W had an affair from January 1st, 2011 and then told me it was over when I discovered it March 1st, 2011. Started counseling (again... part of her meetings were to skip individual counseling sessions). While trying to reconcile, I felt like I was beating my head against the wall. For 5 months after... it was pure hell. No responsibility, no apologies, flippant and arrogant - needed her "space". I was fed up and checked myself into Mental Health Unit. Came out with flying colors and new outlook on keeping myself healthy. She told me she was sorry and we would never talk about it again. Counselor told her that was extremely unwise. Gave her so much trust to try to move forward. During 2 month affair, she brought the other man into my home while I was out of town. Things culminated into her wanting a divorce in mid-July, then changing her mind. At this time, I felt like I had taken her back twice now.
Fast forward to December 2011... discover she continued affair from March until July. She told other man she was divorcing me for him and he dumped her like a ton of bricks. She continued seeing him while I was in Mental Health Unit for 2 weeks, took him to our summer cottage, played hookey from work to drive to his house 35 miles one way for their fling. Cost of $$ she took from me and the kids for this guy - in excess of 2500.00. Between the other guy dropping her in July until Christmas 2011 - she wrote emails to family members saying how she was disgusted by me and cried over other man. From march 2011 until Christmas 2011, she demonized me and assassinated my character to family, friends, and church members.
Confronted her in early 2012 that I knew what was going on and she was a nervous wreck. Tried to blame me, told her I wasn't having that. Told me everything (I knew it all already, but wasn't giving her any more chances of lying to me). Says she only wants me and is truly sorry.
Here is my dilemma... from March 2011 until Christmas 2011, she was making me miserable. Her mantra was "I am just not there yet", to which I would reply "Mt fear is that when you ARE there, I may not be". So in confronting her in January 2012 with the knowledge that it was still going on and her saying she wants only me... to me that is a THIRD time taking her back. Problem is, I don't think I can ever forgive her. I believe I don't love her anymore and am just going through the motions. There has been no begging for my forgiveness, no gifts of peace and reassurance, no sincere apologies at all.... NOTHING from her. I feel like I am "just not there".
My definition of a broken heart is as follows... when you love someone so much, and you hate them just as much, Your heart is literally broken in two.
She tells me we need to move on - but I try to explain to her that this is all fresh for me - the continuance of the affair. I try to tell her to put herself in my shoes. She always replies "I don't know what that means". I feel like I am beating my head against the wall again.
She is following my rules now - calling me every hour from her work phone, texting me pictures of who she is having lunch with, allowing the phone tracked to be checked whenever I feel like it. But it's not enough for me... the words she said to me and others have deeply scarred me and I don't know if I can ever recover from them. I have banned myself from the summer cottage (that used to be my once-a-year retreat as I am a stay at home dad). She is FURIOUS that I will never go there again. I explained to her "I cannot move from the home we are in, because we are locked in financially... but not so with the cottage. I cannot go there as it is bad enough that I am tortured with thoughts of this person being in my bed... my home. I am not going to subject myself to painful memories at the cottage".
Well, that is my story in a nutshell. Advice? Comments? Any help would be appreciated.
Hi. How are you working on forgiving your wife ? How are you working on healing yourself ? Are you reading self help books like No More Mr. Nice guy or hold on to your nuts ?
You know you cannot keep her following your rules forever. That will not work. I know now that you are making her do extra work for the rebuilding of the trust. But it cannot go on forever.
What boundaries have you put in place ?
Does your wife know and understand your boundaries and what is unacceptable to you?
What are you doing to improve communication both ways? What is she doing to improve communication both ways?
What have you both decided on doing about the character assassination with family and friends?
How are you explaining to her your triggers ?
Why do you think she is showing no remorse ?
Does your wife understand about affairs and how it affects everyone around her ? If not then you need to educate her.
Books. MC. And when your ready. Marriage forums.
You know if the cottage is bothering you that much. Sell it and get another one.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Hang in there, I feel your pain. My W just got out of a EA/PA. Said ILYBINILWY. It was a roller coaster. I moved out this week, she thinks to give her her space, but more to take care of me. I don't want to end the marriage. I bought DR and DB.
In 3 days out, she has already asked me to come back, but only because of the inconvenience it has caused her (we have 2 kids). So I am not going back because she is not ready to have me back.
Make sure you take care of yourself first and foremost - make yourself a priority. Chatterbug made a lot of good points.
