divorced now for 15 yrs after 29 yr marriage to career military man. He left me for OW[ affair had been going on for 8 mo before he told me} He was stationed in another state at time of affair, so I had no clue at the time. He is still with OW, they live together, but have no plans for marriage. She is 64 and my ex and I are both 63.
My ex and I have 4 grown children and 3 young grandchildren. The OW has no children. She was married once many yrs ago, divorced and then had another relationship for 10 yrs that did not result in marriage. She was unattached when she met my then husband. My oldest son has had behavior problems since childhood and caused much turmoil in our household.Our marriage was stressed due to that and the fact that my husband then was out of town a lot with his military job and I was pretty much raising 4 children by myself and working fulltime, and dealing with an out of control child. I was stressed to the max.. My ex husband stated at time of divorce that our son was one of the reasons he was leaving and the other was that our sex life was suffering and he didn't want to live like that for the rest of his life. Of course back then I was devastated and did everything wrong. I really wanted to save marriage, but was not able to. Fast forward to the present: EX husband hadpretty much left me to deal with oldest son who is now 41, until 4 yrs ago when son was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and had to be involuntary comitted to a crisis stabilization unitfor several days and has been in out pt therapy every since.. Its been a long 4 yrs, but son is stabilized and will be getting his own apt soon, but will always need assistance of some kind. I had to acutally beg my ex for help 4 yrs ago and things have improved immensely between us. We saw acounselor who agreed that he needed to help as I could not shoulder this alone. My problem is now in relating to my ex--its confusing for me as he now acts like we are good friends, etc,.Having to have freq conversations with my ex has stirred up feelings that I don't want to feel anymore. How to I get passed it? I have never spoken to OW in all these years. She does not like my son, and he is not allowed at their house. Of course, I know thtat is my ex's problem not mine to deal with, but it still just irritates me. I guess I want to know the correct way to respond to ex. Do I act pure business like, or fake friendliness. It took me literally many yrs to get over divorce and I am scared I might start regressing. ANy advice from other divorced people out there?
I can not speak as a divorced person and certainly have not been legally or otherwise for anywhere near as long as you.
What I CAN say is that my Aunt and her ex D'd many years ago. I'm going out on a limb here and saying at LEAST 15 years. It took my Aunt a long time to get over things (H left her for OW based on historical data) and the D was horrible.
The short story is, after much good advice she received over time (similar to what is offered by DB), her and her ex are now friendly.
I don't think they would ever get back together, she still calls him stupid (and I'm sure he still calls her crazy), but they are actually quite friendly and sit together and talk when I've ever seen them together. They have two children and three grand children. AFAIK, he is still with (an) OW (if they can be called that, now; she remained single this whole time) and (as described) neither have remarried.
So I think what I'm observing from some that I know quite well of long term D that have "re-connected" (and this is pretty much what we would advise here, no matter what) is that unless BOTH parties indicate there is interest to re-build the R, then all you can do is just be civil and treat him at least like an acquaintance and at best as a friend, depending on how much he leans towards you and is open and honest with you.
If, as you say, there are emotions that are creeping in that you'd rather not deal with, then be as distant as necessary for your own well being.
I wish you well.
For the record, I would say it really is a shame that your H stated that he left because of your oldest and lack of sex... I hope you have let that one go. Those are his issues that he will have to deal with if he hasn't, yet.
I have done a lot of thinking and reading other posts for additional insight. Due to our oldest's son mental illness, we did see a clinical psychologist who did state that ex husband needed to help out more, because I could not shoulder the whole burden.
Psychologist suggested that he take son out for dinner once a week and maybe to the store to let son buy some snacks, etc. Ex has been agreeable to that and has done that on a regular basis. Psychologist also suggested we attend a Family to Family class, to learn more about mental illness, which we did, and then when the 12 week class was finished, we both joined the support group for families with mentally ill relative, which psychologist, thought was a good idea. I attend support grp on fairly regular basis, but ex comes more sporatically.
My ex has done what the psychologist has suggested, but little more than that. I sometimes thinks he does just enough to keep me off his back! He and his long term OW are very social and do a lot of things. That has always taken priority and he fits the son thing in around it. I am not saying that to sound angry or petty==that is just the way it is.
I think my main problem stems from intermittent contact with the ex. I never know when he is going to be there, and it catches me off guard. WE are the only divorced couple in the grp. There are husband/wife couples there who have been through the same problems with a mentally ill child and they have remained together in long term marriages. I wonder why they were able to keep it together, when my ex says one of the reasons he left was because of son.... When at the support group meetings he is always very pleasant, will sit next to me if there is an open chair, and acts like we are good friends. In fact at the last meeting, he was talking with someone at the end of the meeting. When I got home there was a voicemail he left saying that he was sorry we didn't get to talk more at the meeting, but that I looked so nice and he really liked my outfit and hair that night, and that we would talk later!! However, [which I knew about already-no secret, as they have gone yearly for the past three yrs], two days later, he was going on a one week ski trip out of the country with his female friend and several other couples!! Would you call this cake eating or just trying to be nice????? These are the things that keep me attached and confused.
Some days I wish I could go totally dark, but with mentally ill son, I need whatever help I can get from ex, so I cannot totally cut off all communication. I have no other family in the area to help.
As I stated in previous post, there is the other long term OW, who wants little or nothing to do with son[ she does not even really want him at their house], and it seems she runs the show when it comes to ex spending any additional time, etc with his son. So, many times I feel like I am having to fight against her influence. I don't understand how you can be with someone who does not like or want your child around, especially when they have a mental problem. I get the fear factor, but I have offered to drop out of support group so she could attend and learn more about son's illness, but ex says she is not the least bit interested, and that seems to be okay with him.
