Thanks again!!! I am so lost and letting myself down. She had me broken down again last night. She has so much anger and distrust and I don't reallly blame her.
I have a couple of great days and start to see her respond in somewhat positive ways, but it seems like she is just being nice to be able to ease out without confrontation. I really have to quit worrying about her motives or what it is that helps her have a good day.
I can go two or three days and then I pull some puppy dog crap and come across as begging and grovelling and apologizing for my part in all of this.
we talked about her going on a short vacation to get some time to herself to think about things. She said she would like that so she is going to stay at a hotel for 3 or 4 days and take some vacation time from work.
I am also trying to give her time to get away from the house a night or two during the week to take some time for herself to just be.
The problem here is that she is finally communicating with me. It's not what I want to hear and the things she says cause me a lot of guilt and resentment, but at least she is talking, right?
Should I shy away from discussions with her? Should I just make myself unavailable? I am trying to get this DB thing and I just seem to take a step forward and two steps back.
I need to quit overthinking all of this stuff. I feel like I should assume its over and just get on with life but something keeps pulling me back.
H 36, W 35, M 15 S 11 D 7 Bomb 08/03/2011 2nd Bomb 01/04/2012 3rd Bomb 04/26/2012 Divorced 07/23/2012
I see you've also posted the exact same post as your original post above in a different part of the forum. It is best to keep your posts to a single thread, especially at this time of your membership here, as it keeps everyone on the same page. Plus, the newcomers area is more read so you will get more possible responses.
Also, please understand that this is not a quick fix. This is a slow process that is likely to take months or even years to get your M back on track. Doing something for a few days does not make permanent results. If you are not consistent with something for at least 2 weeks, it is much less likely to work, as it isn't believable and doesn't "stick".
When your W opens up and talks to you, as was posted above in more colourful language, keep your mouth shut and listen. Also, validate. That means saying things like, "I understand how you could feel that way." Nothing more. Unless your W asks you a question, to which you answer as directly and concisely as possible with the least number of words. Two ears, one mouth. That means listen twice as much as you talk.
Finally, if you are doing the LRT (which is probably a good idea) then please read again and again the 37 "rules" posted above in your thread. These are the things you should be living and breathing by for at least the next two weeks.
In the mean time, keep posting and try to look for the positives and keep up your PMA (positive mental attitude).
3rd Strike all I can tell you is I am right there with you, almost to the day. I feel your pain. It is crushing, as you say, to be on the yo-yo, not knowing where the S is coming from one day to the next. I'll go from out and out sobbing to "OK, I can go on without her" in a matter of hours. But the key is to go on, to lean on whomever you can (other than S of course) to get you through the day, to get some meds to help with the anxiety and depression (yours, not hers) and to follow that awesome list posted above. I'm too early into this to know for sure what works and what doesn't (just separated on the 15th) but I know with absolute certainty what doesn't work and that is knock down drag out fighting, begging, pleading about the good times, interrogating about her activities with her "friend," spying on her, etc., etc. I've done some hard things in my life and survived some terrible situations and this is by far and away the hardest. Just thinking of the impact on my kids is enough to drive me over the edge. But, sometimes hope is right in front of you, you just have to see it.
I'll give you an example: Last night I decided to start re-reading my journal entries that I've been making for about a month. Back on the 8th I wrote 3 things that would demonstrate to me that my wife was at least interested in working on the marriage to some degree (which was not in the cards AT ALL on the 1st of the year). They were: 1) she would suggest that we go to counseling together during the separation, 2) she would suggest that we go out someplace together sometime, and 3) she would bring up a long planned vacation in June and suggest/imply/something that we keep our plans to go.
As I read this, after a day during which I had a crying breakdown in the car so bad I had to pull over, it hit me like a lightening bolt: She is batting a 1000 on my goal list, and I'd just been too focused on the big picture and the mess my life feels like right now to see it.
We each have to keep trying, keep setting small manageable goals, sticking to the DB behaviors and avoiding the stuff that will set us back, and most of all have patience, patience and more patience. Will it work? I have no idea, but what other option is there?
My wife finally came to her senses or so I thought. I had an employee commit suicide on Feb 3rd. That night I had to go in to deal with the aftermath. My wife looked me in the eye and said "I DO love you!"
After that day things were on the fast track to recovery. We started going on dates, she made a trip to Canada for work without incident with former OP...we were making progress in counseling, etc. She even told me that she was falling in love with me again!
