My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[scaredsilly]

"You know, normal people tend to care when their wives are sick and actually take care of them".

did you want to make him feel guilty?

have you read, "how to improve your marriage without talking about it"?

[timbits]

Not necessarily to make him feel guilty, I was just irritated with how he has been acting. I mean, I have a cold, not an antibiotic resistant superbug. Honestly, his family is very messed up. His mother tends to get angry whenever any one else is sick as they are taking attention away from her. I honestly think that he feels it is somewhat normal to be annoyed whenever anyone is sick. You should have seen her when his father was diagnosed with cancer (he's fine now). She was furious with him. It was very messed up. My IC at the time said it was classic for NPD.

When he was sick with a stomach flu years ago, I took care of him. I got him food he could eat, got him medication, cleaned up when he didn't quite make it to the bathroom to throw up and tried everything to make him feel better. He kept saying, "You don't have to do this, I'm really sorry". People get sick. That's just what happens. There's no need to be sorry for it.

I know I probably shouldn't have said what I said. I was frusterated and not feeling well. It did seem to snap him out of it a bit and he's been a bit better (still not great, but a bit better) since. But if I was perfect, I probably wouldn't be on this board.

I haven't read that book yet. I'll have to check it out (Thank God for tablets. I can order tons of books and read them without H or anyone else seeing it). I'm still reading "When you think you aren't good enough" that was recommended to me earlier. I'm almost finished that. I usually read books fairly quickly (I LOVE to read), but I find with self help books, I have to take my time and let what I'm reading marinate a bit, lol.

[timbits]

Feeling a bit more hopeful today. I went into work and am feeling a bit better, though I sound and look miserable, I've been told (I feel like saying, "Gee, thanks!" lol). I feel like there's a chance we can make it. H said that he would wash the sheets today (he's getting off work early) and re-make the bed so he'll sleep with me again tonight. That makes me feel better. I know that I sound like a sook (think this might be a regional expression for someone who is whiny), but it's very important that we sleep in the same bed (barring work travel, excessive snoring or other extreme reasons). I just miss waking up to that soft warm body next to me.

I also feel like he's being a bit more affectionate with me. I still feel like there's a distance between us and have trouble finding something to talk about, but I'm hopeful we can get through this. It's weird. I feel like there is so much that remains unsaid (and will remain unsaid until he initiates that convo. Trying to give him space.), but it's like since we can't talk about it but it's a huge 800 lb gorilla in the room and we can't really talk about anything else until it's addressed, kwim? It feels like we are just dancing around it, but I'm running out of dance moves at the moment.

Still focusing on GAL. Tonight we have our weekly movie date with a friend and then I have to finish off all my necklaces and a few bracelets for the craft fair. Then the fair all day Saturday, Saturday night and Sunday I'm finishing my rug hooking piece and then we go to a movie. And I have to remember to send my sister her birthday card! Phew!

Busy week. Too busy GAL-ing. I guess that's why it hit me a bit harder when I was home sick. All I had time to do was sit and dwell on it.

[ben11]

Timbits,

Been following your story for a while now. I don't have much to offer you as I'm deeper in the soup than you. I think you're doing great though and just wanted to encourage you to keep being patient.

I know exactly what you mean when you say its tough to have anything to say when the elephant's in the room. It really is like the old couple that goes out for dinner and just... eats dinner. Especially when we're not 'supposed' to initiate conversation... nails your feet to the floor.

Just a note about barking at your husband about not helping you out when you're sick. As a man, there's nothing worse than being told what to do, especially when you were never asked to do it before (and I mean explicitly asked, and not hinted at like women like to do). If you ARE going to mention it, next time just ask if he can help you in very specific ways. We're not so swift sometimes . Yes, he/we should know to help you out when you're sick, but as Jerry McGuire says "help me, help you".

[timbits]

Thanks, Ben. That means a lot. I try not to bark at him, but I know my patience was tested this week, so I may have done so (I get cranky when sick, which isn't unlike most people). I know he's not a mind reader and I tend to be very direct. It's not that he wasn't noticing I need help or anything, it's like he resents me for being sick. IDK, I guess it's just a wart he has that I'll have to accept (ie loving him warts and all).

I'll just keep plugging along, doing what I'm doing. I can't control what he feels, thinks or does. The only thing I can control is myself, so I have to just hold onto that and have faith that it will all work out in the end.

[timbits]

Things are looking up again today. H is in a better mood, more affectionate and silly with me, which is great. I always said to him, "One of the best things about being married is having someone to be silly with!" We tend to be foolish people when we want to be. He didn't sleep in the bed with me last night as the sheets weren't dry and he wanted clean ones (which I agree with), but we're going to sleep together tonight. He actually kissed me goodbye this morning.