I guess I'm just mentally tired. It just seems like it never ends--divorce doesn't seem to solve problems. By the way, I do 't mean to sound pathetic. I do have a very full life and a lot of GAL activites.. Just needed to vent today.
Is there anyone else out there who has to deal with a mentally ill child and deal with an ex spouse?
Just a thought... If your husband has spent a lot of time building a new life, one that your son was not a part of, his emotional connection has likely weaned just as it did to you. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder.
Now, pre-empting the likely backlash of women reading this by acknowledging that pissed off women would disagree with the next part I write - to each their own....
Many women, intentionally or not, allow the stereotypes to take over about the role of fathers. Fathers are very important, just as much as mothers are. Your ex might have bought into those stereotypes that likely were prevalent in your divorce as well. If he does not feel that he is important to your son, and that your son is not his anymore, his involvement would be naturally low.
Build his relationship over time. Let him see, not be told, that he is important. Thank him without any tone of "it's about time" or "what kind of dad are you".
While I have my kids 3.5 days a week, I have had to fight for that. Many times in the past and present, I have almost let my frustrations lead to me giving up and walking away. Your husband may have had a much better time with you, but when affairs are present, I wonder how much he sees you as a source of judgment? The other side of getting him involved is making sure the small ways you (rightly) feel anger to his treatment of you and your son compared to anyone not be part of the equation.
In the end, he is who he was in many ways. If he wasn't a "kid" person, he still isn't. Many fathers I know become more dad-like over time. He doesn't see his son long enough to do that without YOUR help & the right friends/support. He may also not have got over the special needs of your son. I've heard it is very trying to all parents.
Instead of him being involved because someone said he needed to "help out more", involve him FOR your son. Your son may not say it, but he likely wants or will want a connection to his dad. Did you know that the majority of prisoners were raised in single mother led homes? Think of his involvement as a way to show your love for your son rather than a duty or way to lower your stress.
I'm sure your life is harder than you've posted, but the uphill battle is ALREADY succeeding. Did you think that he'd even do what he's doing last year?
Thank you for your reply. I should give you a little backround history of our family dynamics. OUr mentally ill son , since childhood has had behavior problems. He is 41 now, but back when he was little, we couldn't seem to get a diagnosis on what was causing his problems. Attention deficit was just starting to be diagnosed and dr thought that may be that was his problem. However, meds did not help.
As he got older, the problems became more pronounced-trouble at school, fighting with younger brother, defiant, trouble with law. His father and I did what we could to help him and try to get a diagnosis as to what was wrong. However, there came a point when husband decided he was just a bad kid and needed more discipline. They had a lot of yelling matches[no physical violence], but there was tension in the household.It got to the point where our sons problems kind of took over the house. WE did argue at times because I always thought there was something mentally wrong with son-that it was more than behavior related. We also had three younger children to care for. When we were going through divorce, husband sent our son to his parents to see if they could somehow help him. They ended up giving him money on a regular basis, as son unable to hold down a "normal" job. He was able to earn a small income doing computer work, but not enough to be self sustainable.
When his behavior became so bizarre, his parents called and said we needed to do something with our son as something was very wrong. My now ex brought son back, but he moved son in with me to take care of., as husbands OW would not allow son at their home.
Fast forward to the present. He was finally diagnosed with schizophrenia, approx 4 yrs ago.. I think ex feels some guilt about how he felt towards son,when he was a child, now that we know he has probably always had this diagnosis.
My ex is a very good dad to the other kids, but with this son it has always been different. I have done whatever I could to encourage a relationship between them, as I feel a father is very important. A son needs a father figure. I think my ex is at a point, where he just doesn't want to deal with anymore of this. Like I said, I think he does just enough to keep me off his back--which I'm really not. IT is their relationship to work out. I guess I'm just disappointed in that it seems to be ok with ex that I do all the care, and call him if I might need something. Its not a 50/50 coparent relationship. I should add that son lives in grp home during week. Ex takes him out to dinner mid week, for approx 2 hrs time frame. Son comes to my house on Friday night at 4pm and spends the weekend, going back to grp home either Sunday night or Monday morning.
Again, thank you for your insight. I appreciate any response I get so I can clarify things in my mind.
I have new question--please see above for overall history if interested. ex husband takes our son who is schizophrenic, out to dinner weekly. Two days ago, ex asked me if I wanted to join them. I was kind of shocked, but agreed since it is down the street from where ex and I attend monthly support grp for parents of Mental ill relative. Son has asked to bring a friend to dinner--this friend happens to also be Mentally ill and is a lady around the same age. They have made a friendship for about 6 months now. I have no problem with that, except I am now torn about going. Somehow it feels like I would be on a "double date". My ex has live in gf of many yrs and I don't know if this is appropriate. Looking for some quick advice on whether I should go.
Do I wanat to get back with ex? I did for a very long time [we have been divorced 15 yrs], and I think I had unrealistic hopein that as long as he hadn't married long term OW, that perhaps she wasn't the one. I really thought I was over him, but having contact these last few yrs because of mentally ill son, has stirred up feelings again-and that is very scary to me. I don't want to go down that road again. I did go to the dinner mentioned above. It was so nice to see my son have moment of participating in normal type behavior-It gave me a glimpse of him being happy while on a dinner date. Thanks everyone who responded.