Then about two weeks ago it all fell apart. She got down on us out of the blue and said that she has always had the underlying feeling of wanting to leave! Now she has opened her own bank accts, put money on an apartment and wants to sit the kids down and tell them we are separating!
I am totally crushed. I have been doing everything I can to keep the positive changes going. We were buying new furniture for the house, painting, doing fun things as a family, etc.
I don't know what went wrong! I can make up stories in my head but that is no good either. She swears there is no one else. She says she just can't heal from the wreckage of our past and that she feels broken.
She admits she loves me, she still shows affection, and says that she wishes that everything could be alright. She says that she can't see any other way to find peace within unless she leaves...
I guess it's time to stop playing her game and get on with life. I love her and want our marriage to remain intact for us and our children. I just don't know what to do. This is the worst...to make such seeming progress and have it all blow apart within a two week period.
There were no fights, everything seemed great on the surface and she just seemed to turn on a dime!
She is being treated for depression but I am concerned that she may be bi-polar. She thinks her therapist is qualified and would tell her if that is the case. I have suggested that her therapist is not qualified to do that and she should be getting checked for those issues by her psychiatrist rather than a psychologist.
Anyway, I am hurt, depressed, angry and confused. If anyone can help me find some way to understand or keep any kind of hope alive I could really use that right now.
H 36, W 35, M 15 S 11 D 7 Bomb 08/03/2011 2nd Bomb 01/04/2012 3rd Bomb 04/26/2012 Divorced 07/23/2012
Hey - I am really no pro at this, but it sounds like your wife is tremendously confused based on her behavior as you have described it. One thing is for sure - you are not going to get her to change her mind about leaving, and the more you challenge her about it the more resentful she will become of you questioning her choices. If she must leave, let her leave without question and then work with things from there. It stinks, but there is nothing you can do to control it.
Also, you probably need to strap yourself in and realize that this is a process that could last awhile - it certainly is in my case and it has been filled with ups and downs. Some I have met well, others not so much. I am giving you adivce that I have a hard time taking myself, but patience....used as much as you have, and when you run out - use more. Ultiamtely, you decide when to throw in the towel.
Have you taken a deep look at some of her complaints? Owned them? Accepted them? Worked to 180 them if you can?
Regarding the depression/bi-polar thing, try to stay off that road. I went there, and it leads nowhere at all. If true, there is nothing you can do about it and I would strongly suggest you don't bring it up to your wife. Work on the only part of this equation you can - you.
All hope is not lost, but chances are this won't be a quick fix.
Our sitch's have so many similarities....Sometimes I swear the T makes matters worse since many are pro-divorce & would prefer to work on an amicable D instead of dealing w/ the real issues and saving a family. Just wanted to say- You're not alone on this insane ride , best wishes for you and your family. If you happen to find some answers please remember me :-)
P
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
So, after re-reading this post, I was struck with the fact that these are the actions my spouse is taking with me! And I'm the one who was asked to leave the house.
Hmm...if both people are engaged in DB activities, what then??
Wow! Thanks for all the responses. I too have a really hard time being consistent with the advice from the books and on the forum. It is all really counterintuitive!
I am coming to terms with the fact that she is leaving. I am not bringing up the depression or other potential mental illnesses anymore...It DOES just piss her off!
I am mainly concerned with how this is going to affect the kids. They really don't know this is coming. It breaks my heart to know the news we have to reveal to them this weekend.
I am amazed that a mother is willing to walk out on her kids. I have stated before that she and I are very close. We ARE great friends and we both say we love each other. She just thinks she needs to "go find herself" whatever that means.
Anyway, she moves out on the weekend of 18 May. I am preparing the best I can and have asked her to review a separation agreement and sign it with me. I feel that it will bring some structure and hopefully some future protection if she ultimately decides to D.
I need to start backing way off in the affection that I show her. I am somewhat confused about how much support to give her so as not to come across as if I agree or support what she is doing, but I feel that if I am nice and help her where I can it will help allow her to come back more easily if she chooses to.
H 36, W 35, M 15 S 11 D 7 Bomb 08/03/2011 2nd Bomb 01/04/2012 3rd Bomb 04/26/2012 Divorced 07/23/2012
wow..this sounds like my W. she is moving out the weekend of the 18th to "find herself" too. i did a separation agreement with her. she still hasnt signed it. i dont know that she will. this is so hard. i feel your pain when it comes to telling the kids. that was so hard for me to do. keep trying. if it doesnt work, you will know you gave it everything you had. if it does, then you live happily ever after. good luck
