Stuck in Holding Pattern

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Hey Busto, Long time no chat, and Congrats!

I watched that secene at least 100 times, even lived it.

The scene at the end of the movie is just as note worthy.
Is Ex finally calls him, but he has moved on. He swithes over while the ex is I love you.
He doesn't even give her 5 minutes!


I lived in fear too. I thought if I did _____ then my WAW wouldn't think I want to work things out. This fear keeps you in limbo. Ask anyone how limbo feels and I guarantee you they will ALL say it sux! Ask those who chose to move on regardless of the outcome and they will all say it felt great to be out of limbo.

Ben11,

These little texts she sends you area tests so she knows she still has you as a back up plan.
Removing yourself as a back up plan will force her to face her reality.

I also get the whole mentality of not being "a good H"
We blame ourselves for the break up for too long. We say:
If I only did this
Or If I could have one more chance
Things would be different. Right?

The fact you came to an online forum to save your M speaks volumes to me and others.

We all have choices, even our WAW.
I'm sure they could have all done something different too.

The fact is were here.
You are young. Don't you want someone who wants to be with you?
That's the mentality that got me through my D.

I deserve someone who is awesome. I have kids with my Ex. I speak to her only regarding the kids. I was completely dark just months ago. I didn't even say hi to her when we exchanged the kids.
Guess what? she noticed, she started to make little trival contacts with me throught texts. Since it wa about the kids, I didn't reply.
She told our mutual friend that gr8 doesn't talk to me at all.

I couldn't care less what she does with her life any more. I have two great kids who love me so much and want to be with me all the time.
She works second shift and only sees D7 Friday nights.

That's the reality she chose. She knows exactly what to do if she ever wants my friendship in the future.
For now, she hasn't shown me.
And that's perfectly fine with me.

Remember, YOU have a choice in all this too.

[ben11]

Haha yeah I watched that scene too right after. I should watch that on my next night off. Great flick.

Thanks for the advice. I agree. Limbo really does suck. My problem is I go back and forth so much in my own head with what direction I want to take.

I'll have 4 hours where I'm convinced I just need to tell her to grab the rest of her stuff, get her to tell me its not going to work, so I can just move on.

For other chunks of the day, I want to 'prove' to her that she IS special to me, and make her really believe it. Just do what ever it takes.

And the rest of the day I just think, "I don't care about what happens, I'm just going to do what I want and whatever happens, happens"

Gr8, are you suggesting that I don't reply to anything she texts me? Like if she sends me a random text with a funny picture in it that I don't even acknowledge it?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I'll have 4 hours where I'm convinced I just need to tell her to grab the rest of her stuff, get her to tell me its not going to work, so I can just move on.

For other chunks of the day, I want to 'prove' to her that she IS special to me, and make her really believe it. Just do what ever it takes.

And the rest of the day I just think, "I don't care about what happens, I'm just going to do what I want and whatever happens, happens"

Been there, done that.

Scratch number two completely.
I' like the staement about she needs to get the rest of her stuff. Don't worry about what she SAYS. Words mean nothing. Actions are what your looking at now.
Part three
How about a blend.
I like the attitude that no matter what happens you're going to move on and have a great life with or with out her.
Live your life according to your code.
First define your code. By that I mean what are your beliefs?
Your core values?
Live by those and definitive lines drawn and people will respect you, even your WAS.

Gr8, are you suggesting that I don't reply to anything she texts me? Like if she sends me a random text with a funny picture in it that I don't even acknowledge it?

What are you getting from them?

Would you reply to a boss that fired you from a job?

[ben11]

I don't really need to worry about the texts much... I think that was her way to respond to my message, without really responding. I don't expect to get many/any more messages like that.

And how I'd reply to a boss that fired me? I dunno. Depends I guess why I was fired and how long it's been. I want to show the boss that he fired me by mistake, so may as well keep the road to R open, or 'paved and smooth'.

One thing I know is that carrying a grudge is way too much work. I don't want to do anything out of spite, retaliation, or vindictiveness, which includes deliberately ignoring messages from W. Sure, I don't need to expand on them, but I can acknowledge them in a way that doesn't smell of persual. I want to be who I am: a fun, happy, and loyal person. I want to treat others how I'd like to be treated. I've wasted time in the past being angry and vindictive (not just with W), and it never got me anywhere. This is a 180 just for life in general. Feels good to let go of the grudges.

