Just be careful. I'm suspicious of waywards by nature, so I'm probably the "high test score" here, but it wouldn't hurt to DISCREETLY verify where she is tonite, if you can.
But only if the answer changes your position, and your strategy (example: an EA wouldn't be a dealbreaker with you, but a PA would be . . . or EA/PA, NOT a dealbreaker, but deceit about it IS). Otherwise, just assume she probably IS still in contact with the guy, and proceed accordingly.
I automatically assume she is still in contact. I think the burden of proof is on her to prove she is not.
I doubt she is willing to do that, so I think we will be at a stand still here until I get my head screwed on straight, back up a bit, and ask for a divorce again, even though she swore last night that she didn't want that.
Whatever.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
Initially, I didn't really "feel" much initially, but now that I've stepped away and had time to decompress, I realize how unclear I am. I have no idea how to proceed from this point. She doesn't want a divorce, but I don't know if I can move forward at this point? I think she's crazy and fear she is dragging me down with her. Plus, she's angry and that anger gets directed towards me.
Won't see W until late tonight. I don't really care to be another stand still. Plus, my emotions are all mixed up - kind of like clothes in the dryer. I NEED to break this cycle.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
This is a shocking turn of events, so please take a seat before proceeding. I intend this to be my last post to this thread.
W & I talked and came to the understanding that we both need a new direction. This is just not working. It is possible staying in our M is the oppression that has been keeping both of us locked into a really bad place - more of an obligation than a choice - kind of like taxes. No matter how hard we've tried over the past couple of years, it all boiled down to the fact that this M wasn't working for us. After some deep soul searching, I finally got back to being myself and thought back to the unfortunate ultimatum that put us back together three months ago. While well intended and honorable by us both, it was the wrong choice.
We've mutually decided this morning to let it all go. We are moving quickly, have drawn up papers for an uncontested D in our state, and plan to file by the end of the week. This is a quick state, so it will probably be over before the end of this month.
I can honestly say, we both feel a tremendous pressure has been lifted. After the pain of the "act" of deciding and doing the paperwork, we spent the rest of the day together and truly enjoyed each other's company. It felt like the real "us" for once, which is kind of corny, but a heart-felt truth. I know we do love each other, but this just isn't the time or place for us to be a couple.
One nice thing is we are stepping out of this marriage the way we came into it: we are doing it together. It is very nice. I have a new-found respect for W just because of the way this is happening and I believe she can once again see the real me, a sign we are both beginning to remove our marriage blinders and protective armor. Emotions are still reeling, but as the fog clears, this makes more and more sense to us both. I feel our R can once again grow and, of course, we will both be around to love and support our D9 together, and that feels great.
I greatly appreciate all your efforts to help me focus and get though this. In the end, the simplest solution looks to be the best for us. Indeed, after mere hours of the change, I feel "myself" coming back online - glad to let that other guy die. I hold my head high, knowing W & I gave it our best shot to stay married. It didn't work out and that is not an all-bad thing. I know our relationship will improve from here, romantically or not - and that is worth something. She is, still, the best friend I've ever had.
There are no guarantees, but tomorrow is looking bright once again. As I close here, know that I am in a good place.
I'm OnMyWay and wishing everyone here a heartfelt farewell.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
Somehow you didn't strike me as a "cut-and-run" guy, OnMyWay. I pray that you and your wife will find your own voice, and strength thru this, and perhaps get back together one day in the future, this time with stronger boundaries in place.
One nice thing is we are stepping out of this marriage the way we came into it: we are doing it together. It is very nice. I have a new-found respect for W just because of the way this is happening . . .
Let me be the first to say, "Blcccch."
I know you were hardly blameless here, OnMyWay, but there's nothing to respect about the way your wife handled what looks like to be the end of your marriage. Not from my seat and view, anyway.
Only you know when you are truly done fighting for your marriage, and whatever you decide, I wish the best for you and your daughter. Why do you feel an urgency to file? Do the two you not see any benefit of separation at this point? Have you recieved any counseling to help you come to your decision, or did the two of you decide on your own?
I know that in my case, my husband truly believed he was done, and I accepted that. It was during our separation that I did some serious work on myself (instead of trying to save the marriage), and he realized the grass in his rent house yard was dead compared to the green of our of marital home. He expressed interest in reconciling, and that is when I declared and enforced the boundaries. None of this was quick-fix work; we did that before and like you, ended up apart again.
I just share this with you to let you know that in my case there was great benefit to stepping away from one another, focusing on self-improvement and then reevaluating the chance for reconciling.
As I stated earlier, whatever path you take, I wish the best for you and yours. You have received excellent advice on this thread, and I hope it is helpful to you as you move forward.
To chime in here as well, OMW... when I first read your post, I thought "good, if the two of you can be pleasant and amicable in D, that is fantastic..."
I do suspect you will say that you know this, but I did want to point out that one cannot escape "the work" and everything that goes along with it, simply by filing... D or not, amicable or not... it's probably not "over" for a while, yet...
You are no more ready to D than you are to reconcile. You are BOTH all over the place. You are BOTH acting out trying to ease the pain.
Until there is not much emotion and no strong sense of urgency to file for D, neither of you are likely ready for it.
Why not: file for legal separation which includes a financial agreement and stipulates that your personal lives are none of the other person's business and physically separate.
Right now, both your actions are unstable. First you are both trying to reconcile, not wanting divorce, having sex, etc... one day and less than a week later filing D papers.
Get to a place of peace, strength, stability, non-reactivity and THEN move forward.
Sheez. Neither of you has any real clue what you want. One thing you both NEED is a lot of emotional space.
