As for moving out whether it's right or wrong I'm not good at that.
What I can say is to make the most awesome bachelor pad you can afford. So much that W wonders if other women will be impressed. Doesn't mean you will be bringing in other women, but if she thinks you could it'll bring up your value in her eyes. If you get a dingy place, and then keep it looking like a mess it'll just push her away.
Oh and while you're away don't be constantly available to her, build a little mystery.
It is going to take several weeks for the dust to settle, to repair the damage.
We had another R talk again last night and she said ‘I can’t see us ever reconciling’
She also said ‘ the day before she was feeling happy’ …..meaning she had had a good few weeks (since separation)….but now felt as if the ‘life had been sucked out of her’, she is very unhappy again.
She kept comparing how happy she was before the fight to how unhappy she was feeling now.
Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see...i guess
I have to take all this as meaning….she was good and feeling a bit better about us (or at least the sitch) until the big fight….so when I separate permanently, hopefully these more positive feelings will return.
The bad news is that I can’t disappear overnight and it might take a couple of weeks to find an apartment.
So she probably will not be positive for a few weeks or even months
One positive is that she did not mention D.
I also learnt that she thought our M problems started 6 years ago and she has felt lonely for a v long time (because of my lack of communication).
She believes ‘that love is a feeling’, not a choice or decision….which is bad news…..she is in love with her hurt and negative feelings towards me…and of course she is going with what she feels….i need to get rid of those negative feelings She also still feels very guilty (and selfish….her words) because she is breaking up the family.
Her best friend said that she would never break up the family , no matter how unhappy she was, ‘for the sake of the kids’
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Decided to get an IC.... I have asked for a consultation....to make sure they are pro marriage and maybe pro MWD.
Trouble is I cant afford to have a session every week.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Oh and while you're away don't be constantly available to her, build a little mystery.
W has been making the kids available to me this last few weeks...they couldnt come round to my accommodation the last two weekends...When I move out it will change...they will do sleepovers at my place, some weekdays when I am at home and some weekend nights. She wants some QT away from me and the kids and I want to see some of them....it will be difficult to LRT
Today I did a half marathon in training and weighed in at 162lbs...I am looking trim and healthy,....just need a lot of sleep and to switch my brain off.
Did a little bit of small talk with W no R talk.....I dont think we will R talk for a good few weeks now
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Correction, you won't have R talk for a very LONG time
Just don't bring it up unless she does. It only sets you back and does nothing. I know you want to soothe your fears, but it'll just make things worse. If you have to have R talk, the relationship is not good enough. That's how she thinks.
In her mind a good relationship should not have its temperature checked frequently.
Think of it like checking a fever, you don't stick a thermometer in every hour of everyday to see if you are healthy. Usually when you do it's because you are confirming bad news.
Trust me when she's ready she'll come to you.
Oh and her saying she doesn't know if you two will ever fix it, that's how she feels today. Tomorrow she may love you, these feelings will fluctuate.
In a matter of days/weeks she will have what she wants...separation
From now on the only thing to work on is me...and in particular my relationship skills....over the last few weeks...4/1 to 4/27 I was doing what was working....even if it was only a small extent.
I have cut the tether to her and released her....now I concentrate on me.
I have 3 days at a Congress with work colleagues who I dont see very often...I will GAL happily..good food and some drink, combined with work and play.
Wednesday night I will be back home trying to find a small house. W wants me to get a 2 bedroom place with a small outside area for the kids to play...I'm happy to do that...she is putting some of her savings into it.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
The nights are so hard....I just cant sleep ....all the stupid shortsighted mistakes i have made rear their ugly heads.
Today was hard at the Congress.
W and I work in the medical profession. Me for a multi national vendor and she in a hospital ....we both have 20 year careers in the profession and lots of (dozens) mutual friends/acquaintances.
She is not at the Congress because she has to look after the kids....but lots of people have come up to me today and asked about W and the kids...it is so hard to smile and lie that everything is great...I feel gutted inside, also guilt and shame.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I think her primary love language is : Words of Affirmation…..especially ‘I love you’….
Her secondary love language is: physical touch.
All my childhood: although my siblings and I had loving parents, they never said ‘I Love You’ either to each other (in earshot) or to us…..they also weren’t big on hugs or kisses or any physical touches.
It is hardly surprising then that I have difficulty expressing either of these and instead my Primary Love language is ‘Quality Time’ with ‘Words of Affirmation’ a close second…I was always seeking approval from my parents (and W)
This is also expressed in passive/aggressive behaviour as written in No More Mr Nice Guy.
It is impossible for me to express my W’s love languages without overtly pursuing….so I have to wait it out…… until she decides to work on the marriage…but at least I know now.
So I am learning about love languages and my own behavioural faults and can only try to rectify them…WORK on ME.
To me, her other big complaints ‘ no emotional connection’ ‘ no communication’ – stem from these three.
An empty love tank and my passive/aggressive behaviour (which made her not complain)…led to the ‘no emotional connection’ ‘ no communication’
So what can I do:
First get rid of the passive/aggressive behaviour….also let her heal, have patience (the hardest part),no more raincheck, no more R talks, no more ‘I have changed’. Just try to be more like the man she fell in love with.
Hopefully she will come towards me
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
First get rid of the passive/aggressive behaviour….also let her heal, have patience (the hardest part),no more raincheck, no more R talks, no more ‘I have changed’. Just try to be more like the man she fell in love with.
Hopefully she will come towards me
I'm working on the same issues! I know it's tough. Try to sleep... I find the days are much easier fulfilling for ME if I go to bed a little earlier than I would in the past. This gives me a little time to get my brain to shutup!
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I now fully realise that my Primary Love Language is Quality Time:
This has been lacking for me ever since we had children. Before we would do everything together, afterwards it semeed we never did anything together.
My job is one factor spending 80 -100 nights a year away from home - this obviously doesnt help.
Another is a lack of babysitters so she would go out with the girls and I would stay at home or vice versa. When we did go out together i really enjoyed it.
Also in the evening watching TV , I was happy to watch it and not talk, but she would always dictate what we watched. I am a TV snob and resented some the 'crap' TV she watched , but in a passive aggressive way, outwardly accepting, inside resenting.
Another example is bedtime: she likes to read and then sleep she stopped cuddling me.
Also she never set boundaries for the boys in the morning. They were free to wake up and run into our room and jump into our bed. I wanted QT with her even if it was for only 10 minutes. We used to talk for hours together in bed before kids.
i also remember complaining over the years that we 'never get any QT together'
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