[bustorama]

Yeah, none of this is about being vindictive or spiteful or punishing. It's about being who you want to be and living the way you want to live.

Who wants to live in limbo, fixated on a WAS that does not want to be with them?

Again, watch Swingers. Watch his life when he is in limbo and still fixated on her. Just look at Mikey. He's a wreck! He overlooks all the positive things he's got going for him. Not just how positive his future is, but how positive his present is. But because he is so preoccupied with his WAS and the broken relationship, he overlooks the good and high potential in himself and his life.

.

Like gr8 said, no one needs to play a waiting game. You accept that your W has fired you as her H. If you get fired from a job, do you hang around texting your boss and writing them letters and hoping they will change their mind? Nah, you'd maybe work to improve yourself and fix whatever you got fired for, enjoy some of the time off while you can being busy with stuff you enjoy, and then start to look for another job. There are thousands of other jobs out there that you are highly qualified for. Maybe the boss will realize what a big mistake she made in letting you go and call you to ask you back. For her sake, hopefully sooner than later.

If not, you'll be ok because there are LOTS of well-paying jobs out there with all kinds of benefits you may not have even imagined. And a well spent vacation ain't bad either.



(Gr8, btw, it is gr8 to see you. Sounds like things are going awesome for you and the kiddos, congrats!)

[ben11]

I appreciate both of your input... kind of what I needed to hear right now. For the most part, I'm doing pretty good at recognizing the good in my life. I just need to let go a bit more of the things I can't control. I'll work on that.

I've been mulling over a trip to Europe in the fall. Just me, a backpack, some cash, and a camera. It's been over 3 weeks of thinking about it, and I get more and more excited to do it the more I think about it.

What would either of your opinion be on dating?

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thanks for the Swinger's clip...I needed that too

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I just need to let go a bit more of the things I can't control

Yes,
Letting go completely of what you cont cantrol is even better.
It takes retraining the mind and it wont happen over noght the key is the be aware when things are happening.

What would either of your opinion be on dating?

I leave that up to you to decide what's best for you.
For my experience, I chose to date 8 months after the bomb.
And that was after looking my W in the eyes and asking if she wanted a D? And if she thought that was the best thing for us?
Both yes.
Don't date if your looking to just get back your ex. Women are very keen on picking up on that vibe and will not want to see you again.
Dating did give me back my confidence. The feelig of someone WANTING to be with me was great.
I thought I was totally over my WAW. I needed more time to heal.
However, after my WAW found out I was dating and was happy, she then started to have second thoughts. She did come back.

If you think getting a second chance was hard, piecing is 10 times harder.

I've been mulling over a trip to Europe in the fall. Just me, a backpack, some cash, and a camera. It's been over 3 weeks of thinking about it, and I get more and more excited to do it the more I think about it.

Excellent idea, start living.
only you can make that happen. That's in your control.

[bustorama]

The backpacking idea is so perfect. Hard to do that if you are married to (or even in a relationship with) someone. That's right, seize the opportunity that life has given you.

Re: dating, I was all over the place in my mind with this, which to me made it clear to me that I was not ready for it. Being around women I would recommend, though. Just getting flirted with and hit on does wonders for the soul.

And you may end up with a crazy story involving your soon-to-be divorced next door neighbor trying to pick you up in the dark storage bowels of a model train museum while you drink keg beer with random hash house harriers after you literally ran over her on a jog 30 miles from home in the pouring rain under the biggest double rainbow in recorded history.

[ben11]

And you may end up with a crazy story involving your soon-to-be divorced next door neighbor trying to pick you up in the dark storage bowels of a model train museum while you drink keg beer with random hash house harriers after you literally ran over her on a jog 30 miles from home in the pouring rain under the biggest double rainbow in recorded history.

Ya, we're gonna need to hear more of this story!

The weird/funny/twisted part of me and this potential Europe trip is I'd actually like to go as a totally single guy. I want to just do whatever I want without worrying about the morarity of having a W (in any capacity) back at home... If you catch my drift.

And the dating question is just when it would be "okay" to start actively persuing other women for a more than friends relationship. This could include online dating or getting set up on dates with friends of friends. I don't feel ready yet, and may not until/if D is final, was just putting it out there.