I think a lot of it has to do with his new job. He feels better having a reason to get up in the morning and go out. He has less time to focus (read:obsess) about his depression and anxiety and it provides a nice distraction.

I'm just hoping this lasts and it all doesn't come crashing down...

[ben11]

A nice positive turn! Take note of whatever may have done that played a role in H being in a good mood. I like how you told him you appreciated his mood. Positive reinforcement is never a bad thing.

Enjoy these days. I hope they continue, but just prepare yourself, because we know that progress is not linear. There will probably be a lot of peaks and valleys ahead.

Enjoy your weekend timbits

[timbits]

Craft fair today was a huge success. I made $345 and almost sold out of my entire inventory. Looks like I'll be doing some more craft fairs and selling my stuff online. I've played with doing that for a while, but it was very nice to have such a positive response to my work. Really fun.

I was going to go to a movie with H and some friends tonight, but I was exhausted after all week and then the work today. I told him to go and have a good time and I'm relaxing and enjoying my evening at home. I'm also working on the rug hooking project for tomorrow. I'm doing an octopus. It looks pretty neat. I have a thing for sea creatures.

I'm sleeping in a bit tomorrow and then up and at 'em. My mom helped me at the craft fair today and she wants to go to a local department store that is closing down. They are selling off all of their display items, so maybe I'll find something there that I can use for the next show. I was told today that my display looked great (lot of research for the past three weeks), but I'll need to expand it a bit because the table today was pretty small, but the next fair gives me more than double the space. I also need to get working on the pieces that sold well and get them online.

H and I are still plugging along. I was a little snippy last night because H kept asking what time we had to be at the show this morning. I've told him about 50 times we had to be there at 8:30am (there's bad parking downtown and he needed the car, so he had to drive us). I kind of get the feeling that he kept asking in the hopes that he'd get out of having to drive me or to drive me a bit later than he wanted to. Not proud that I snapped at him, but asking me the same question 10 times in one night really gets on my nerves. Especially when I answered him directly, not passive aggressively. It's almost like that's the only language he understands because that's the language he was raised with.

[timbits]

Need to find more GAL activities. My rug hooking class is finished, as well as the craft fair. I guess I will focus now on making more jewellery to sell at more fairs as well as online. I am also going to move forward on the motorcycle course, and am thinking I might get another $500 prepaid visa for another sales contest this month (team contest and we are the top team so far). I find that when I am busy, I am happier. I just wish I could shake this cold/cough. The worst part is over, but I have a bad cough and a lot of guck on my chest. Feels gross, sounds even worse. Hahaha.

H and I are doing well. We went out for dinner last night and had a good time. It feels like we are slowly reconnecting. I tried not to say "I love you" or be too silly with H (this is a way we show love for each other), as I felt he was resenting it (this is one of my 180's) and I find that he is slowly coming around and initiating it on his own. When I stop coughing up a lunch, I'll try to initiate more intimacy (not too sexy with a hacking cough).

I get the feeling that H is disgusted by my appearance. I mean, I haven't really changed, but he has lost a lot of weight and I worry that he doesn't find me attractive any more. I think that a lot of this worry is self-generated. He's never said anything negative about my appearance, and says he thinks I am beautiful, but it's been less lately, which I think is more from him and I pulling back from each other, not that he doesn't feel the same any more. This is something I need to work on. I tend to dress well (I have to for work), but on my down time I just wear what is comfortable. I guess I should focus on wearing nice clothes for H as well. I also want to start wearing my perfume again. H always comments that I smell good whenever I wear it. I can't wear a lot of it to work, but a little spritz here and there should be fine.

[timbits]

Things are still chugging along. I find that H is still distant, not as affectionate as previously, which I find difficult to cope with, but am doing it for the sake of the M. I know that clinging to him would be a mistake at this point. He's meeting a friend to take another picture for his book jacket tonight and I'm going shopping with my mother, so at least I won't be home obsessing about it. Some times I just wonder where everything went so wrong. Why did he have an EA/PA? What did I do to deserve being iced out? What is wrong with me? What did OW have that I didn't have? It's still painful to really think about.

I know that he has his own problems and that I need to work on my own, but every now and then that familiar feeling of betrayal pops up. I would NEVER do that to him. I would NEVER betray him or our M. I just feel like I don't deserve this. Yes, I have issues and I need to work on intimacy, but you don't go outside of the M to fulfill your needs. I guess I'm just venting right now. I know what I need to do, but I'm still very hurt. And when he's acting this way, almost like I was the one who betrayed him, it brings it all up again.

I just wish we could go back. I just hope we can fix this. I'm calling my IC to make an appointment now (I had to cancel due to illness last week). Feeling a little down today. I try not to let it bother me, but it still hurts. I hate feeling like the man who I am supposed to be closest with is unavailable to talk to. I can't talk about this with him. I feel very alone right now.