My advice is stay broken up and just keep reiterating that the relationship isn't working for you and you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. I suspect that anything he's doing to "come around" is only temporary, set off by the fact that he probably expected you to be a sort of arm's length detached girlfriend for a long time. My fear if you took him back based on a few panicky moves on his part would be that he'd just go right back to the way he'd been all this time.
The bottom line is that it isn't as if you have seen this guy be emotionally available and then LOSE the availability. It has never, ever been there. So he's not suddenly going to just become a different person overnight.
Emotionally unavailable people stay that way because it works for them. They won't change if all the people around them accomodate them.
You know that I'm seeing a guy right now, and frankly he and I have discussed HIS "wall" or issues with emotional detachment...he's really good at being a friend, a very good friend, but as for that next level, he admits he's a "pull-back" hesitant to really let someone in type of guy.
My response to this? I'm pulling back from him. I'm not going to keep lavishing attention on him in hopes that my emotional availability will "change" him. He has to WANT to change. (He says he has a desire to open up but I don't think he knows how or he's scared). So like I said, I'm pulling back emotionally myself and just checking my feelings so that I'm not making any assumptions about he and I being any closer than we are right now. It's hard, but I don't see any other way to give him space to open up if he wants and to preserve my feelings too.
It may be that this guy could change, but not overnight and not just to temporarily appease you. I think your best course is to pull back and stick to your break up and GAL.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
As always, I get on this site and start reading. And almost everyday strike gold in reading other peoples comments.
AntoniaB wrote: The bottom line is that it isn't as if you have seen this guy be emotionally available and then LOSE the availability. It has never, ever been there. So he's not suddenly going to just become a different person overnight.
Emotionally unavailable people stay that way because it works for them. They won't change if all the people around them accomodate them.
True and wow! Renee, I hope you and I are both listening.
I am so glad there are so many smart people on here who know how to use their words! I often feel like a child, wanting to express something, but just don't know how to get it out!
Hang in there Renee!
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Kim bf says the same thing about gaming....it takes him away and he can relax. How did you ex find ow? If he worked and came home all the time where did she come in?
Antonia I agree with what you said. Just today he called and said something about looking at a vehicle to buy. Said he wasnt buying today. I said why? He said his money was tied up at bank. I said why is it tied up? He got upset and said it doesnt matter, stop getting into my business. when i say its tied up thats all you need to know. very defensive over nothing. Now mind you, I check and OPEN his mail for him. He puts me in his business. I never know what I can or can not ask. Maybe I was being nosey, but we have been together almost three yrs. Dont I have that right?
Xh worked with Ow for a year or more and they developed a friendship that obviously turned into more and it still went on after he quit his job. She remained at the same place of work for over a year after he quit. She also moved out of town too. Im pretty sure each time he left and came back, she rejected him, and told him that she would not have anything to do with him until he left me for good and got his own place. He had her in the sack a little over a month after he moved out and got his own place.
I find that comment he made to you rude. He was basically welcoming you right into the conversation, then turned on you. I find that passive aggressive. He just made it your business by opening up the conversation about him purchasing a vehicle. You conversed with him over it and now you're in trouble for butting into his business?
Xh told me that he should only have to tell me once and ONLY ONCE that he is upset about something and should never have to do any explaining about anything. Basically to me that states " do not test my authority, what so ever".
In attempts to really try and understand my XH and this rollercoaster I've been on with him Ive had to do alot of studying. I've had to because he's not going to just open up and talk to me. What has really validated and helped me understand Xh is reading on emotional unavailability, and passive aggressiveness. Im also reading NO more Mr. Nice guy. If you haven't read up on this ( which you probably have) I suggest to google it and read up. I've also downloaded some books on my iphone too.
To make it a little more clear and concise, this is what I've come away with. Some men have the "disease to please". If they please everyone, and do everything right, then they expect they will get everything they need emotionally returned back to them. TThey're incapable of expressing their wants and needs in a healthy way to someone else. Unfortuneatly what happens is they build up unrealistic expectations of how this is supposed to be returned to them from other people. When love, admiration, and respect isn't returned to them in the way they expect it, then that's when the real trouble starts. They feel rejected and like failures. Then they become resentful and angry, and continue to stuff it down instead of expressing it in a more assertive and healthy way. Then the emotional unavailability comes in, the passive aggression, and then the spew and eruption of a volcano.
AFter reading up on these subjects, I have the majority of the answers I need. I now understand why XH would come across as Prince Charming and Knight in Shining Armour, then not even be able to look me in the eye and have any sort of emotional connection....( not being able to say I love you) All the while seething with anger, resentment, and blame towards me. Then after that stack is blown, start the cycle all over again. And he's still doing this from time to time.
But until they're able to realize that the real and true reason of their unhappiness is because of their inability to see that their own needs are met, well it's going to be everyone elses fault.
