'll just block her.

Wow, that's a pathetic amount to type about Facebook :S

[Maggie3]

Ben- hope you are feeling better today. I deactivated my Facebook for awhile. My H too. Eventually I went back on but he still hasn't. Might be good if you think you'll overthink her posts, etc. sonetimes I'm tempted to write mean posts about my h but I don't, I do have a good laugh in my head about them though.

[vera be fierce]

I'll chime in with another vote to deactivate fb. Just a thought.

[ben11]

Thanks Maggie. I'm feeling pretty good today. Started to feel the peace already.

I'm not worried about Facebook and me saying anything I'll regret. I don't feel bitter at all. In fact the only reason I havent removed changed my Facebook status away from "married" is that it would show up on her wall and could be embarrassing for her. I know it's weird to protect her but that's just my thought.

My spring hockey season starts up tomorrow which is always the highlight of my week. On a team with friends and it's just a great time.

[AJM80]

I feel you on FB. It's a pain. I'm still friends with a lot of mutual friends and family who know what is going on. I don't think there is anything wrong with leaving your status as married until you are legally divorced. Then, who cares if it shows up on her feed.

I read through some of the things she said to you in the car the other day...just remember this. If she doesn't think she is good enough for you/believes you deserve better, you cannot fix or change her. You cannot drop down to her perceived level and you cannot drag her along with you. She has to love and believe in herself. After an affair, she'd have to take some serious responsibility and work through a lot to forgive herself and let you forgive her.

You're young, you're loved, and you have a lot going for you. It's spring, almost summer. Throw yourself into things. Join a summer league - softball, soccer, etc. Get ridiculously fit and tan. Spend extra time at work and get an awesome annual review this year. Catch back up with buddies. Find some local bands to listen too or get into the local food or craft beer scene.

Moving on and letting go isn't a moment in time, it is a series of choices. Make decisions that you'll be proud of no matter what relationship you end up in. All my best.