I have detached- that's my specialty. There's no question I continue to do what makes me happy regardless of his reaction.
I have said F it... I've moved passed caring what he thinks about my actions. We went to watch an Irish rock band for St. Paddy's day (and S's birthday), I dance, I sang... he stands there and complains about the cold. And I mean, I dance... I can Irish step, so can S's girlfriend so we had a blast.
I don't join him in the negativity, I know he's going to be a fuddy duddy, but I still skip, dance, have fun. I have cleaned in my undies- no effect. I've slept with pillows between us, no effect. I've slept naked, no effect. It honestly and truly doesn't matter what I do, or change H is still the same.
I do busy myself and avoid his crazy when possible. I work, I have fun with the kids shopping or playing, etc. I am back in school so I spend a ton of time writing my papers and researching for my dissertation. I'll pack the kids off to the library with me. I blare music and sing while I write...
I know I have changed- I guess that's why I'm at the point I am. I've changed so much, that I can't keep going down this road. It has to end.
I do find happiness outside the M (and with the kiddos)- and I'm accused of having affairs. Oh ya, he's a real doozie. I know he stops in on my study groups to make sure I'm really there and not sleeping with someone (despite the fact I have never had an affair, ever; even when we were split)
Oh, we have tried those date nights, just us, no kids.... he talked on his phone most of the night.
I even think I'm to the point where it's not even ILYBINILWY, it's just I want a D and I'll be civil and polite, but we're not even at the friend level anymore, let alone ILY.
So if you choose to do something different... and I do hope you do, or you too will join crazy... lol... I do hope that the choices that you make, first and foremost serve you... but secondarily... that the choices you make after that fact are M friendly... even if your H may make different choices...
Make sense? Hope that helps...
Thanks. It's funny how they ask for what they want, and when you give it them they still want something different.
H always says he fell in love with my funny, joyful, free spirit and confidence...oh well.
All my previous changes have been marriage friendly- ask for what I want/need, compliment, validate, etc. What am I on, 8 years of this? 9? I've done GAL, last resort, gone dark... I saved my marriage once...
I've been to crazyville, now it's time to leave.
(Ha, Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody just came on my iPod)
OMFG, I sooo hear you on the him on the phone thing for date night... ugh... that is SO my W...
OK, yeah... I've always had an open door policy in my house and while my W said that she didn't like it (well, who does, really...) but she too was open door... because if it wasn't actually the door, we'd be in the middle of a deep convo and the phone would ring... I'd ignore it, but she'd take it... then the kids walk in and distract us... then the door would open and friends or family barge in... *sigh*...
and I'll validate you... there is something seriously wrong with your H...
I take laying nekkid in bed as an open invitation... you mentioned before how your H said he was busy with papers and then asking you days later if the offer was still on the table... srsly???!
So... about changing the sitch... are you ready to have an LBS on your case? Not trying to change your mind... I completely understand where you are at. Truly, I'd thought about it before my W bombed me... I was just too afraid of being alone, I think... hiding behind commitment to my vows... all real, but still avoiding a truth... It's possible my W was thinking the same... until the opportunity arose...
What's the plan?
What if he goes through the LBS stuff and then, even actually DBs and becomes a better man that only a fool would leave...?
lying nekkid, a text asking for sex, locking the bedroom door before getting into bed .... all pretty much universal symbols right?
My whole family has an open door policy. No one knocks, we never have. Open the door and holler, then come on in; that's why locks were invented- if we don't want you in, the door is locked.
Honestly, and this is my gut speaking; H won't change as a LBS. He won't be on my case. He didn't change in the 3 years we were separated, I have no reason to even suspect he'd change now.
And one step further.... I guess I'd take the role of the fool, and I'd send my regards to his next wife.
My plan? Well, it's gonna sound like the chicken sh... way out, but H is a control freak. So as a last ditch effort to acknowledge that and validate his control.... my plan is actually to tell him I want a D but since we both have the school year to finish, he can decide on a time frame so he has time to find a place to live and decide what he wants to do. I have the papers all printed out to rough draft the split, then we can get them typed up and filed. However, regardless of his time frame, if nothing happens by the beginning of the next school year, I will do the filing myself and hire someone to pack up his stuff.
I have no problem or fear of being alone, everything is in my name. I have no debt, except my mounting student loans- but hey, they die with me so no stress there, and I think I have an awesome attitude. Last time I was going through this, I was a ball of tears every day and every time I typed. This time, not so much.
lol... yeah... not too sure about that sexting thing... might be a little too new skool...
I get the whole chicken poo thing... I'm all brave talk here, saying I'm OK with filing, yet I hide behind when I'm a little more finacially ready and if there was a romantic interest for me...
That sure sounds WAS familiar...
But emotionally, I really am ready for that game. I'm ready for my W to bring the topic up. 'cause I've asked for D and she declined, opting for a SA that she said she'd never do... and recently, she asks if I'm ready to have the D talk and I say, "sure..." and she doesn't bring it up, again...
I just really do want / need to be a little more financially secure, 'cause I'm sure court will issue child support for her.
But let me ask you... why wait? I read what you posted above... But I don't really see a reason to wait... Except to concede to his time frame...
But that doesn't mean you can't get the paper work done, ready to file...
Or is that what you mean? Tell him you want D, start working on the paper work and then set D filing date based on his time?
'cause maybe he'd be OK with filing within the next couple months...
and you can be done with this and moving on by mid summer...
na, he's running for office remember... he doesn't want a D right now, and I can see how I'd be a "B" from his perspective as in "how could I do this to him now?" if I didn't give the time frame.
I think the chicken part is more with his reaction, than anything else.
I'm kinda conceding that I'll stick it out through the election, but I want all my ducks in a row.
But I also have to consider any retaliation he might take if he indeed does see this as being "done to him" because I don't want him in politics.
I'm a Pisces... I have to see all sides to everything
If I wait, I see it benefiting me in the settlement arena since I make more than he does. I could even get some meaningless sex out of it (I know, I'll give myself a time out later)
Call it purposeful waiting
dare me? I have the paperwork printed and filled out with my stuff... I'd say I'm ready.
hahaha... good luck with the meaningless sex... you might want to try some role playing... tell him you want him to bribe you for a vote...
Me... I'm a Taurus... Point me in a direction, put my head down, and push forward until I can't push any more... thank god for my ADD symptoms... SQUIRREL!!!
Yeah, true though... what's a few more months... at least you have your sense of humour (and hopefully a few harlequin romances).