I found with myself, it all rolled back to my father and how I learned to interact with him as a child...do things JUST right and he may validate...if not, well, I learned how I did everything wrong...so I was never sure where I stood, and that insecurity rolled into my relationships and M. And through W's crisis...same thing, that insecurity and/or uncertainty keeps messing with my PMA...i.e., if I don't do things exactly correct, W/job/etc will go. Always working on overcoming that....
Sunshine, reading what BF said to you above...and this is from a guy....let.him.go...his behavior is beyond "normal male" emotional aloofness...to be honest, reading the above that you wrote kinda creeps me out, and kinda sounds emotionally abusive...I wouldn't want him for a friend, fwiw.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I don't have solutions. Except to say that through the years and the many men I thought I loved, I have found that often the man I think I love isn't the man he is at all. It's as if I project my desires onto a man and then think he is wonderful and I love him. But always, they have feet of clay, and when I get to know the real person, I realize that what I loved was an image I had in my head, not him at all. I've come to terms with that and have stopped looking for love in all the wrong places. But I spent a good long time doing it.
Oh! Where oh where is the Like Button? Great post.
Renee, this is so, so, so, so true. there is a line in a country song called Shut Up and Drive by Cheyly Wright (? not sure of artist) and it's something like
He's the one who will be missing you, and you'll only miss the man, who you wanted him to be.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Update on Son: I just received a call a while ago from my son's gf's mom that xh has kicked son out of the house. Gf's mom told son that she was calling me and son said ok. My son is suppose to call me tomorrow! I haven't talked to him in almost three yrs. I don't know the details and am NOT going to ask. I want no part of his and his dad's fight. I am just Thankful to GOD that my son is going to talk to me. I am going to offer him a place to stay for as long as he wants. Many here told me this would happen and someone at my Church told me also. GOD is an on time GOD. I am so thankful to him.
As far as bf.... I told him tonight that if he continued to talk to me the way he did, I was not going to speak to him. I said I would go on with my life. He yelled and said DO NOT play games like that with him.(something to that sort). In other words, he doesnt believe me.
You all are right. Bf wasnt this way in the beginning. He says he feels like I push him. I told him if, after almost 3 yrs. he felt like I was pushing him to remind me he loves me than he must not at all. He got mad and hung up.
For the longest time I told myself to distance my opinions on your threads. Something you just posted, though, is going to make me go against my better judgement. Please be careful with this BF you speak of Anytime you've spoke about him, whether it was good or bad, my gut feeling was that he was not emotionally stable and/or available. Kind of Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde personality, you know? I'm not saying he couldn't have decent/caring moments that he shared with you...but it's not a seemingly permanent facet of his personality. He's too much into himself/he internalizes instead of shares. And he also seems to be verbally abusive if he doesn't like what is going on.
Does have a short fuse? When he told you not to play games with him like that...did it sound like and 'or else' type of statement? Please don't feel that you need to defend him if you consider answering that question. He is who he is..you're not going to change him, no matter how you think you might be able to. Many people here have already told you that, and they are right.
Have you ever felt uncomfortable around him? Walking on eggshells, not sure if something you say/do will set off his temper? Please try to keep these things in mind when you're making a decision about him.
I agree so much with what others have already suggested to you. I hope you will pay heed, and follow their advice.
I hope your relationship with your son, when it's the right time, will start to mend. Just remember, he's been through he** and back too, and he's going to have major issues he'll have to work through on his own. Just let him know you are there, but make it clear there will be no disrespect..you won't be treated like he's seen your xh dole out to you.
You're a strong person...set your boundaries and keep them. and remember to also respect yourself.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I think you should dump the BF and concentrate on your son now.
You need to work on yourself and your relationship with your son right now and not babysit or court a grown man who seems not to know which way is up.
Plus as I said before you need to find out why you seem to fixate on this damage relationship which is not healthy which you know and why you want to hang on to it.
Tell BF you need to focus on your son now, for that is a very important bridge you will be working to rebuild. I hope things go well and the healing can begin with your son.
Another thing I think we all need to remember, this is on God's time, not ours.
That last comment your BF made, sent chills down my spine, the short fuse. Xh started doing that to me a bit the last few years. Short fuse out of no where. One night after work he made a comment to me that I thought was really rude. I excused myself to calm down and decide how I was going to explain to him that I didn't appreciate it. He later came into the bedroom and kindly said " did I say something to upset you?" I responded " yes you did. I didn't really like what you said about me and D. I just didn't think it was funny." His response... and I don't want to offend here, because the short fuse is the point Im trying to make here. His response : Jesus F******Christ! I can't F****** say anything to you! F*** You! Im never talking to you about anything anymore!""
And with that comment my dear Sunshine...Xh didn't speak to me for 1 week and one of those days being my birthday.
Don't put up with that from your BF. No one deserved to be spoken to like that.
