Stuck in Holding Pattern 2

[Maggie3]

Well, "US" may not be dead- but "US" as it was and is now is dead. You would have to be a new "US" going forward. All the acronyms on this forum kind of kill me. When I first read your post I was thinking Maine and United States

Before my H came over yesterday I took an anxiety pill- if that is an option for you. I still felt very anxious so I kept repeating "You are calm" in my head and that helped. I also did some quiet stretching. I know this probably sounds weird/new agey but it really did help. I'm a huge believer in being able to psych yourself up, and psych yourself out. Think you are confident, and you will be. Think you are calm, and you will be. Know that you are a good person and that you have worked hard, but that you are aware that you will be okay even without her, and that will show.

Also, maybe don't get a coffee. Get a tea or something without caffeine to keep you calmer. I think lavender is calming.

[bustorama]

BTW, Ben, be braced for any range of reactions from your WAS.

The first time I enforced a boundary of sorts with my WAS (I'm not ok with having you on my cell plan anymore if you want to use your phone to talk to men whose motives I don't trust and who I don't want interceding in my R's), I got rage in response.

Another time, I exercised an enforcement, she acted at that moment like she didn't give a rat's ass, like she could care less (W, This sitch is not working for me anymore, I need to begin to move on. I do not want you to contact me at all anymore unless it is an emergency matter concerning the kids). She simply said, ok, that's fine. anything else?

When I exercised what was basically my final enforcement ("W, I am now ready to move on legally. I want to begin divorce proceedings now, so I can really get on with my life."), she began to cry hysterically, retreated to her room and closed the door, begging for another month for things to settle down for her.

Good luck with your talk!

[ben11]

Thanks Busto. This will probably come as a shock to her. In setting it up, the text convo seems light. She recently just texted asking for a few clothing items from the house.

Just hard to imagine that just over 2 years ago we were standing in front of 150 people professing our love to each other and reading our vows, and now we're heading into this. Life is unpredictable, there's no question about that.

Thanks everyone for the support. Sometimes the right decisions are the hardest.

[ben11]

Well it's over and I've never felt so alone and heartbroken in my life. I fell to pieces when we went to our cars. That's really all I can type right now.

[bustorama]

Hang in there, Ben. These are some of the very roughest hours. Trite as it may sounds, things really will get better for you, and your actions are leading the way to that. We are here when you feel up to writing more.

[Maggie3]

Ben sorry things didn't go the way you expected but Busto is right, it will get better. You can do this! You already have.

[ben11]

It pretty much did go as expected, minus my complete loss of control of my emotions. I expected for it to be quite sad, but this hit me like a ton of bricks.

So we met for coffee and we had a bit of chit-chat but I was basically disengaged in the convo. Wasn't really in a chatty mood. I told her I needed to get out of limbo and it was time for me to move on. I told her I need to be in a relationship with someone that's also commited to it, and I don't feel like she was. She agreed.

We actually talked for about 2 hours in the coffee shop. Some about us, some about just general life things. It felt so surreal and I even told her that. I said it felt so natural still, after all we've been through, to be able to talk to her. And that this would be the last time.

It was a very civil conversation. We both shared some things about where we felt things went off track, what some things we regret, etc. None of these things were new, and that hadn't been covered in C. I'd say her general mood was sadness, but more of a prepared sadness if that makes sense.

As we left, I told her I had some clothes and stuff for her that she asked me to bring. First we hugged and she held on for a really long time. Then after that, I grabbed her stuff and gave it to her, and she hugged me again. As I let go this time, I started hopping in the front seat, and she said she still loves me. I completely broke down into a full-out sob. I told her that doesn't help me to hear. We actually talked a lot more as she sat on the door frame of my car. She didn't seem to want to leave me and she wanted to comfort me. We probably talked another 20 minutes. Then I figured I should leave. It was so hard to leave knowing this was the last time we'd probably talk like this again. I realized how much I still love her, and how much I'll miss her, but this is really the only thing left to do.

Some things she said throughout the night (and not in any kind of order here):
- She's felt at peace in the last few months being on her own
- She says she really screwed up and feels to blame
- She says I deserve so much better. She said this numerous times throught the evening. The very last thing she told me as we left as she hugged me one last time was I deserve better than her.
- She will probably wake up at 35 and regret this decision
- She can't remember the good times, making it so hard to even want to try. She just remembers the sh*t from the last 6 months we were together
- She thinks I'm a great guy and am awesome marriage material and that she wasn't good marriage material for me. She thinks about how girls we know that are "better" than her would be so much better for me.
- She still loves me and will always love me
- She said her life was open to me. When I asked for clarification, she didn't elaborate too much. Just said shes here for me if I need her.
- She says she wishes she could go back 3 years and not screw everything up

So yeah, I'm missing a ton of stuff that was said. I can barely remember a 5 minute convo so there's a lot that I'm leaving out. Bottom line is I feel like she wishes it worked, but just isn't willing to work at it. She doesn't believe in us enough to put in the work she knows it would take. We have different lives, and she can't really remember the good times.

I don't regret the step I've taken, as hard as its been. And really, it's been very hard. But I think it really is time for me to try and move on. I hope I can do it sooner than later, but who knows. I'm just thankful I have great friends and family that can support me through these times.

[ben11]

One more interesting tidbit. She says she didn't open the letter I sent her for 3 days because she thought it was D papers of some sort.

At any rate, I'm really trying to squash the last glimmer of hope I have for us. I know its not healthy to wait around any longer and I need to move on. I'm planning to go dark for a good amount of time, say a month or so, before I get a hold of her to deal with sorting out possessions. Figured I'd just box up her things and store in a spare room.

Busto, how'd you handle facebook stuff with your W when you went super dark. Do I unfriend her? Block her? Leave it alone?

[hopingandpraying]

Ben,

I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through with this. It is tough stuff. After I told my H it was pretty much over and we divided our belongings, I went dark (been dark for one month) and I haven't seen improvements in reconciling in our M but I do see improvements in my day to day well-being!

Keep your head up...it's not over until it's over!

[unbidden]

I've been trying to figure out why detaching is so hard. Why is that? Is it the intermittent reinforcement, is it because we crave love and hate to lose it? Because losing a relationship makes us feel unsettled and unsafe somehow? A need to control? I keep thinking that if I could figure this out, or if anyone here could, then I would be able to address it and detach more successfully and so would the others going through this mess like I am. Does anyone have any theories on this?